Victory Over Sexual Abuse

I think this is good-bye

2011-12-18T20:49:00.011-06:00

I think this blog may be coming to a close... In just a couple of weeks, it will have been three years of writing here about my story and my recovery journey. Surprisingly - while I don't think the wounds ever mend completely - I am finding myself in a place where I just don't have much to process through aloud anymore.

It seems that the last piece of my recovery puzzle is falling into place...

As I grow in grace and mercy, my intolerance [anger] for my family's shortcomings are becoming grey areas ... instead of the harsh black and white it's always been. As I've become willing to really listen to their stories - to sort through and understand the brokenness that has plagued them and [unintentionally] wounded me greatly - I've begun to understand that long before they were ever "screwed up" individuals making bad choices that hurt children, they were heart-broken and wounded children themselves.

So often, abused children develop unhealthy coping skills and skewed visions of the world around them. And so often they [unwittingly] abuse and neglect their children. Let's not allow ourselves to fall into that category ... or stay there, if that's where we're at. Keep reaching for recovery. Keep seeking the Lord's hand and heart. He loves you so much. Wholeness and healing await. It is a long, scary, painful journey at times ... but it has changed my life.

And allowed me to close this chapter of my recovery story. For now, anyway.

Thanks to all of you who have read along, commented, emailed, encouraged and prayed for me, and joined me in prayer and ministry for survivors around the world. This blog is ending [I think], but I will continue to spend my life in ministry with hurting children and adults. Well, as long as God will let me. ;0)

Even as I type this ~~second~~ third-to-last sentence, I can hardly believe that God has moved me to this place of utter peace and contentment. He is a miracle worker. Praying that He does the same for you.

With much love, gratitude and prayers,
Tonya

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. John 10:10

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

Prayer

2011-11-06T09:08:00.001-06:00

Heavenly Father,

Draw us closer to you as we process through the pains of our past...and the pains that continue to burden us today. Open our eyes. Show us, in your gentle way, the dreams we need to let go of, the parts we are still denying, the ways we are compensating - yet hurting ourselves, and perhaps even others - at the same time. Help us to acknowledge the sad facts of what has happened in our lives, shedding your light on the truth, so that we may let go of it and reach - with open arms - for the greatness you have in store for us.

Teach us how to walk towards wholeness. Hold us close as we see the wrong-thinking, the abuses, the way we've been hurt and the ways we've hurt others... As we begin to see clearly, equip us with the tools to break free from the bad and walk with confidence towards wholeness -- towards your perfect plan for our lives. As we make tough decisions, as we repent, as we feel heartbroken...open our eyes in order that we will notice the BLESSINGS. For you are a great God, our redeemer, the one true healer, the maker of all miracles. Today, help us to count the ways in which we are richly blessed, deeply loved, forever counted and belonging to you. I praise you for all that you are....for how you've taken this messed-up orphan and provided a family and a purpose for my life.

In Jesus' name,
Amen

Do you think I would stand still?

2011-06-26T22:46:00.007-05:00

A reader presented me with the most amazing question the other day. I won't pretend to know the answer, but I do have some thoughts...

It is related to this post about why God allows bad things to happen.

Question: I am having great difficulty with understanding how God could have allowed this abuse. I read your intellectual explanation which I have heard before regarding free will. I believe in free will, but if I witnessed one of my daughters being abused do you think I would stand still?

My thoughts:

In my limited human wisdom, I absolutely would intervene if I knew one of my children was being harmed. As a mother, I always interject myself into my kids' lives whenever I feel it's necessary. And God charges me with that responsibility! It is up to me (just like it was up to my parents) to protect my kids, but in my humanity I can only do so much. I pray daily for his direction in mothering, so that I am hopefully acting in God's will and not my own. However, my wisdom and foresight is limited. God, on the other hand, is all-knowing and sovereign. His plans are perfect (no matter how unsavory at the time), his provision overwhelming (no matter how lonely I sometimes feel). God does not fail. He always triumphs over evil.

Let me interject here to say that I do not believe it is ever GOD'S will for a child to be abused. That is entirely HUMAN SIN, but God can use even the most heinous acts for his glory. It is never God's will for a parent to ignore child abuse or knowingly put their child in harms way. I just mean to say that everything rests in God's hands and He can use every good and bad thing that happens to glorify Him and minister to us -- but we must choose to allow that to happen.

If God had run interference in my abuse, my life would be completely different.

Most obviously, I would not have this ministry. God would not have used my story of abuse and miraculous restoration to reach others. He would have spared my one life, but would have left countless others without this resource.

He might not have cultivated in my heart a constant concern for children in need. And, without that, my family might not do the advocacy work we do with foster and abused children. The four hearts that reside under our one roof might be bent towards those in pain.

And most importantly, I don't think I would have the relationship I have today with my heavenly father. While being abused was no picnic, there is an inexplicable closeness when one wakes up one day and realizes the only thing they have is their savior Jesus Christ. In having no one else, I learned to cling to Christ like a life preserver in the stormiest seas.

I had a sweet conversation with a girlfriend one night... She and her husband had relatively charmed childhoods, raised in church, never knowing a day without God and their loving families. Now in their 30's, they are both looking to claim their relationships with Christ as their own. They have never fallen flat on their faces, needing Christ to lift them up. For them, it is often easy to take their easy-breezy lives for granted and forget all about God. That doesn't happen in my life. I know full well what it means to speak with my Father God, as I have no other parent to turn to.

As a mom, I do everything I can to protect my children. But my knowledge is limited. I do not know what God knows. I do not know what the future holds. Only God knows what he's going to use in each of our lives to fulfill his purpose. I can't put my human limitations and responses on God. I cannot expect him to behave the way I would.

But his perceived inaction is not proof of an unloving or neglectful god.

At my very first Christian counseling session, I was given some homework...

Read the story of Joseph, Genesis chapters 37-50. Write down any circumstance of Joseph's that was similar to my own life. I learned a great deal through this exercise. Families have been in the business of failure and betrayal since the beginning of time. One can be grossly mistreated and still come out on top. God knows how to use all suffering for good. "You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people." Genesis 50:20. How powerful is that?

Another piece of my homework was to claim a life verse. I couldn't pick just one, so I went with two... "A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling." Psalm 68:5 and "The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18.

I am not an orphan. God is close. He saves!

Terrible things happen to both good people and bad people... In fact, everyone will face some sort of tragedy in their lifetime; whether it be crime, illness, death, natural disaster, etc. When those bad things happen, God is with us and always has a plan to use it to draw us - and others - closer to Him.

To my anonymous asker, I love your question. I don't have all the answers and I understand completely if you don't embrace my thoughts... I do know that God is bigger than me. He is wiser than any parent. He knows our every secret and heartache. He does not stop every bad thing from happening - even when it seems so obvious to us that he should - but He does have a plan to use every bad thing for good. Our pains are so deep and so personal. What happened to you is not okay...and it's understandable that you would feel confused, angry, hurt or even betrayed by God. He is big enough to handle your every thought, so take it to Him in prayer. Be honest with how you feel, and allow God to reveal himself to you. His grace and love is sufficient. Know that I am praying for you as you process through the pain of your past.

“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts. “The rain and snow come down from the heavens and stay on the ground to water the earth. They cause the grain to grow, producing seed for the farmer and bread for the hungry. It is the same with my word. I send it out, and it always produces fruit. It will accomplish all I want it to, and it will prosper everywhere I send it. You will live in joy and peace. The mountains and hills will burst into song, and the trees of the field will clap their hands! Where once there were thorns, cypress trees will grow. Where nettles grew, myrtles will sprout up. These events will bring great honor to the Lord’s name; they will be an everlasting sign of his power and love.” Isaiah 55:8-13

Bridging the gap

2011-04-27T08:55:00.003-05:00

I am so frustrated.

I have been trying all year to reconnect with my mom and sister. After our Christmas dinner, I came to the realization that I don't really know them, they definitely do not know me, and I don't trust them. If we're ever going to have a relationship that's not hollow and irritating, we are going to have to get to know each other. We need to find common ground.

I have been really intentional about calling my sister weekly, and I've been involved in my mother's medical care for a couple of months now. I talk, text or email with each of them at least once a week and I've seen my mom several times recently. (Previously, I'd call a few times a year.)

We had my family over for Easter this past weekend. It was really pretty lovely; except that I ended up sharing something with my mom that I wasn't quite ready to share. Because I don't trust her. Because I don't know her.

Once the words were out of my mouth, there was no putting them back. She knew. And she wanted to talk about it. Initially, her thoughts were all about her. About how a bitter disappointment and closing of a chapter in my life affected her. Then her thoughts turned to me...and how I surely need my mother at a time like this.

The thing is...I don't. I don't need her to mother me in the way she would like to. Sure, it would be ideal to have a loving, reliable mom, but the truth is that I'm more of a mother to her than she's ever been to me. And I'm okay with this.

I'm not so okay though with her insisting that surely I must need her the way any daughter needs her mother. For advice or babysitting, to confide in, to cry to.

(Insert hairs standing up on the back of my neck, quickening of pulse, taking two steps back, feeling smothered by the tight hug that she's insisting on holding for two full minutes.)

I need a minute, Mom. I need you to understand that this relationship you are ready to dive into as if nothing ever happened is too much to ask. Unreasonable. Bad things did happen. Horrible. I have never known you to be loving or caring.

I do not trust you.

My impulse is not to lean on you. Not yet. You are pushing me away by pushing yourself on me. I need you to let me come to you as I am ready. Stop forcing yourself on me. Stop putting me in a position where I have to say no.

Mom was so convinced that I needed her yesterday (two days after our discussion), that she called me asking if she could leave work early to frantically come to my house to talk. (She presented it as if she needed to talk.) I told her I had an appointment in two and a half hours, so my time was quite limited. She showed up two hours and five minutes later. She left her work, drove all the way across town, did who knows what for the extra 1 1/2 hours it took her to get here, only to put me in a position to tell her I really didn't have the time anymore. She insisted though, so we talked. She left while I went to my appointment, returning to finish our conversation an hour and a half later.

I was less composed than I wanted to be. I was frustrated that she was so late, that she didn't call to say she was going to take 2 hours to get here, that she had left her job for this, and that I had a very important meeting that she was now tinkering with. I was frustrated that when she finally opened her mouth, the words were "I just thought you needed me."

She called it her "Mother's intuition". I managed to keep my eyes from rolling and my jaw from dropping, but I was thinking, "WHERE WAS YOUR MOTHER'S INTUITION WHEN I TOLD YOU I WAS BEING SEXUALLY ABUSED AND YOU LET IT CONTINUE FOR THE NEXT 7+ YEARS?" I didn't say that, but I did say other things I wish I hadn't. I want so badly to let the past remain in the past, but I totally snapped and reminded her of some of the reasons I don't trust her.

I clearly snatched my anger and frustration back up in that moment. What I have worked so hard to surrender and set aside, I picked right back up when I was feeling pressured. I felt like I needed to defend my position, and I presented a relentless case. I beat her into the ground with the ugly (old) truth, giving little recognition for the recent progress she's made.

I am disappointed in myself.

This reconciliation thing is not easy... Saturday - our family Easter - was a beautifully blessed day that I will forever cherish, but now it seems marred but what happened yesterday. I know that all my mom wants is to be my mom, and that I hurt her deeply by reminding her of the ways she blew it in the past.

When she looked me in the eyes and said, "I miss you.", it occurred to me that she once knew me as a happy child. There are good times that she remembers. A pleasant, loving, cheerful little girl who called her Mommy and asked her to come outside to watch her do cartwheels. A pre-teen who needed help with homework or wanted a ride to a swim meet across town. A teenager who asked on occasion for her mother's opinion, or needed gas money. There are times that she remembers me needing her; and she wants that back.

But I remember the times she failed. The days-on-end that she was locked in her bedroom depressed. The times I begged her to drop bad habits but she wouldn't. All the times she didn't show up when I needed her. I remember her as a woman who always put herself first. I remember being alone, unimportant.

There is a huge gap between how she sees me and how I see her, and it will take time, patience and tremendous effort to bridge that gap.

I owe my mom an apology. I pulled out old baggage that I wish I had left alone. There is surely a better way to handle the situation. A way that I can be honest, without being brutal.

I would also like to ask Mom to celebrate the relationship we do have and wait patiently for it to grow. I am honestly beginning to like her, and trusting her may come in time. I never expected we'd be here, so who knows where we might end up? We are headed in the right direction.

Let me not forget you

2011-03-05T14:46:00.005-06:00

When marginally icky things happen, I can easily respond with an "Everything's gonna be alright" attitude. However, when it's more of a bitter blow, my natural response is to panic, get angry, bawl my eyes out or blow my top. And, when I get angry, I like to give the silent treatment. Those who most often receive the silent treatment are my husband, God, and occasionally my children. I need them to know that I am angry, and I need to be silent....lest I say anything aloud that I will later regret.

I heard something today that was very wise.

"When I turn away from God in a difficult circumstance, it only becomes more difficult. But when I turn back to God, my difficult circumstance becomes easier."

This is so true; but I've often got to be reminded of this the hard way. I am stubborn and I get angry...and in those moments I refuse to talk to Him or listen to Him as He speaks to me. In doing so, I drag out my misery.

My wise friend also said... "Life is not meant to be hard. It's only as hard as we make it."

We all experience difficulty, and some of us experience gut-wrenching tragedy; but how we choose to respond to it really does impact how hard it is.

I praise God that I know Him and that He is in the business of graciously rescuing and carrying His beloved children. My friend left me with one final encouragement - pray. Pray regularly and preemptively that "when I am faced with difficulty, I will not forget who you are."

I meant for this post to be a reminder to not forget God, but I believe it relates to our spouses and children too. While I am giving the silent treatment to them, I am shutting them out. They are God's gifts to me. My husband is my partner that I am meant to journey all of life with. When I am hurt or angry, I pray that I will not lose sight of who my husband and children are; and that we will live in a way that honors God's perfect design for those relationships.

Not destroyed

2011-01-24T19:35:00.001-06:00

I never set out with the intention to write a certain kind of post on here - I just write what's on my mind and in my heart. Recently, without realizing it, I wrote several posts in a row that depict the really sad consequences of sexual abuse in my life. If there is someone else out there going through the same things I have (and I know there are!), I want them to know that they are not alone. And for those who have harmed a child, I want them to know just how far-reaching the devastation can be. The details are hard to read, but it is a cold hard truth that sexual abuse destroys relationships...and very possibly lives.

I have received the kindest, most compassionate, emails and comments from readers here, in response to those posts. So many expressing heartfelt sadness over the loss in my life. I am deeply touched by your heart and concerns toward me. Humbled to be so tenderly received. Thank you. I love the community of survivors.

I want you to know though, that I am not destroyed by what happened to me. I once was, but I am not anymore. It is indeed very sad at times. I think it always will be... But I am so very good.

I think it's only natural to grieve a loss. Much like a death of a close family member, I will always grieve the loss of family I loved but can no longer be in relationship with. However, it is truly for my benefit to not be in relationship with them.

I am happy. Honestly, I am way beyond happy. I never in my wildest dreams thought my life would turn out the way it has. Happily married. Mother of two. No chaos. At peace with my past. Finishing my college degree. Volunteering at church and in my community. Surrounded by countless loving friends who have become family. My life is incredibly full.

I have not been defeated. I am not defined by someone else's sin. I am not even defined by my own sin!

Praise God for the healing truths found in His Word, the Shelter From the Storm study and groups, trustworthy counselors, wisdom and support of other survivors and cherished friends, and of course my beloved husband and children. These incomprehensible gifts have changed my life!

Loss

2011-01-13T15:43:00.001-06:00

A friend request was waiting for me as I logged onto Facebook last night. Right away I clicked the "do not know this requestor, block future requests" button, as I didn't think I knew the person. After about a minute though, it donned on me... It was my adopted father's step brother. In my family we've never specified "adopted", "step" or "half" - we were all just FAMILY. Here I only do it so that readers can have a better chance at following my family tree with branches going in all directions.

My dad was my abuser, and this uncle is his brother. My dad is a master manipulator and liar to the Nth degree. I don't know what he told his family - if anything - about his broken relationship with me. But my policy has always been to never put others in the middle. Never throw all of the dirty laundry on the family dinner table for everyone else's consumption, judgment, and involvement.

Instead, I've just gone away quietly. So quietly, and so far away, that I did not even recognize my uncle's name when I read it. I haven't heard from him in well over 20 years.

As I looked at his friends list, I saw faces and names I hadn't thought about since I was a kid. My father has four brothers and two sisters. I had four uncles and two aunts, cousins too, and grandparents... I loved them. They seemed to love me. They never laid a hand on me or said an unkind word in my presence. They were not your leave-it-to-beaver types - lots of dysfunction for sure, but they never touched me the way my dad did.

I don't have them in my life anymore, and I suspect that I never can again given what my father did. Their brother. Their son. In all likelihood, given the emotional condition of my family, I am guessing they would choose his side. Perhaps these thoughts only come from my woundedness, the feelings and very low expectations of a little girl whose abuse carried on for years despite the family members who did know and did nothing... Perhaps they would respond with loving kindness and righteous anger.

My uncle had to search for me on Facebook by name. I was on his mind. Did he look for me on his own, or did my father put him up to it? Having been sexually abused by my father makes me almost paranoid - second guessing the intentions of my uncle. His brother. I think I sort of lump all of them together.

As I thought about the extended family that so abruptly fell out of my life all those years ago, I laid on my bed and wept over the loss. So much loss.

Where do we go from here?

2011-01-05T11:30:00.005-06:00

Many people know that I recently celebrated Christmas with my birth family for the first time in ten years. A handful of friends have asked how it went, but I struggle with my response... Not sure what to say or how to say it. There are so many emotions, so many harsh realities, so many things wrong, and even one startling revelation. When I think about verbalizing our Christmas celebration, the story that comes to mind is not about that one night but about where everything stands. The words decorum and discretion fill my mind, as I ponder answering their questions completely... Reminding me that polite people want to hear how the evening went, but very few people want to hear where I think it might take us. I expect that people from relatively functional families will have their heads spinning as they hear the unsavory dynamics of my family. Every family has their issues, but issues like ours are kept quiet - they are still taboo dinner fodder. The issues faced by my family are made for Intervention or Celebrity Rehab or Dr. Phil - shows that people can watch and gasp at in private.

For those polite people who merely want to know about the evening... It was awkward, but nice. My mother was beaming, as she sat with her daughters and all of her grand kids for the first time ever. The cousins played together, just as I remember playing as a child with my cousins. The menu was simple, and the mood was relaxed. Conversations easily flowed as we discussed jobs, budding romances and mutual friends. I felt more connected to my sister and her kids than I had in many years. I enjoyed seeing the tiny boys that I loved so very much...that are now early teenagers. And I loved looking into the face of my niece and being reminded of the little sister that I once shared a bedroom and secrets about boys with.

There were also parts that were difficult for me. Seeing into my sister's life, and knowing some of the brokenness that holds her captive in challenging situations. Knowing that my nephews and niece have sad holes in their lives... My heart goes out to them - my sister, her kids, and my mom - and I yearn to make a difference in their lives. At the same time, I pull back to protect my own.

And I remember my extended family... Those who offered kind words of encouragement and spent time with me, yet made no move to help me in the ways that I really needed. To my knowledge, they never tried to give me a solid, loving home. I felt so abandoned. I frequently heard that my mother was doing "the best that she could". The older I got, the angrier that statement made me. My emotional response was to say that she failed miserably and could have done better. It wasn't until our family Christmas that those five words finally made sense to me. As my mother shared that she is bipolar, I understood that she actually had done the best she could without medication. In a new way, my heart goes out to my mother. I am grieved by all that she's lost to her mental illness. And by what it's cost my brother, sister and me. And my nephews and niece. And my children.

What do their futures hold? What is my role? How can I help? And how do I get convinced that helping them will not destroy me in the process?

Mental illness

2010-12-30T09:12:00.005-06:00

As a young girl, I thought that my mother was very tired and very sickly. She would sleep from the moment she got home on Friday night and not get up again until time for work on Monday. Was she sick? Super tired? Avoiding me??

She missed a lot of my school functions, and even our church Christmas program every year. My dad would show up and explain that Mom was "not feeling well". Having her miss my functions made me cry in grade school, but by middle school I was used to it and didn't expect anyone to show up anymore.

When I was 8 or 9, I remember Dad saying that Mom needed to see a doctor. I'd suggested that he call my friend's dad (a general practitioner), and Dad replied with "Not that kind of doctor." He mumbled something about needing to see a doctor about her mind, her thoughts... I didn't understand. No one ever explained it to me.

When I was 19 - after watching her moods shift from deliriously happy to unable to get out of bed, and listening to her version of my childhood, her childhood, subsequent marriages, and our home life - it began to dawn on me that something was actually wrong with my mom. I figured it was one of three options - she was a sociopath, she was mentally ill, or she was just plain mean.

As I was wrapping a very typical "granny" gift for my mom from my boys last week, I remembered something I'd long ago stuffed away... When I was 14, my dad took my younger sister and me shopping for a gift for Mom. We picked out a Christmas sweatshirt and some leggings (it was the 80's). We LOVED it and thought Mom would too. She didn't. In fact, as we sat around the beautifully decorated Christmas tree opening gifts, she yelled at us. I can still hear her saying "Did you really think I would like this? When have you ever seen me wear something like this?" On December 26th she took us back to the store to return it and made us hand the cash over to her so she could buy her own gift. I was forever scarred by that... I never bought a gift for her again without a specific wish list.

For the last several years I've suspected bipolar... She has a ton of personal issues to work through, but she is more than just troubled. Last week, my mom shared with me that she quit counseling in June and that she was diagnosed bipolar a long time ago. She's taken various antidepressants, but a doctor has never even offered her lithium. I thought lithium was the most effective way to stabilize the effects of bipolar?

She has seen dozens of counselors and doctors over the years, resulting in diagnoses of PTDS, anxiety, psychological shock, chemical imbalance, depression, and now bipolar. And every time she walks away from those treating her, and ultimately the meds too. She has made so much progress over the last couple of years. I hate to see her get swallowed up again by old thoughts and patterns that continue to chip away at what is left of fragile relationships, her job, her LIFE. When she is not overcome by the things that plague her, she is wonderful.

I heard the other day that children who are raised in volatile homes have higher incidence of mental illness, drug and alcohol use, depression, anxiety, and low academic achievement. Looking back over the generations in my family I see this pattern played out over and over again. It breaks my heart to look out at my extended family and see all of the children who were destroyed by ill parents, and in many cases have become ill themselves and are now caught in the cycle.

I pray for those effected by mental illness. It is far reaching, for generations and generations. I pray that we can rise above the circumstances in our childhoods when we have the opportunity, making wiser decisions than those who went before us, and knowing the hope and freedom there is in dealing with our struggles instead of being defined by them. I pray for comfort for those whose loved ones are slipping away, and for strength and wisdom as we try to help those who need it. For those who are in the grip of mental illness, I pray for a long enough pause in the turmoil that they will seek treatment and that their doctors would have the wisdom and know-how to treat them effectively. I pray for an end to the suffering caused by mental illness, and for restoration to become common among families impacted by these devastating diseases.

"May the Lord bless you and keep you." Numbers 6:24

A family Christmas

2010-12-21T16:23:00.005-06:00

Five years ago my mother invited us to Thanksgiving. I emailed one of my pastors as soon as I received the invitation, heart pounding, hands shaking, seeking his reassurance that I was not sinning if I turned down the offer. He didn't spoon-feed me the words I was looking for... Instead, he reminded me that God's natural design was for families to be together, but also affirmed that in no way would God want me to be abused. With our pastor's guidance, my husband and I established firm boundaries and a solid exit strategy should the Thanksgiving function turn bad. We were relieved to not need the exit plan.

However... That was the last time we spent a holiday together. Heck, that was the last time I was under the same roof as my mother and sister at the same time. In fact, I haven't even seen my sister in over four years.

I was keenly aware of my growth and healing when I came to my husband last night with this statement: "We stopped having holidays with my family because it was too upsetting for me - too painful and unhealthy. That rationale no longer exists, as I'm strong enough now to handle whatever happens and wise enough to know that their issues are not about me." As we talked, we settled on a very different way of spending Christmas this year.

We are having my mom, sister, nephews and niece over for a Christmas celebration tomorrow night. I know it's not Christmas Day, nor is it even Christmas Eve, but it's a start. My children have only met their four cousins twice - very briefly in passing - I cannot imagine them never knowing them. And, as disconnected and dysfunctional my mother is, she has shown tremendous commitment to getting well, and shows a sincere interest in being a better mother and grandmother. I know that this time together would mean the world to her.

Truthfully, I do not like my mother or sister very much, but these feelings I have about them are based on things that happened in the distant past, when my sister and I were young and didn't have a lot of life experience (maturity) under our belts. Of course my mother doesn't have that same excuse, but I believe that wounded people hurt people. I have grown so very much in the years since we were last together, and I'm eager to see if they have too. I have no idea where this meal will lead - if anywhere - but I look forward to seeing them and am praying for changed hearts and lives. It would, indeed, be a Christmas miracle if the overwhelming feeling in the room was love. I pray for love towards my birth family. Blessed, relationship changing, opportunity-giving love.

You've been remade!

2010-12-07T16:34:00.003-06:00

You Are More
Tenth Avenue North

There's a girl in the corner
With tear stains on her eyes
From the places she's wandered
And the shame she can't hide

She says, "How did I get here?
I'm not who I once was.
And I'm crippled by the fear
That I've fallen too far to love"

But don't you know who you are,
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight

She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try

But don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

You've been remade
You've been remade.
You've been remade.
You've been remade.

Interview

2010-11-15T14:35:00.004-06:00

I have been speaking and writing a lot about sexual abuse on the campus of the college I attend. I'm a non-traditional student in my later 30's, and I've found that I'm occasionally looked to as a mentor figure, especially by young survivors of childhood abuse.

An 18 year old student approached me last week about doing an interview for a project she is working on. She has to write a paper about "a local organization or place that people might like to visit". While she concedes that no one wants to visit a child abuse victims advocacy center, she feels that a tremendous service can be provided by talking about sexual abuse and those who are committed to preventing and responding to it. She is so awesome! She has courage, tenacity and composure beyond her years.

I am so honored to be a part of her paper, and I thank her for the opportunity to share...but even more, I thank her for standing in the gap for survivors of sexual abuse and doing her part to make this world a safer place for children.

************************************************

Sexual abuse is so painful - so intimate - that it often isolates survivors from healthy relationships. Sexual abuse not only violates ones body, but their boundaries, sense of self, and ability to love and trust as well. All too often, the experience teaches survivors not to trust appropriately, and sets survivors up for a lifetime of excruciating isolation and secret keeping, interrupted by periods of blindly trusting all the wrong people. This cycle sets in motion a lifetime of repeated victimization.

I am a survivor of sexual abuse. Abused at the hands of my parents, overlooked and neglected by my entire extended family, I know all too well the pain and isolation accompanied by sexual abuse. For 29 years I accepted the blame and carried their secrets with me. It was only when I stood firmly on my own two feet, declared that their crime was indeed a crime and no reflection on me, that I was able to begin moving forward, healing, recovering from what had interrupted my life for far too long.

It is only through breaking the silence - discarding the false beliefs that I was dirty, unlovable trash - that I began taking my first steps into wholeness. Wholeness is delightful. I never dared dream life could look this way. I never believed I could truly be happy, loved, capable, confident, seen and known. I cannot keep the fact that recovery is possible a secret; therefore, I talk. I speak to student groups and women's groups, I lead support groups for survivors, I write a blog, my family chairs a fundraiser every year. I share the facts about sexual abuse, define it, put a face to it, encourage survivors to seek recovery, share tips for keeping children safe, and support organizations whose mission it is to eradicate and respond to child sexual abuse.

One of my favorite organizations is Sunflower House, serving Johnson and Wyandotte Counties, providing abuse prevention classes to adults and children, and meeting the needs of children and families currently processing through a case of child sexual abuse. Sunflower House provides an environment in which children undergo forensic interviews and medical exams on-site, rather than in police station interview rooms and doctor's offices. Doctors on-site are able to write prescriptions as needed, and Sunflower House provides gift cards to cover the expense of medications. Additionally, every child who comes through the door at Sunflower House is able to pick a gift out of the Bear Showcase as a pleasant surprise. As a young girl who went through "the system" 28 years ago, shuttling between two different police stations and a sterile, grown-up gynecologist's office as a fourth grader, and then again as a teenager, I cannot emphasize enough what a difference Sunflower House makes in this part of the journey. This serves to make an unbelievably difficult situation gentler.

Sunflower House is making a remarkable difference in the fight to eradicate and respond to child sexual abuse. It is our honor to chair a fundraiser for them each year, and to spread the great news about their work.

Redemption

2010-10-05T23:42:00.004-05:00

"Redemption is not only something that means we get to go to heaven, but something that He is passionate to carry out now, in specific life situations, to make things show His brand of beauty - in which a healed relationship or person can reflect more glory than one who never knew brokenness." -Kelly Minter, No Other Gods

Praying this for each of us today. For too many, the abuse has been far-reaching and forever scarring... Painful beyond what we can verbally express. Isolating. Lonely. Fracturing families. Robbing of us years and years of our lives... Through that deep brokenness, healed by God's even deeper-penetrating healing, love, acceptance and provision, may each of our lives reflect more glory than one who never knew brokenness.

Genesis 50:20

2010-09-11T13:37:00.003-05:00

One trade off of returning to college this semester was that it wouldn't leave time for me to lead a sexual abuse recovery support group this fall. I didn't even have to think about the decision to lead or not to lead because it was so completely obvious that I wasn't being called to lead a group right now.

Then my Public Speaking class started.

My teacher slips life lessons into his lectures every single day - most of them themed along the fact that how we talk often conveys "where we've been in life". Where we've lived, how we've lived, what we've lived through, level of education, financial status...the list goes on. The lessons are always accompanied with indirect encouragement and the God's honest truth that not one of us is limited by whatever difficulty we are facing. I marvel at his heart for these young people and his uncanny ability (and willingness) to meet them where they are at in order to help them get to where they want to go. So many of these kids have high aspirations that can easily become dwarfed by the challenges they are facing.

I knew from day one that I wanted to give a speech or two on something related to sexual abuse. As I have been watching my teacher in class, I have diligently tried to piece together my first speech. He has asked for volunteers to go first for the past two classes, and not a single hand has been raised. After class the other day I went to talk with him about the difficulty I was having narrowing down the information and my heart to a single 5-7 minute speech. Then he asked me to do something that still has my head spinning...

He wants to give me 10-15 minutes per speech, and he has asked me to give every speech this semester on the topic of sexual abuse.

I can hardly believe it!

I have mulled over my first speech quite a bit and have decided that rather than jump in with a bunch of abuse prevention information (for an informative speech), I would start by sharing my story. Pinch me. I get to talk with them about my own experience with poverty, a broken home, an absent birth father, a sexually abusive adopted father, a neglectful mother, feeling orphaned at 18, dropping out of college due to overwhelming loneliness and confusion, utter helplessness and paralyzing insecurity, underage and reckless drinking, destroyed relationships, and countless other unwise decisions that I regret to this day --- all as a result of unaddressed brokenness. And I get to share the healing that takes place in a solid, loving relationship, with unwavering sobriety and careful attention to other unhealthy coping mechanisms, an unimaginable community of friends, and an honorable heavenly father who fills every hole left behind by not-so-honorable earthly beings. The purpose of this speech is to persuade them to address past hurts sooner rather than later, saving precious time and allowing life to be restored to them.

Seriously? I get to do this? In a college classroom? And after that, I get to talk about ways to keep kids safe!

God is good. All the time.

"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives." Genesis 50:20

College...your future...within reach

2010-07-24T10:09:00.005-05:00

Did you know that fewer than 50% of all high school aged foster children in the United States will graduate from high school? And only 3% of those kids will graduate from college with their Bachelors Degree?

I was never in foster care, but I should have been. I was abused and neglected from age 7 into adulthood, but no one did anything about it. I remained in the family home, and did my best - on my own instincts - to get through school. Never once did a grown-up encourage me to do my homework, study, apply myself, take the ACT, or apply for college or college financial aid. I didn't ask for help at school because I was afraid I'd have to explain why I needed their help. I also never wanted to stand out as an excellent student, because I didn't want to be noticed. So, I gladly slipped through high school without a single college credit and report cards full of B's and C's - well below my abilities. I never studied for the ACT and never even looked at my ACT results. I applied only to the nearest community college where I dropped out with a not-so-stellar GPA.

You see... This is where I compare myself to a foster child. I'd moved out of my mother's home after graduating from high school. I was suddenly on my own - no support, no experience, no one giving me advice or encouraging me, but also no one abusing me (at least not physically). I worked full time to pay the rent, and went to school full time. I still longed for my family, so I kept in touch with them often. My mother was constantly criticizing, insulting and blaming me for her rotten life. Every phone call ended with her unkind words followed by her slamming the phone down. I'd call again a day or so later for more of the same. Between my jobs, my relationship with my family, and trying to wash my sorrows away in bars, I was distracted from my academics to say the least.

I applied for financial aid that first semester and did not qualify because I had to include my parents' income due to my "minor dependent" status on their income tax return. Never mind that I was not dependent on them. Today there are ways around this - exceptions can be made for abuse survivors, emancipated children, etc. Even if the government turns down your request for aid, the school has discretion to appeal on your behalf if you have extenuating circumstances! I don't know if these exceptions existed in the early 90's, but I do know that I would never have asked for them if they did. I did not want people knowing what trash I was. At least that's how I thought of me - trash.

Flash forward all these years and I know that the abuse was no reflection on me, but had everything to do with them.

I also now regret nearly every decision I made regarding my education. I wish I would have studied harder. I wish I would have asked for help. I wish I would have had the courage and confidence to pay attention at those college fairs at my high school. I wish I would have allowed myself to dream bigger and believe that dreams can come true. I wish I would have known that my youth was only the beginning, and that my future was up to me.

The sky is the limit, not our abuse. Abuse survivors - and foster children - are capable of absolutely anything. We are not limited by what someone else did to us.

I am writing this with my younger readers in mind. Don't blow the immediate opportunities that you are offered to move beyond the tragic circumstances in your life. Don't wait years for a do-over, when you've got the chance right now to right the wrongs.

I'm getting my academic do-over right now. Going back to college, having to do some maintenance to my damaged GPA, balancing life as wife and mother with a full course load at college, marveling at the options you have in terms of financial aid that are no longer available to me. I can't help but smile when I reflect back over my life and see how far I've come, but that doesn't stop me from praying that each of you younger girls will not follow my exact (time, energy and emotion wasting) path. I pray for earlier healing and success for you!

Girl Thrive is an amazing organization created with teen girls in mind. Dr. Patti has occasionally visited this blog and even sent me two free copies of her book Invisible Girls. If you are a teen girl whose life has been shattered by incest, Dr. Patti is here for you. If you cannot afford to buy her book, send me an email and I'll mail you one of my copies - victoryoversexualabuse@live.com. But one of the greatest things that Girl Thrive provides is college scholarships to girls age 24 and under who are incest survivors. Check out her website for more information! There is a wonderful life awaiting each and every one of us.

"The thief's purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life." John 10:10

Counseling with Mom

2010-06-01T13:40:00.004-05:00

You might remember my mother asking me if I'd go to a counseling session with her last winter. It took until mid-May for her to call again, this time with a scheduled appointment on the books. Coincidentally, it fell on my son's last day of school and we had a conflict during the exact same time slot as the counseling session. We rescheduled the conflicting appointment and put off end-of-school celebrations for a couple of hours so that I could go meet with my mother and her counselor.

For me, rearranging my schedule around this counseling session is what loving and honoring my mother looked like that day. While she has not "earned" this, God commands it... Additionally, God has given me - and will continue to give me - far more than I deserve or could ever earn, so who I am to withhold that from my mother?

I was glad that we met with her counselor. I knew that if she'd gone to meet with me and a counselor of my choosing that it would likely be counter-productive, scary for her, and would quite possibly do more harm than good.

Her counselor made me chuckle a little with her earthy, meditative Dharma style (as in Dharma & Greg), but she is also sharp, fair and committed to helping people get better. She is not at all the counselor I'd have chosen, but I hope and pray that she has been hand-picked by God for my mother.

When the counselor turned to me and asked what I'd hoped to get out of my relationship with my mother, I honestly didn't know what to say. In my childlike heart, I wanted to weep and say that all I ever wanted was a loving, care-giving mommy. At the same time... In my vast experience of having been there and done a relationship with her, I know that distance has really been best for me. So long as she is so broken, confused, confusing, irresponsible, hurting, hurtful, blaming, neglecting and denying...it is best for me to keep a healthy distance.

Before she and I can have a relationship, she needs to experience healing in her own life. Without a degree of healing, she cannot possibly experience genuine, selfless, regret, remorse and repentance for the acts she committed out of her brokenness. Without healing from her own pain, she will not be able to recognize or take responsibility for the pain she's inflicted upon others.

Since our meeting last week, I have discovered a renewed heart for my mother. I witnessed first-hand last week some of the craziness of her mind, but I could also see that she is sincere in her desire to be better. That is a first.

I have always told people that it's never too late to repair a relationship...but I never really thought it would happen for me. We have a very long way to go, but I feel hopeful.

"As much as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone". Romans 12:18

Unit 7 Lesson 2, Healthy Anger, Part2

2010-03-29T15:22:00.000-05:00

Anger is part of God's nature. The New Testament records that Jesus expressed anger on several occasions. We can conclude that anger in itself is not bad, but unresolved anger becomes destructive. Unresolved anger inevitably causes us inner turmoil. The Bible says in Ephesians 4:26, "Be angry, and yet do not sin" (NASB). Most of us know how to be angry, but what we need to learn is how to be angry without sinning.

Anger is apart of God's nature.

How do you feel about that statement? What effect does the fact that anger is a part of God's nature have on your recovery?

Anger is a signal that God has given us, just as pain is a signal. Anger tells us that we rae being hurt, that something is wrong, or perhaps that someone is demanding too much. Sometimes our anger becomes generalized and we us it as a defense. When you understand the simple dynamics of anger, you see that, as a survivor of abuse, you have been deeply hurt. Anger would be a natural response. To remove that anger, you need to acknowledge it. Hurt may be a residual emotion that you feel even after you have dealt with the anger. You may express your anger in sudden outbursts, or you may reveal it in passive ways such as isolation or depression. If you have displayed your anger in unproductive ways, you will probably retain that anger until you can learn how to release it positively, and use it to find out more about yourself instead of lashing out against yourself and others.

Anger is a surface emotion. Underneath the anger you will usually find other feelings that also need expression.

In your journal, write the feeling words that create the greatest emotional response...

Hurt Rejection Shame Used Humiliation Alone Unimportant

You may be using you ranger to protect yourself from feeling humiliated, used or hurt. To feel anger is less painful than to feel the underlying emotion.

When you have been rejected, humiliated, used or when you have been hurt mentally, physically, or emotionally, the normal response is to become angry. A young woman who had been a child victim of sexual abuse described how rejected and humiliated she felt as a young girl when the police came to her house. She said, "I had been walking home from school when a man approached who said he would give me candy. I never got candy, even though I went to the woods with him. He raped me. I was so sore, and blood was all over me. He tore my dress. A woman had seen me go with him, but it was over so quickly. My mother got real mad at me and kept saying, "How could you be so stupid as to go anywhere with a stranger?" With tha tstatement, my mother gave me a good weapon to punish myself. I was so confused. I didn't think anything could feel worse than what he did to me, but this was worse. I thought, She's right, my mom's right. Why did I go into the woods? I was stupid. I hate myself."

Because we have trained ourselves not to feel our emotions, sometimes we can more easily feel angry about the ause that happened to someone else. In your journal, describe your feelings about what happened to the little girl you just read about.

Describe your feelings about the fact that the victim was blamed for the abuse.

Is your story similar to the story of the little girl? Explain.

When Bill read the story it reminded him of how his father had shamed him because of the abuse he suffered from an aunt. He was finally able to be angry at his father for not listening to him and understanding.

How is your story different?

You need to allow yourself to feel your anger about your abuse and about the way others reacted to your abuse.

Note the following methods you have been using to deal with your anger.

I suppress it.
I have sudden outbursts.
I have become depressed.
I turn it inward through self-hate.
I act out in passive-aggressive ways.
I am self-destructive.
Other...

None of the methods listed above are healthy expressions of anger. Acknowledging that you are angry, validating your own significance, and focusing your anger on the abuse are healthy ways to deal with your anger.

Describe your feelings about how others have reacted to your abuse.

Jim had panic attacks when he thought someone needed something from him. He discovered the source of those attacks. He had never allowed himself to be angry at the soccer coach who sexually abused him. Jim hated what the coach did to him in the locker room but craved the coach's praise on the field. Jim was also angry at himself for wanting the praise. Sexual abuse often puts the victim in a double-bind situation.

Remember your memory verse.

"Be angry, and yet do not sin." Ephesians 4:26

Your anger is not a sin. To feel angry when others take advantage of you is healthy and normal. As you feel your anger you can deal with it in appropriate ways. Then you will use less of the destructive ways mentioned above.

"I want to punch them"

2010-03-23T19:31:00.000-05:00

Out of the blue, my 6 1/2 year old son says, "Hey, Mom, do you ever want to talk to your dads?" Having no idea where this came from or where it was headed, I gently answered, "No, not really." He replied, "Really? Never? You never want to talk to your dads? You never wonder what they're doing and want to talk to them?" My husband was driving, so I was able to turn my head enough to make eye contact and explain again...

"My first dad abandoned me when I was a baby. I found him when I was 26 and spent a weekend with him at his mom's house. After that weekend, I called him a lot, and sent mail and email and he never responded. He didn't want anything to do with me. He doesn't love me like a Daddy should, so I've had to move on with my life without him. My second dad adopted me when I was really young, but he didn't treat me right. He abused me terribly and touched my body in ways that no child should ever be touched... I told my mom about it when I was eight years old, but she never made him stop. The abuse lasted until I was old enough to make it stop myself at age 15 1/2, and then a judge told him when I was 16 that he couldn't see me anymore and he told me that I was freed from his abuse. The touching hurt my body, but more than that, the way my mom and dads treated me hurt my feelings and my heart. I carried that pain with me every single day until I was almost 30 years old, when God really started to help me feel better. To this day, my mom and my second dad won't take responsibility for what they did, and sometimes my mother even says it was all my fault. They don't love me the way a Mommy or Daddy should, so I don't really ever think about wanting to call them just to chat."

I was not teary-eyed or angry as I spoke... I was calm, truthful and reassuring to him that these are things that his Mommy and Daddy would never, ever do. When I stopped talking, he replied, "I want to punch them."

I had to turn away then, because my eyes were immediately filled with tears. This was only the second time anyone ever expressed anger over what happened to me. The first was my husband... God really blessed me with my husband and sons. They really know how to wrap their arms and hearts around me and love me into wholeness.

As I quietly cried, my husband jumped in and talked with our sons about forgiveness and surrendering everything - good and bad - to God. Isn't it amazing how God provides, day in and day out? He never leaves us or forsakes us. He has, without question, provided my guys to me as a gift. They help me to recover more every day.

"Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say, "I will take revenge; I will pay them back," says the LORD." Romans 12:19

It is sad ... but God's got a plan

2010-03-15T10:00:00.001-05:00

My feelings fluctuate as I grow, recover and get to know myself more deeply. I am humbled by God's care and concern. I am immensely grateful to be an ever-changing, ever-healing person. I cannot put words to how it feels to know God's provision the way that I do.

But that does not always keep grief at bay.

For years my overwhelming feelings were anger, bitterness and rejection. I felt grief for the first time four years ago. It was freeing; comforting. I was able to feel grief because I was finally able to see, believe and process the losses in my life. Feeling grief involved recognizing that I was worthy. That I deserved more than the treatment I received from my parents.

Ever since that day four years ago, grief has been an occasional visitor. It most often comes when I marvel at something that my children have that I did not. You know - things as simple as childhood vacations or parents who volunteer in class. My grief is generally a fleeting emotion, but there just the same.

Grief is visiting right now.

My teen years were spent formulating an escape plan. I had to get out of my mother's abusive home the moment I graduated from high school. For a few years, I bounced between living arrangements with friends, worked several part time jobs at once, and full time jobs at other times. I went to college part time, and some semesters not at all.

I found myself completely unprepared to succeed in college. I was unable to focus on my studies. I lacked the self-esteem to be a motivated, self-starter. Paying rent was my top priority and I knew nothing about grants or scholarships. I didn't trust the idea of asking for help, as asking for help had failed me before. I had the smarts for day-to-day survival, but did not know how to be an ambitious college student.

I left college with no degree. It didn't matter to me at the time, but 16 years later it's a little crushing.

It didn't matter back then because all I wanted was to be a wife and mother. I didn't care about a career. If I'm being completely honest, I didn't think I had anything to offer professionally. I knew I could be a good wife and mother - just do the opposite of my parents - but my image of myself said that I couldn't possibly contribute to anything professionally. I was just trash.

I'm almost 36 now, married and raising two little boys... I'm also trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up! I want to do something I care about. Work with abused children, or in child abuse prevention, or do fundraising for a worthwhile non-profit. These jobs require a degree; a Masters in some cases. So, my mind is completely overwhelmed with ideas of how to return to college. I'm more than a little out of practice when it comes to the classroom! And how do I fit college into my already busy life with two young children, volunteer work at school and church, a home to keep up and a husband that I want to spend time with?

As these thoughts have coursed through my brain over the last few months, I have fought back a few grief-filled tears. Sexual abuse not only pierces a person's body, but their mind and heart as well. Their life. You wouldn't be reading this if you didn't already know that... It's just so profoundly sad what childhood abuse can take away from a person.

I wouldn't change my life for anything... If I wasn't a wreck as a young girl, I might have made drastically different decisions and ended up in a completely different place than where I'm at. And I love where I'm at. I love my husband and kids and pretty much everything about our lives. I'm happy.

But, still, the suffering of children, young adults and grown men and women everywhere breaks my heart. Sexual abuse has the power to collide with and destroy every aspect of a person's life.

As I ponder that fact, my mind goes to children around the world, waiting in foster care or orphanages for forever families to love and care for them. These are children who have already been removed from their family's care, and often from their family's minds. These children have the odds stacked against them. They have every reason to struggle and fail as they move into adulthood; feeling abandoned, unloved and unworthy. I pray for their healing and restoration. I pray for loving families to intervene and give them their lives back.

It is not an overstatement to say that the losses caused by childhood abuse are profoundly sad. They are. But, I also know first hand that God is always present and in the middle of all things. He loves every single one of us. We were all made special and with a purpose. And He provides hope and healing.

"Even though you planned evil against me, God planned good to come out of it. This was to keep many people alive, as he is doing now." Genesis 50:20

Read Genesis chapters 37-50 for more from God's word about a family's betrayal and God's perfect provision and plan. Do you see any parallels between your life and Joseph's? Do you see God's hand?

Unit 7 Lesson 1, Healthy Expressions of Anger

2010-02-23T17:05:00.002-06:00

I botched up my last post a little... I had our next unit wrong. Between blogging lessons here and beginning a brand new support group here in town, I opened up to the wrong place the other day. We have just finished the guilt & shame unit and are now moving onto feeling the anger and hurt. So, my last post was more of a wrap-up of the lesson as opposed to a kick-off! Sorry for any confusion.

Now for the correct lesson!

Focal passage and memory verse for Unit 7: "Be angry and yet do not sin." Ephesians 4:26

A young woman who had been a child victim of sexual abuse described how rejected and humiliated she felt as a young girl when the police came to her house. She said, "I had been walking home from school when a man approached who said he would give me candy. I never got candy, even though I went to the woods with him. He raped me. I was so sore, and blood was all over me. He tore my dress. A woman had seen me go with him, bu tit was over so quickly. My mother got real mad at me and kept saying, "How could you be so stupid as to go anywhere with a stranger?" With that statement, my mother gave me a good weapon to punish myself. I was so confused. I didn't think anything could feel worse than what he did to me, but this was worse. I thought, "She's right, my mom's right. Why did I go into the woods? I was stupid. I hate myself."

In this unit you will examine anger and hurt in the light of survivors...

Sara, a 25 yaer old woman, was expressing her feelings in a sexual abuse group. "I am angry at my brothers! I am angry at anyone who looks like my brothers! I am just angry!" For eight years Sara had been tormented by her brothers. She had been held down, tied up, and forced to imitate pornographic material. She described many humiliating and vicious acts perpetrated against her. Sara had begged her parents for help, but they ignored her pleas. She is very angry about what happened to her as a child.

Almost everyone would acknowledge the right of the victim to be angry about being abused. Yet many people feel uncomfortable allowing survivors the right to express their anger. All victims have anger and need to learn to express it appropriately - whether or not the person who committed the abuse, those who enabled the abuse, the church, or the world might be offended by the victim's anger.

As a general rule, expressing anger appropriately does not mean blowing up or throwing things. It never involves using any form of violence. In fact, these methods do not work and can become addictive behaviors leading to more emotional pain.

Most of the time expressing your anger appropriately means acknowledging, accepting, and expressing your anger in a mature and controlled manner. Sometimes recovery from abuse requires more intense expressions of anger and rage than would, in most situations, seem appropriate. You will learn some ways of channeling these intense feelings through this study. You can also ask your therapist to help you express and release these intense feelings.

In your journals, write words or phrases that describe how you typically express your anger.

Throw things. Yell. Stuff it inside. Write. Talk it out. Slam doors. Run. Curse. Control people. Control circumstances. Be a perfectionist. Be nice. Other??

Some of the responses above are more helpful than others. Writing and talking out anger will help you to clarify your feelings. Sometimes yelling, throwing things, and slamming doors does release some built-up tension. However, others may be in your path so be careful to determine whether your anger is being destructive to yourself or to others. You may not even realize when you are using behaviors such as controlling and perfectionism.

A Preliminary Word of Caution

Before you proceed with the main focus of this unit, consider this caution: If you cannot use restraint in expressing your anger and you may harm others or yourself, immediately seek the help of a professional. A qualified Christian counselor can help you to explore the factors that make it difficult for you to deal with anger constructively. Lack of proper rest, physical problems, improper diet, depression, or being overwhelmed by memories of abuse can all impair your ability to cope with anger.

If you are prone to outbursts, you may find it helpful to meditate on Galatians 5 and the Book of Proverbs. Try to recognize any behavior patterns in yourself that you learned from being around angry people. For example, if you had an explosive parent, you may be imitating his or her uncontrollable temper. If you get "too angry", you can delay your response to the source of your anger and remove yourself from the circumstances until you have received professional counseling.

In your journal, write a description of your behavior the last time you were very angry.

Be honest with yourself about your anger. If you need to seek help to control your anger, find a counselor or support group in your area.

Do you need professional help to deal with your anger? Why or why not?

Jane realized that she was taking her anger out on her husband and her children. She felt sad as she realized that she was building a wall between herself and her family. She determined to focus her hanger where it belonged. She began a feelings journal and started talking about her anger with her support group. (You are welcome to share your feelings in the comments on this blog, on the Facebook Fan Page or even in a private email to me, if you'd like.)

Give Yourself Permission to be Angry

Anger always will be expressed in some way. Either you express it appropriately or it seeps out in ways that damage you and others. Let's look at the need to give yourself permission to be angry. Some of you may laugh at this idea because you consider yourself and angry person, or others consider you to be angry. You may say, "I don't have any trouble being angry." The challenge lies in allowing yourself to give appropriate outward expression to the inner anger you feel toward those who abused you and those who made it possible for them to abuse you. Taking out your anger on yourself or on others who are not involved is not appropriate. Some of you shut down your anger a long time ago, and you wonder what it's like to feel angry.

At the end of this section you have the chance to make a list of everyone with whom you are angry. This list should include everyone from the actual people who abused you to all the people who allowed the abuse. People who enabled the abuse - some call co-perpetrators - include everyone who, by what the did or what they didn't do, allowed the abuse to happen or to continue. Those who enable abuse can include parents, siblings, teachers, pastors, and protective services... You may also need to consider your anger toward the legal system and even toward God.

The role of the legal system is particularly important if you were molested as a child. For example, many states require children as young as five years old to testify in front of their abusers. Victims who have experienced these types of circumstances have a great deal of anger about the way the legal system re-victimized them.

A 36 year old woman described the experience of reporting her second rape by the same man. She had not reported the first assault because she thought it would be better if no one knew, including her husband and family. But when she was raped a second time, she chose to tell her family and the police. Instead of help, however, she incurred accusations from them and eventually was encouraged by them to drop the charges.

Because of the deep hurt and anger involved, do not leave out any person, system or organization when you make your list of abusers and enablers. Don't be afraid to include God on your list. Virtually every victim feels great anger toward God. Later in this unit you will explore the issue of anger toward God. Cindy was so angry with God that she left he church for a few years and made a decision to be an atheist. Last, but certainly not least, make sure to include yourself. You probably have been beating yourself over the head for years anyway, so put yourself on the list. Take plenty of time and allow God to reveal everyone toward whom you feel anger. Don't misdirect that anger towards those not involved or toward yourself alone.

Make a list of every person who abused you, every person who enabled the abuse, and every organization or system that you feel has hurt you, let you down, or toward which you feel anger.

Make another list of people toward whom you feel angry because they didn't understand your pain or support you when they learned about the abuse.

Your list needs to include your abuser or abusers and others who enable the abuse. You may have also included friends, relatives, adn others who knew you at the time of the abuse. Most people also experience anger at God. Review your lists and add any people or organizations necessary.

Pray for yourself and other members of this online group.

Remember that ...

You can accept God's love and kindness.
The truth will set you free!
You are worthy and have God to lead you and comfort you.
You are clean.
You are wonderfully made.
You have permission to feel your anger and hurt.

Got guilt?

2010-02-20T16:12:00.004-06:00

I've talked with several girlfriends lately who are struggling with guilt... Mommy guilt. Survivor's guilt. All sorts of guilt. I've written this post in my head a couple of times, but didn't know for sure if I'd actually publish it until I cracked open my Shelter book a few minutes ago. I was prepared to get started on Unit 6, but when I saw the title I felt like perhaps I'm meant to prime your hearts a little first....

The title is "Letting Go of Shame and Guilt."

That said... I'm going to kick the unit off with this blog post about my girlfriends' struggles with guilt. It is often easier to see wrong-thinking in others - you know, that whole objectivity thing...

My precious friend has cancer. At diagnosis, she had it in four different spots in her abdomen and chest. She has cancer, no question. She's been going through chemo treatments for a few months now. She was told to expect a great deal of nausea, complete hair loss right away, and dramatic weight loss. She has undergone a few surgeries, had a port placed inside her chest, has received a few blood transfusions, is receiving daily shots in her stomach to prevent blood clots, and has at least one medical appointment every single week. She has not experienced terrible nausea; however, she is certainly not feeling completely well. She is not completely bald, but she has lost more than half of her hair. And, rather than lose weight, she has gained it! Her doctor has suggested she limit her diet even more than it's already been limited (due to bacterial concerns, there are certain fruits and veggies that were stricken from her diet months ago). My friend is suffering... She is self-conscious about her hair loss. She is tired and doesn't feel well. She nervously awaits test results like every other cancer patient. She has scars and bruising and an device implanted into her chest. She is self-conscious about her weight gain. She has an emotional need to talk to other cancer survivors, but she feels "guilty" because she hasn't suffered the darkest extremes of the typical side effects. She keeps saying, "It could be so much worse. I really shouldn't be complaining." She is minimizing what she is going through, merely because "it could be worse". Out of guilt, she is not allowing herself to reach out to other cancer survivors for support.

I have another dear friend who is a working mom. Like every other good mother, she readily sacrifices at every turn to meet the needs of her children. She prepares well-balanced meals, does homework with them, plays with them, knows all of their friends and their friends' families. She never misses an appointment or activity. She nourishes them in every way. Her kids love her and she loves them. The kids know they are well-loved, but their mother beats herself up because she has to work. It crushes me every time she says, "Stay-at-home-moms are the best! Such good moms. I'm just not as good a mom because I work!" She is totally blaming herself and finding herself guilty of failure merely because she has to work. She should ask her kids - they will tell her the truth.

And one last friend who's been on my mind is the mother of a child born with a medical condition. While pregnant she took her vitamins, ate well, got some exercise... Did everything that an expectant mother can do to ensure the health and wellness of her baby. When her daughter was diagnosed with her condition, the mother's first words were, "What did I do wrong?" And even as my friend explained her daughters condition to me (years after diagnosis), the mother still used the words "....it's just something I passed on. Something I must have or carry or did." Let me tell you - this mother did NOTHING wrong. Frankly, if we believe the words of our Heavenly Father, we are assured that this precious little girl's creation was His doing. "You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb." Psalm 139:13. And while we may not know or understand exactly what His plan is, we are assured that he has a plan and that it is perfect. "For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 My dear friend did nothing to cause her daughter to be born with this condition, but she blames herself.

As we get ready to start this unit on letting go of shame and guilt, I want to encourage you to pray through your own thoughts and beliefs. Listen closely to the words that you say. Hold them up to the light of God's truth. How do your beliefs about yourself measure up? Where do you see wrong-thinking? Do you need to let go of shame and guilt?

We can be victorious!

2010-02-19T07:31:00.003-06:00

Kelly's Korner is doing a blog carnival today called Show Us Your Ministry. I am so happy to be a part of this, and I warmly welcome Kelly's readers to Victory Over Sexual Abuse.

You are either a survivor of sexual abuse or you know someone who is. It's true - 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys is sexually abused before their 18th birthday. Most suffer in silence.

The entire purpose for this blog - the mission for the Victory Over Sexual Abuse ministry - is to provide hope and encouragement to survivors of sexual abuse and the people who care about them.

The recovery process is long and difficult. But, more than that, it is life-giving. Changing. Healing. Empowering.

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." John 10:10

On my journey, I have traveled from a life of painful, shameful isolation and brokenness, to a place of joy, peace, love and acceptance. I have found purpose and wholeness. I have been renewed.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18

At Victory Over Sexual Abuse, you will find the lessons from the workbook that we use in our local support groups, as well as pieces of my personal recovery journey. It is my heart's desire to share this with survivors and support people alike. The work of recovery can only be done by the survivor, but support people are a critical component in healing. Never underestimate the power of a support person's availability, affirmation, prayer and encouragement.

I welcome you, the survivor, and the survivor's friend! Read on... Take in the tools for the survivor, the tips for the support person, and the child abuse prevention and response information for everyone.

Bookmark this blog, become a follower or become a fan on Facebook. Let's have discussions in the comments! And, please, tell your friends -- since most survivors suffer in silence, you truly do not know who among you might need this.

To Kelly, all of my amazingly supportive friends, my husband and kids, and every other support person out there -- from the bottom of my heart, thank you. Your acceptance, care and concern are such an encouragement. As I have walked this amazing journey in ministry with other survivors, we have often been carried by your prayers and kind words. You are such a blessing.

And Jesus said "...Whenever you did one of these things to someone overlooked or ignored, that was me—you did it to me." Matthew 25:40

To the survivor, I pray that you will find this to be a safe place of hope and encouragement. I pray that you will shed the lies and discover the truth. You are loved. You are special. You are worthy. A crime was committed against you. You are not guilty. It was not your fault. It did happen. You can tell the truth. There is hope. You can heal. You are not alone. The list goes on...

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Matthew 25:40

As I think about each of you visiting right now, I am reminded that God uses all things for His glory and that only He can bring such beauty from ashes. I am deeply grateful for his loving provision and healing hand. I sit in awe of my Heavenly Father.

The pain is the same

2010-02-09T08:46:00.001-06:00

I often hear things along these lines... "My childhood abuse was so horrendous, no one can relate to me" or "I was only abused a couple of times - nothing like his/her lifetime of abuse - I feel ashamed for making my abuse such a big deal. I don't have the right to be in the same group with him/her!"

In both cases, we are isolating and even shaming ourselves.

Don't be fooled, friends. That is not God talking! He does not operate through guilt, shame or isolation.

The pain of sexual abuse is the same and we are all equally deserving of recovery! No two people will share the exact same story or experiences, but the wounds are the same. The girl who was raped repeatedly by her father shares the exact same violation to her heart as the boy who was fondled by a neighbor.

Some of us have more areas of violation than others. It is undoubtedly an added tragedy when abuse happens at the hands of a family member, or when people turn a blind eye to abuse and allow it to happen. It is crushing when responsible adults choose to silence a victim, rather than advocate for justice and support their healing journey. And certainly grave circumstances like abductions or ritual abuse is unthinkable. There are countless acts that compound the pain of sexual abuse; and these violations absolutely add another layer of wounding. But hear me on this - it does not diminish what anyone else has been through, nor does it separate us one from the other. We are all survivors of sexual abuse and that pain is the same.

Satan works through shame and guilt. He will tell you that you are undeserving of counseling / a support group / even your pain because "It could have been so much worse... Compared to someone else, you really didn't suffer all that much... You have so much to be grateful for, why are you focused on something that happened 30 years ago?" Satan wants you to be stuck, alone, feeling miserable.

Don't guilt, shame or isolate yourself any longer. The details of abuse are not the issue - the state of your heart is. Embrace that truth and take the bold step of walking into recovery. You deserve it!

Unit 6 Lesson 5, The Potter's Hand

2010-02-07T09:31:00.001-06:00

The book of Jeremiah records an important story that applies to sexual abuse. God sent Jeremiah to observe a potter at work. The potter was making a pot, but he discovered a flaw. Possibly the potter allowed his hand to slip, knocking the pot off center on the wheel. At any rate, the pot was damaged. So the potter remade the pot into another vessel.

"But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him." Jeremiah 18:4

Just as a pot can be damaged by the action of the potter, sexual abuse victims have been marred by the actions of abusers. Teh abuser shapes a vessel that is full of shame, guilt, fear and despair.

Then God spoke to Jeremiah and gave the second half of the picture. He said, "'Oh house of Israel, can I not do with you as this potter has done?' declares the Lord. 'Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in My hand, O house of Israel.'" Jeremiah 18:6

When a pot has been damaged, the potter does not throw away the clay. The potter reuses and reshapes the clay into a new vessel. God said that just as the potter can use the damaged clay, He can make something beautiful from the ruins of our lives. Contrast Jeremiah 18:4 and a passage that you have read previously.... Psalm 139:14 states, "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."

In your journal, write two lists. Compare what you feel about yourself, or what you felt about yourself before beginning recovery, with Psalm 139:114. Do you feel that you are "fearfully and wonderfully made" or do you feel that you are "damaged goods"?

Fill in the blanks:

1. What I have felt about myself:
2. What the Scripture says about me:

People injure us when the abuse us, but God is the true Potter who takes the damaged clay and makes it into a beautiful vase. Let God make you aware that you were created to be a vase full of life, full of value, full of worth. You can recover as you allow God to remake you according to His plan.

Leave You Burden with the Perpetrator

Shame and guilt are both tremendously destructive. To restore your life, you may need to forgive yourself for your own sinful choices. Please do it. Be cautious, however, to leave the shame and responsibility of sexual abuse with the person who abused you. Most of us felt the need to seek God's forgiveness for our abuse as well as from choices that we had made based o our faulty thinking. For us to ask for and accept God's forgiveness for our wrong choices is appropriate. For us to see forgiveness for what others have done to us is fruitless. You need not seek forgiveness for someone else's actions.

In the paragraph above you read about two kinds of forgiveness most of us feel the need to seek. From your life experience, name at least one example of each.

1. An example of my abuse (for which I do not need to be forgiven) is:
2. An example of a bad choice I made based on my wrong thinking is:

Many of us are accomplished self-guilt artists. For the first response you may have listed any of the actions of your abuser or of those people who aggravated the abuse by their actions or their inaction. For the second response, many of us have made wrong choices in dating or other relationships. We sometimes have been vindictive, or critical, or defensive. We need forgiveness for our choices.

"For you, Oh Lord, are good and ready to forgive [our trespasses - sending them away, letting them go completely and forever] and you are abundant in mercy and lovely riches to all those who call upon you." Psalm 86:5

In your journal, as an act of faith, please write: "I thank you, Lord Jesus for your willingness to forgive my sins by sending them away, letting them go completely and forever." Feel free to journal in detail the sins He has forgiven.

You are the victim of another person's sin. If you had been shot by a bank robber and you had been paralyzed for life, you would be a victim of the person's crime and sin. there would be no reason for shame or guilt on your part.

Many times we feel false guilt because we think our actions caused the abuse. Sometimes the fact that we have made bad choices adds to the problem. In the case of the bank robbery, suppose you had slipped away from the office during working hours, against company policy, to cash a check. You would be guilty of violating company rules, bu tnot of wanting to be shot!

If some negligence of action on your part contributed to your sexual abuse, describe that negligence or action in your journal.

Did you, by that action or inaction, desire to be sexually abused?

Did you commit the crime by sexually abusing yourself or did someone else commit the abuse? (Yes, the question seems ridiculous.).... What is your answer? I did it - OR - The perpetrator did it.

If you committed some indiscretion - whether great or small in your eyes - confess that action or negligence. God forgives lavishly and freely. But just as in the example of the person who was shot during the bank robbery, leave the perpetrator's guilt with the perpetrator, and leave any guilt that belongs to the enablers or co-perpetrators with them.

Exercises for forgiveness

Because we so frequently carry a load of guilt, some of it appropriate but most of it false, we usually need to work through our guilt issues. The following exercises will help you to sort out the appropriate and the inappropriate guilt surrounding your abuse.

In your journal, describe anything surrounding your abuse about which you need to be forgiven.

Carolyn was only five years old when her parents left her alone and told her not to leave the house. She was afraid, so she walked down the street to her uncle's home. Her uncle sexually abused Carolyn. For the next 40 years Carolyn blamed herself for the abuse. She believe that, because she disobeyed her parents, she was to blame for the aubse.

Perhaps you have been carrying a weight of guilt and anger toward yourself for being drunk, disobeying your parents, or just using poor judgment about where to be. None of these mean you were responsible for the abuse. However, you may need to ask God to forgive you and you may need to forgive yourself for your poor judgment before you continue to recover.

In your journal, describe any choices that you may have made based on faulty thinking as a result of the abuse.

You may have described your difficulty relating to authority figures because of an abusive parent, or the consequences in your life caused by maintaining the secret. You may have made poor choices as a result of poor boundaries. Many survivors become sexually promiscuous as a result of the abuse. One woman in recovery reported that she just recently had her first date ever that did not end in bed. She said she simply did not know she had the right to say no to sexual advances. Blaming ourselves for our poor choices will not help, but we do need to ask and accept forgiveness so we can move forward with our lives.

In the Old Testament we find that people suffered the consequences of the sins of others as we do today. God, however, responds with a plan to redeem the victim of abuse.

"They sinned against Me: I will change their glory into shame." Hosea 4:7

Hosea 4:7 is about the priests who were abusing their office and the people. They were haughty and proud, but God promised to place the shame where it belonged - with the abuser rather than the victims. The sexual abuser sins not only against the victim, but also against God. The shame belongs to the person who committed the abuse.

In Isaiah 54:4, God speaks to His people using the imagery of a barren woman. What He says speaks to the victim of sexual abuse as well. Write down any word or phrase that gives you hope.

"Fear not, for you will not be put to shame;
And do not feel humiliated, for you will not be disgraced;
But you will forget the shame of your youth,
And the reproach of your widowhood you will remember no more.
"For yourhusband is your Maker,
Whose name is the LORD of hosts;
And yourRedeemer is the Holy One of Israel,
Who is called theGod of all the earth.
"For the LORD has called you..."
Isaiah 54:4-6

Give yourself and God the time to complete the good work He has started in you. This is a very difficult and painful part of your recovery. It may take a long time. But please try to remember that even in the valley, God is with you. He will redeem the time. You can draw strength from God's promises in Isaiah 54:4, "fear not for you will not be put to shame ... humiliated ... [or] disgraced ... you will forget the shame of your youth."

In your journal, complete the following sentences, keeping in mind that God sees you from a different perspective than you see yourself right now. Let God redefine how you see yourself. If necessary, review this unit and your work thus far in Shelter.

For the Lord has called me...
In the Lord's eyes I am...
For the Lord has called me...
In the Lord's eyes I am...
For the Lord has called me...
In the Lord's eyes I am...

We pray that you were able to include words like beautifully and wonderfully made, His daughter/son, clean, worthy of love, to be healed, to be free from shame and guilt.

Many prayers for your continued recovery! I am so proud of you.

Precious, Based on the novel PUSH

2010-01-31T14:57:00.004-06:00

I picked up the book Precious at Costco a few weeks ago. The first couple of chapters detail some pretty gruesome abuse and failures of "the system". I was nauseous as I read, but I refused to put the book down (as much as my stomach wanted me to). This story is a collection of experiences in the lives of young women the author met while teaching at an alternative school. The awful acts and miserable failures are truths - facts of life for girls and boys around the world. Putting the book down would mean turning a deaf ear and a cold shoulder to those who have walked in similar shoes.

As I read on, I was brought to tears by those who reached out to help this young girl. I can relate to so much of what she feels and thinks. I have experienced pieces of her story.

Reject before being rejected. Keep secrets. Trust no one. Suspect everyone.

My heartbeat quickened and I read faster as she found her inner strength and determination to rise above her situation and make a life for herself. She knew they were wrong and she was not! She began to trust. As I read her story, I vividly remembered sitting in counselors' offices, having the occasional person speak a word of encouragement and assistance into my ear. I knew exactly what she was feeling.

That's how it works when two or more survivors gather. We know. We can lift each other up and take steps forward into a better life.

This book is a perfect illustration of the ugliness of so many forms of child abuse and systemic failures. It is also a beautiful portrait of the support that can be found among like-minded survivors, and the incredible capacity the human spirit has for surviving and thriving. Precious is a gut-wrenching book that is loaded with memory triggers and may be not be a good read for you right now. But I believe there's a little bit of Precious (the young woman) in every survivor of childhood sexual abuse. Kudos to the author for writing so honestly about the realities of child abuse. And kudos to you for being here. For taking the steps needed to reclaim your life! You are a survivor. A precious survivor.

Fruitful Friday

2010-01-29T12:40:00.006-06:00

But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control." Galatians 5:22-23

In my life, I frequently find hope in seeing others who've gone through similar circumstances and came out victorious on the other side... If they are progressing, it means that I can do it too! Let's share with one another the victories we've seen on our recovery journeys. The fruits that our Heavenly Father promises.

This is what FAITH looks like to me today.

God's Word has breathed life into me like nothing else. He is my redeemer, my restorer, my comforter, my provider and protector. My Heavenly Father. He continues to heal my heart, mind and soul. I have faith in his word - that I am special, loved, purposefully made, a part of His perfect plan. No matter what happens, I know that those things never change. He gave me a husband to walk through life hand-in-hand with. In the gift of my husband, God restored my faith in love and family. And, as if that wasn't enough, God has surrounded me with loving friends. Men and women that I've been in small groups, Bible studies and ministries with, school moms, neighborhood friends, sports families, even renewed friendships with childhood friends. Through them, God has restored my faith in humanity.

I praise God for the new lenses he's given me to see the world though. Faith is a beautiful thing.

Have you seen fruit in your journey? I would love to see it!! Write a post on your blog, linking back to this post, and leave a comment here with a link to your blog. I look forward to reading about the blessings in your life!

Unit 6 Lesson 4, The Damage of Secrecy

2010-01-27T13:05:00.004-06:00

Before I get started with the lesson, I just have to say that my jaw dropped when I cracked my book open and saw the title. God has laid so much on my heart over the last few days about secrecy... I cannot wait to get into this lesson and see what he has waiting for me here! I don't believe in coincidence. I believe that God has timed this perfectly, that I would be studying secrecy at the exact moment that I am taking big steps in revealing more about myself. Cannot wait to share more with you in the coming days...

Until then... The lesson:

Secrecy gives shame and guilt the power to torment you. Secrecy isolates you within your own mind. It can cause you to believe that you are the only one experiencing such devastating trauma. We spoke earlier of shame being like a plant whose existence depends on water. People, like plants, must have water to survive. A human can live for many days without food, but only three days without water. To use that metaphor in another way, secrecy is the water that the memories of the abuse depend on for life.

In your journal, describe your life of secrecy the victimization and/or your life of secrecy after the victimization. How does it feel to have a secret life?

As you tell your story - in a safe environment with a pastor, counselor, or support group - you will dilute and destroy the strength of the memories of the abuse. By telling the story you destroy the power of shame and guilt. By telling the story you gain power and control over the memories. In our analogy, the memories are the nourishment of the guilt. The kind of toxic guilt and shame experienced in sexual abuse leads to feelings of condemnation.

You are working to memorize Romans 8:1. "There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Reciting this Scripture is not enough. Begin to move its wisdom from your head to your heart. Do this by quoting the Scripture, then writing a note to yourself every time a shame memory flashes across your mind. Determine in your heart to tell this memory to someone. As you apply the Scripture and break the silence, you will create an environment to neutralize the tendency for flashbacks. You may remember a new circumstance or incident. God will remove the obstacles blocking your memories and allow you to remember as necessary so that you can experience healing. When your memories cause you to feel shame, quote Romans 8:1 to remind yourself that there is no condemnation, no shame, or worthlessness. The memories can be just memories, without shame and guilt.

If you have not already done so, you are encouraged to begin writing your story when you are with a supportive person in a safe place. You need time alone to do your recovery work, but beware of isolating yourself. You need the presence and encouragement of others.

First review your affirmations.

I accept God's love and kindness toward me.
The truth will set me free!
I am worth to have God lead me and comfort me.
I am clean.
I am wonderfully made.

Quote your memory verse for this unit and any other Scriptures that have been meaningful to you.

Write down as many details as you can about on incident of sexual abuse. Write as though you were a reporter, answering the questions - who, what, when, where. Use additional pages as needed or write in a separate journal.

If you could only write on sentence, celebrate your ability to do that! Go on a walk, take a bubble bath, or listen to your favorite music. It will get easier! For now, read your affirmations again and thank God for walking with you through this process. You will make it!

"There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Romans 8:1

Unit 6 Lesson 3, The Heaviness of Guilt

2010-01-25T13:08:00.003-06:00

Sexual abuse produces strong feelings of guilt and inadequacy. Whether you are a victim of child sexual abuse or a victim of rape, you may have received messages like, "You are not worth as much as I am. My needs are more important than yours." At the time of the abuse, you the victim, are helpless. You cannot do anything to stop what is happening to you. Even though you cannot stop the abuse, you feel responsible because it is happening to you, not to someone else. The experience powerfully reinforces any feelings of inadequacy you already have fixed in your mind.

Gloria, a beautiful young woman, describes how she uses guilt to help her get things done with two small children and an ambitious husband. Clearly the cost of this kind of motivation is destructively high.

"I have a lot to do without much help at home. So whenever I get behind on things and feel depressed, I deliberately think about my abuse. I begin to feel sick and useless about myself. Then when I really need a boost of guilt, I begin to remember all the guys I slept with, and I start to cry and feel really bad. But it works, and I get everything done. It's like I punish myself and the penalty is to work real hard. I know, though, that the reason I am here and the reason I come to this group is that I hope it will help my children. Also, my husband makes me feel guilty about everything.

I know this is because I am so good at feeling guilty. In fact, I'm better than anybody at doing that. I realize that while using this guilt on myself makes me get things done, it also makes me feel really sad. The reason I beat myself over the head is because most of the time I just lie around and do nothing. I just don't have any energy. I guess I am depressed."

The joy of objectivity.

Guilt often produces anger turned inward, which can lead to depression, as it did for Gloria. This is only one of guilt's devastating effects on victims. To combat those effects, we urge you to begin by examining the areas of life where you feel guilty. To effectively examine our areas of guilt is often difficult because sexual abuse robs us of our objectivity and leaves us feeling guilty about almost everything, even though there is no basis for doing so.

In your journal, list several things that you frequently feel guilty about.

Review your list. Place a checkmark beside those items that represent attitudes and behaviors there were your responsibility. Draw a line through those that are feelings of false guilt - items that are someone else's responsibility. Place a question mark beside those that you are unsure of.

Remember that you were a victim of a crime. Many adult victims and most child victims never make a sound while they are being subject to abuse. They are frozen and unable emotionally to deal with the victimization. People are victims when they are unable to stop what is being done to them.

The danger of Denial

Beware of the universal reaction of denial. Don was a bicyclist whose ambition was to ride a "double century". A "double century" ride is 200 miles in 24 hours. Don entered a ride that consisted of four 50-mile courses. He rode the first hundred miles and was near exhaustion. He was only able to complete the third 50-mile loop about midnight by pushing his bike the last few miles. Don did not attempt to ride the final 50 miles. Instead he drove home, fell into bed, and was unable to walk the next day. That experience was 20 years ago, and Don still blames himself for not completing the 200 miles. He continues to blame and condemn himself with statements like, "I had eight hours left and I only had 50 miles to go. Why did I quit? I could have finished the ride. I'm a wimp and a failure."

Compare Don's story with the millions of times when a child or an adult is sexually abused by someone who is older, stronger, or more intimidating and then the victim things, "Why didn't I ..... (fill in the blank)?" In your journal, describe what is wrong with both Don's thinking and the sexual abuse victim's thinking.

You may have explained the problem in one of many ways. The problem is denial. Don exhibits irrational thinking over something as simple as a goal he could not reach. In the same way those of us who have suffered sexual abuse continue to blame ourselves and to think we should have done something differently. The feelings of guilt spread to every area of our lives. These feelings grow from our unrealistic expectations of ourselves. To feel guilty is easier than to accept the fact that we were powerless. don did not have the power to ride one more mile. We did not have the power to stop the abuse.

How have you practiced denial by blaming and punishing yourself?

One victim is now able to laugh at herself as she describes her feelings of guilt. "First I feel that I am not doing enough for God; then I feel guilty about my husband. Next I overwhelm myself with guilt feelings about my children. Then come my parents. Finally I get to my dog and feel guilty because I don't spend enough time with her. After that I watch some talk shows and end up looking in the mirror and trying to forgive myself for not taking care of me."

As humorous as this story might seem, it illustrates how we need to be objective about our guilt feelings if we are to make progress. Examining our thoughts helps us to see if God is convicting us to change areas in our lives. Healthy guilt points out the areas where we need to make changes. This kind of guilt leads to a change of heart which the Bible calls repentance. In Romans 2:4 Paul says that the goodness of God leads us to repentance. If we allow God to overcome our thoughts of guilt, both real and false, the path of freedom more than rewards us for the effort.

Read your list of guilt feelings again. Spend some time praying about the feelings on your list. Ask God to help you to let go of false guilt and to accept forgiveness for any behaviors and attitudes that are harmful to you and others.

"There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Romans 8:1

Fruitful Friday

2010-01-22T12:31:00.013-06:00

"But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control." Galatians 5:22-23

When I started leading groups two years ago, a woman came by my house to pick up her workbook. My family was in the driveway, playing basketball... She parked in front of the house next door, so I walked over to meet her and give her her things. We chatted for a few minutes, and as she was about to leave, she looked back at me with tears in her eyes and said, "It gives me so much hope to watch your family playing so happily. I can't help imagining that this is waiting for me too."

I have often thought about her and how she'd found hope in merely catching a glimpse at what life has to offer through recovery. It makes me think of the "fruit" that knowing God (and his powerful healing and love) has produced in my life.

On Fridays, I want to rejoice with you - sharing with one another a snapshot of the fruit that we've experienced on this journey from victim to survivor.

This is what PEACE looks like to me today.

I am reminded of a picture taken at church camp 28+ years prior. That old picture was what peace looked like to me as a little girl... A week at camp. A week of love and carefree childish fun. A week - the only week a year - without the fear of sexual abuse. Today, I walk in the tall grass again, holding the hand of my precious son, knowing the indescribable peace that God has filled me with...everyday! I am removed from the fear of nighttime abuse and daily neglect and rejection. And my heart has been healed enough that I know true, year-round peace. God is so good!

Have you seen fruit in your journey? I would love to see it!! Write a post on your blog, linking back to this post, and leave a comment here with a link to your blog. I plan to figure out Mr. Linky between now and the next Fruitful Friday - until then, we'll have to use the comments to share.

Okay

2010-01-21T16:16:00.005-06:00

After all these years of sharing with others about my abusive childhood, I am still a bit uneasy in my response to "I'm sorry." They (whoever I'm sharing with) are not apologizing, they are expressing sympathy and also affirming for me that I was not at fault. And that's the intent behind my saying "I'm sorry" when someone shares their pain with me.

But... What are we (survivors) to say in response? Do we shrug our shoulders and say, "Oh, I know... It's okay."? Surly not. It's not okay. I think my general response is to nod in agreement and thank them for their concern, compassion and encouragement.

As I've pondered this today, I've thought about what would prompt me to say anything close to "It's okay".

It is not okay for adults to abuse children. Not okay at all. Ever. Never.

What I would mean to say is that I am okay.

That... Because I felt so utterly alone and unloved for 28 years, I have a deep appreciation for the relationships I have with my husband and children. If I had never known lonely and broken, would I take for granted the love and happiness I have found in this family?

That... Because I have never known the unconditional love and acceptance of earthly parents, I have an inexplicable desire for my heavenly father. Would I want Him to this degree if I'd had wonderfully loving parents?

That... Because I grew up in a discouraging, neglectful home, I have a heart for children who remind me of me. Would I be this drawn to children in need if I'd have had it all as a child?

That... I went through the things I went through to help others get through what they're going through. Without my being a survivor of sexual abuse, would I be as passionate in ministry or have the ability to relate to others the way I can now?

That... God wastes nothing. He is so powerful and purposeful that He uses even the ugliest of human sins for good. He has done that in my life...

And that makes me okay. He makes me okay.

Hello {again}

2010-01-17T20:24:00.004-06:00

The blog has gotten a bit of a make-over for the first time in a year! I also made a blog button that you can put on your blog, directing people over here if you'd like. ***Just copy this code and add the html as a gadget.

***Okay, so try as I might, I cannot figure out how to merely paste the code in rather than display the button itself! Anyone know??? Can't do it in my sidebar either. I'm clearly NOT a blog designer....just a blog writer! I will figure it out. Sorry...

With the new year (and a welcomed improvement in our family's schedule!) I am so excited to blog here more regularly and share more of myself and the incredible hope and expectations I have for continued recovery and restoration.

Hello 2010 and hello {again} to each of you! Many prayers and blessings.

Finding my voice

2010-01-04T15:27:00.009-06:00

Growing up in an abusive, neglectful, rejecting home taught me to fear others. Fear love. Fear relationships. Fear rejection.

Assume that they don't care so that when they, in fact, don't care, it won't matter. Much.

Living like that left me in a constant state of disconnect from others. I was needy for a man's love... And knew I could get their attention with my body and a flirtatious laugh. But I was terrified of women. In a twisted way (that many of you will understand), my abuser (dad) showed an interest in me (albeit disgusting and criminal), it was my mother who so loudly rejected me.

I didn't have a genuine, completely vulnerable friendship until I was 30 years old.

At 30, I had a one year old child and was desperate for a friend. Play dates became times for my one friend and me to talk, and she openly shared her life and invited me to share mine. So, share I did. For the first time ever.

I could share with her about my life, but I could not talk about how I felt about her. That took a couple of years, actually.

Before I was able to tell my one friend how I felt about her, I experimented by expressing gratitude and admiration on safer subjects - our church staff. I'd send kind thank you notes via email, telling myself that if they did not respond it was likely only because they were busy. No reflection on me. To my surprise (and utter satisfaction and elation) they always responded with kind words in return. They did not reject me. I could express warm feelings for someone other than my husband and child and not get spit out!

After months and months of my sending nice emails to the church staff and receiving nice emails in return, I decided I wanted to let my friend know how much she meant to me. I sent her an email and two days later she wrote me back and said she was speechless... among other things. She did not say she was disgusted, for which I was incredibly happy.

From then on, I have never hesitated to send someone a note to tell them how much they mean to me, to thank them for something they did, or to encourage them through a difficult situation.

I have learned to not only love, but to express love and receive love. I have found that at my core I deeply love and care about people. I root for the underdog, fiercely defend what is right, and regularly seek to provide uplifting and encouraging feedback regarding people's work (be it motherhood, their job, ministry, etc).

In recent months, I have discovered the immense power of a little encouragement...

Six months ago, I sat through a sermon that was largely annoying for me. I listened to every word, but kept saying, "But what if....?" I was relating his message to the very real cancer scare we were in the middle of, asking what to do if your worry is not about material things but about the life or death of one's child? As his sermon neared the end, he answered my question. I realized that I was worrying because I didn't trust God's plan to be perfect. It was a moment that changed my heart in the middle of a gut-wrenching season of our lives. I wrote about it on my family blog as soon as I got home, which my pastor happened to read. He emailed me that night and told me that my post taught him something and was the tool God used to improve his message for the next day. (We go to church on Saturday nights, there were still four other services on Sunday.) My words - the words of a mere mom, a young woman with no Bible college or even Christian high school under her belt - spoke to a pastor's heart and served to improve his sermon. Something I said had a trickle-down effect on more than 5,000 people. Wow.

And just this week... A blogging mom wrote a post from the heart, and she received some pretty nasty criticism in response. I sent her an email, hoping to encourage and spur her on in her pursuit of being fully vulnerable, giving others a safe place to find encouragement and validation regarding struggles that are common to so many but not readily discussed. My email got her mind racing, and resulted in a beautiful blog post about living life in spite of our fears, acting out in obedience, and being vulnerable and authentic with our lives. I have heard that her blog receives 100,000 visitors each day! I cannot even wrap my mind around the idea that a short email from my heart to hers served to encourage a spectacular blog post that has been read by countless people around the world.

In no way do I think I'm responsible for either of these two situations. The pastor is a phenomenal teacher and the writer is incredibly talented. Both of them have received these talents through His gifting. God no doubt placed the sermon and the blog post on their hearts... but he also used me to put the tiniest bug in their ears.

I have a vivid memory from shortly after my 21st birthday. A woman (older than my mother) watched me squirm as someone handed me a gift. When we were sitting together in private, she gently took my hand and told me that I would need to learn how to accept a gift. She could not have been more right.

As a younger, completely broken woman... I was squeamish when presented gifts, speechless if someone expressed feelings for me, stiff if someone wanted to hug me, defensive if anyone said my parents had treated me poorly (even though they had), and completely frozen by the prospect of telling someone that I cared for them. In his perfect time, God healed all of that and gave me a voice.

I can't carry a tune in a bucket, but this is a voice I am forever grateful for!

"Every good and perfect gift is from above." James 1:17

If you lost your voice somewhere amidst the destruction of sexual abuse, I want to encourage you to take baby steps to get it back. Journal, blog, comment on this blog, talk with a counselor, get real with your spouse, make your first friend.

I'm amazed that my first friendship came about a just six short years ago... and jump started such a tremendous change in me. In that time, God has opened door after door, giving me places - each a little larger than the previous - to share my heart and use my voice. With God, I moved into a place where I was able to discover my heart, my needs, my longings. His purpose.

All too often, survivors of sexual abuse find that the abuse has stripped away everything that is good and righteous in this life. However, when we are intentional and seek godly support and wisdom in our recovery, we will find that He has so much more in store for us. It is true. God brings beauty from ashes... and He is the only one who can! When we trust him.

"To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the Lord has planted for his own glory." Isaiah 61:3

"So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." Luke 11:9

Holiday intruder

2009-11-25T20:12:00.005-06:00

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. An American holiday typically celebrated by gathering with one's extended family and feeling immensely thankful and joyful. At least that's what everyone says they are doing. And what I really wish I was doing...

The problem is that I get distracted by certain circumstances and allow them to suck part of the joy out of the gathering part of the day. The time when we're with extended family, but it's not mine.

It is very easy for me to prattle off an extensive list of all the things I'm thankful for. Truly, God has blessed me in ways I never imagined possible. Ways that I can scarcely put words to. He has given me new life here on earth, a husband and children, wonderful friends, a church family, financial stability, a fantastic community in which to live... and eternal life. I am deeply blessed and deeply grateful.

But the loneliness that comes with not being with my extended family on Thanksgiving is a heavy burden. It has lessened over the years, but the anguish rears it's ugly head at some point every year. It hit today.

I stumbled upon this a little while ago...

"Talk to God about whatever may be pressuring you and then commit the entire matter into His hands...Acquaint Him with it; yes, even burden Him with it, and you will have put the concerns and cares of the matter behind you. From that point forward, exercise quiet, sweet diligence in your work, recognizing your dependence on Him to carry the matter for you. Commit your cares and yourself with them, as one burden, to your God."

-Streams in the Desert

I am alone right now - for the first time since 5:55am. I am headed upstairs for some quiet time with my Heavenly Father. Let's see how I do at committing my cares and myself to Him this Thanksgiving. Sometimes I hand things over to Him and then take them back.

I am going to leave you with Psalm 37:5, but I encourage you to get out your Bible and meditate on all of Psalm 37. That's where I'm headed right now!

"Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust Him and He will help you." Psalm 37:5

Good night, friends. And may you be blessed this Thanksgiving and always.

Unit 6 Lesson 2, A Further Look at Shame

2009-11-19T13:12:00.005-06:00

Webster's dictionary defines shame as "a painful emotion excited by a consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety; disgrace, dishonor." The Hebrew concept of disgrace includes the idea of being uncovered physically, particularly the genital area; it can also refer to having one's plans and expectations frustrated or disappointed. Both definitions apply to the effects of sexual abuse.

Any form of sexual molestation, rape or abuse transfers to the victim the disgrace of the abuser. Sexual abuse creates shame in the victim. Often when victims tell about their abuse, their listeners add to the feeling of shame because the listeners have distorted the ideas about abuse. They say things like: "Why didn't you do something?" "I knew someone had you before we got married!" "You coulda done something!" "It went on so long, you must have gotten something out of it." You need to protect yourself as much as possible from such responses. You may need to review Unit 1 which contains materials to help you educate listeners.

Shame is a natural response to feeling uncovered or exposed. During the abuse your body was probably uncovered, but there was also the uncovering of your mind. Your sense of innocence was destroyed and the trust was lost. Innocence and trust must be restored. Survivors of abuse are left with frustrated hopes and plans. Dreams for having a healthy relationship with a father, a mate, a mother, a brother, or a child have been demolished. The abuse leaves victims believing that they are insignificant, of no account, no good. As you become aware of and overcome shame messages, these messages will have less power over you.

In your journal, write the following statements three times.

I am significant.
I do count.
I am worthwhile.

This exercise may feel uncomfortable at first but eventually you will be able to feel significant, that you do count, and that you are worthwhile.

The Message of the Abuser

The deliverer of the first of these messages is the person who abused you who says, "What I want goes, and what is best for you is of no concern to me." These and all other messages that convey worthlessness are shame messages. You must begin the difficult work of identifying the shame messages from the persons who abused you and the person who aided them by ignoring or covering up their actions.

An adult female victim tells her story of abuse. "I was eight years old when the abuse stopped. I'm not sure when it started. It stopped because my mom and stepdad got a divorce. I never fought, I never did anything when he would hold me close to him. I never did anything when he touched me except freeze and hope it would be over soon. I just felt bad. From the way people looked at me, I was sure everyone knew, and it made me feel guilty and useless. It happened again later with my stepmother, when I was a teenager. She said she was putting medicine on me. I would look away, down at the floor, sighing in hopes that she would stop touching me.

"I didn't know how to stop it. I couldn't tell anyone about my stepmother; it was just too bad. I told a pastor about my stepdad. What a joke that pastor was. He said, "Don't you understand that your stepfather felt lonely and sad during the divorce and all he wanted was some affection?" Well, of course, I agreed. But after that, I felt even more shame than before. I never told anyone else, that is, until now. But I am 48 now, and there are a lot of wasted years. I wish I would have known to tell and to keep telling until I found someone who would listen and believe me."

The wisdom of God can remove the shame imposed by the abuse message. You can learn to speak God's Word about yourself, not the damaging words of the person who abused you.

Read what the apostle Paul wrote about God's message... "We do, however, speak a message of wisdom among the mature, but not the wisdom of this age or of the rulers of this age, who are coming to nothing. No, we speak of God's secret wisdom, a wisdom that has been hidden and that God destined for our glory before time began." 1 Corinthians 2:6-7

What is the purpose God has intended for us according to this passage? God intends His secret wisdom -

To shame us
To makes us feel inadequate
For our good

Learn to believe and give thanks to God. He wants us to experience his goodness, not to expose our shame.

Psalm 139:14 says, "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well."

How did the psalmist say you were made?

The psalmist says that you were fearfully and wonderfully made. Do not allow us or anyone else to tell you how you feel, but you can learn to challenge your own thinking and thus change your own feelings.

As your own decision to change your thoughts about yourself, write in your journal three times: "I am fearfully and wonderfully made."

God does not intend for you to feel ashamed!

In your journal, write any shame messages that the person or persons who abused you said to you.

For each shame message write a response that declares that these messages are not true!

Suzanne, a victim of date rape, was told by her date that he could tell by the way she was dressed that "she wanted it." He said, "You knew I thought that red dress was sexy." Suzanne had heard others say that he really like her red dress. She did want to look nice for their date, but she did not wear it to seduce him. Red went well with Suzanne's dark hair. When Allen turned down a dark side street, she told him she wanted to go home. She was in an unfamiliar neighborhood, and when he stopped, she was afraid to get out of the car and afraid to stay.

The Message from Your Own Body

A second area of shame has to do with feelings about your body or body parts. Many victims see themselves as fat and ugly. Some purposely get fat or take little care of themselves in order to ward off further abuse. Some focus on a particular body part that they hate. Some are consumed with self-hatred.

In your journal, describe your feelings about your body. Do you particularly feel repulsed by or ashamed of part(s) of your body?

Twelve-year-old Kimberly tells her mother that she hates her body, all except for her breasts. She likes starting to develop, but she feels bad about it for some reason. When Kimberly was raped, her breasts had not yet developed so her abuser did not touch that part of her. Because of this, Kimberly does not feel shame toward her breasts, but she still feels confused. In many victims, sexual abuse develops a self-hate toward their body parts. Some victims have to have certain or all parts of their bodies stimulated - even by their mates.

Verbal Message from Others

A third area of shame can occur even without physical sexual abuse having taken place. Children - and adults, too - can be shamed by statements like, "You can't do anything right," "You're stupid," or "You can't be my child." Being neglected also brings about shame. For example, if no one was ever home for you or cooked a meal for you, or acted as though they didn't want you around, you probably felt insignificant or worthless."

Jesus can transform this hate toward the body or toward the mind, as Pal points out in Romans 12:2.

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind [do not believe the message of shame, but rather God's wisdom]. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will."

This scripture helps us begin to understand that as Christ works healing, the abuse will no longer continue to haunt us.

Write a prayer, asking God to remove feelings of hatred toward your body and to replace them with realistic true feelings about yourself.

You might write something like: "Dear God, I am 40 pounds overweight. I accept that and know I need to change that. I will not feel shame about it anymore. I will stop putting myself down."

If the messages you are receiving produce shame and condemnation, it is a false message. God plans to restore you to the truth. Each memory, each thought, each negative message touched by God's restorative power overcomes the marring effects of sexual abuse. When you allow God to restore your soul from the effects of shame and guilt concerning your abuse, you can begin to embrace what God has already said: you are acceptable (Hebrews 10:14.)

Unit 6 Lesson 1, Letting Go of Shame and Guilt

2009-11-18T14:06:00.005-06:00

It's been a while since I blogged a lesson. I have an hour or so before my son wakes up from his nap, so here goes...

Focal passage for this week: "There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Romans 8:1

Memorize it, friends... You are not condemned or guilty. In Christ, there is freedom from the shame you carry! The shame and guilt that are not even yours in the first place!!

Every victim of sexual abuse needs to recover from the shame and the guilt that result from the experience. Shame is the feeling of humiliating disgrace of having been violated. Shame tells you that you are bad. Guilt is the feeling that you did something wrong. You may carry a false sense of guilt caused by the burden of knowing some great offense was committed and the belief that you must be responsible. In the process of recovery, victims must let go of the shame and recognize that both the responsibility and the guilt belong to the person who committed the offense.

Cathy described in a counseling session how ashamed she felt about her body. "It feels dirty. It is dirty! As soon as my Dad would get through with me, I would immediately take a shower, but I could still smell him, and I knew I had done something wrong. I felt bad. I felt guilty, as if someone were watching. I felt evil.

"Believe it or not, my pastor knew something wasn't right with me and my Dad. He turned us in. I mean, turned my Dad in. It stopped, but now it's ten years later and I still feel so much shame. I think I'll be okay and I'll get dressed up and ready to go out. Then suddenly a picture will flash in my mind of his sweaty body on top of mine, and I'll lose it. I'm totally devastated. I feel dirty and evil all over again. Sometimes I think that if I wouldn't have these flashbacks, I wouldn't feel so guilty. The truth is sometimes I feel ashamed for no reason. I feel guilty for just existing."

In your journal, describe the difference between guilt and shame.

Shame is about personhood. It is related to lie #2 in unit 3 - I must be a terrible person for him/her to do this to me! Guilt is about behavior. It is related to lie #1 in unit 3 - It is my fault! Remember John 8:32, "You will know the truth and the truth will set you free." You are not a terrible person and the abuse was not your fault. THE ABUSE IS NOT A REFLECTION ON YOU. IT IS A REFLECTION ON THE ABUSER.

Shame invades both the mind and the body.

First let's look at shame as it appears in the lives of victims. This very painful emotion invades both the mind and body of the victim. It is planted in guilt, nourished by memories and watered by secrecy. "I know you tell me," Cathy continues, "that now that I no longer keep everything inside, I will get better. But it's been a secret for so long, I'm afraid to tell! Listen to me. (She was starting to whisper.) I'll try to tell you everything I can remember, I promise... but not today." Later Cathy does go on to tell her story, again and then again. First she discloses it in individual sessions and then in a sexual abuse support group. For Cathy, and for every victim of sexual abuse, telling the story is one of the most important and necessary events in achieving recovery.

Just like Cathy, you may begin to talk in a whisper as you speak about your experience of abuse. Choosing to tell someone about your abuse is perhaps the most difficult challenge of the entire recovery process. Many of you have been threatened emotionally and physically that you are never to tell a word about what has happened.

Many victims have been shamed into believing that if they tell, terrible things would happen to them or to someone close to them, perhaps their mother or sister. They had to hear such things as, "Everyone will know this is your fault," "Everyone will be mad at you," or "Mother will leave if she finds out." The threatening statements that some survivors have been led to believe go on and on.

Compare your feeling about talking about your abuse with Cathy's feeling. Complete the sentence: "When I talk about it, I..."

whisper
talk faster
hug a pillow
close my eyes
curl up in a ball
other??

What were you told would happen if you shared your story? If you don't remember, describe how you feel about not remembering. What did you think would happen?

In my experience... My parents divorced 3 1/2 years after I told my mother of the abuse. She never believed me, but divorced my father because my "allegations" had destroyed the family. She took me to see a gynecologist when I was 11. The doctor confirmed a stretched hymen, but not a broken one (which would indicate intercourse, which had never happened). The doctor was unable to say for certain that I'd been sexually abused. Someone recommended counseling for me (I don't know who, but I was under the impression that it was court mandated). So I went for counseling at the county mental health office every week for the next year. After their divorce, my parents continued dating and my sister and I went to visit him often. I protested to my mother, but she insisted that I go on visits with him "to protect my sister". She still did not acknowledge that the abuse actually happened. She also told me that if I made any further "accusations" of abuse or told anyone about the unsupervised visits with my father, that the state would take me away and send me into foster care where I might be treated much worse. So, I went to counseling that year, and every year thereafter, and never once told of the ongoing abuse. I felt threatened into silence. Scared. Abandoned. Rejected. Helpless.

Back to the study guide... Talking about the abuse is difficult for all survivors. It may be more difficult for some than for others. Each survivor remembers as much as he or she needs to at each point along the recovery journey. Let God put each memory in its place and in its proper time. Remember to let yourself be "where you are". Seek to accept yourself as a person in process. You are growing and changing. Give yourself time. Comparing yourself in a negative way to others will hinder your recovery.

Assignment for the lesson:

Write your own paraphrase of Romans 8:1. What does this verse mean to you?

Why does God allow bad things to happen?

2009-10-20T15:26:00.003-05:00

Reader's email:
I just read your post about Tamar. I have always wondered why God allowed that to happen.

My response:
Many people wonder why God allows bad things to happen... I believe that it's not so much that He allows bad things to happen, but that He allows all people the freedom to choose what they're going to do with their lives. His desire more than anything is for us to love Him, and second to love one another. But it must be a choice, otherwise we're all just robots that He controls. With the ability to choose to love Him (and others), we have the ability to reject Him (and others). It is through the human's rejection that others are so frequently hurt.

My parents chose to reject God... and me. As a child, I prayed earnestly that God would make my parents stop abusing me. But MAKING them stop would have been controlling. He is not a God who wants to control us. He wants us to love him so deeply that we choose to obey and respect Him. If my parents had made that decision, they never would have laid an evil hand on me.

It is true that not one person who lived in my home cared about my safety and well-being. In fact, no one in my extended family cared either. However, God placed many loving and trustworthy people in my life over the years. While my parents sinned against Him and against me, the Lord still provided for my needs. And, time and again, I see the amazing glory that He brings from the abuse I endured. I absolutely do not believe that it was God's will for me to be abused (or for Tamar to be raped), but I know that He can bring some serious beauty from ashes.

I believe with all my heart that God wanted for my parents to love Him and to love me. I believe the bottom line is that God does not force His will onto us (my parents, Tamar's brother, etc.). I believe that His will was absolutely to answer each of my prayers but He allows us free will in order that we will choose to love Him. Choosing to love him is what leads to truly loving one another.

"To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the Lord has planted for his own glory." Isaiah 61:3

Unit 5 Lesson 5, A Biblical Example

2009-09-03T15:04:00.001-05:00

God speaks the truth even when it is ugly. The Bible records examples of sexual abuse and family dysfunction. Amnon, one of King David's sons, sexually abused his half-sister Tamar. He pretended to be ill to lure Tamar into his room: "He took hold of her and said to her, 'Come, lie with me, my sister.' But she answered him, "Don't, my brother. Don't force me. Such a thing should not be done in Israel! Don't do this wicked thing.' ... But he refused to listen to her, and since he was stronger than she, he raped her." (2 Samuel 13:11-14)

Tamar reported the incident to one of her other brothers, Absalom. Here was Absalom's response: "Be quiet now, my sister; he is your brother. Don't take this thing to heart." And Tamar lived in her brother Absalom's house, a desolate woman." 2 Samuel 13:20

It seems that the pattern was no different for a dysfunctional family in biblical times than for a family in the present. The problem for victims is also the same - when they remain silent, the become desolate. Discussing your abuse does not mean getting up in church or another public place and announcing to everyone that you have been sexually abused. It does mean that you need to tell your story in a safe, supportive environment.

Sometimes recognizing a safe place to tell your story can be very difficult. Take some time to write in your journal about the image or description of a safe, supportive environment for you.

You might have described a place where you can talk, cry, never run out of tissue and never be judged... You deserve a place of rest, peace and relationships to cushion the harsh reality of abuse.

When Samuel said that Tamar remained in her brother's house and was desolate, he was saying she was forlorn and lonely, without friends or hope. Abuse so often leaves the victim without deep friendships and without hope. Often the victim is forced into isolation, feeling friendless and in great despair.

Do you identify with Tamar? If you have felt isolated and in despair, describe your feelings in your journal.

Read the entire story of Tamar in 2 Samuel 13:1-20 in your Bible. (If you do not have a Bible, you can look the scripture up on www.biblegateway.com.) After you have read the entire story, respond to the following learning activities based on the characters in the story.

What kind of attitude about himself and human sexuality do you see reflected in Amnon's frustration over the situation with Tamar? Note all that apply:

He was self-centered, only interested in what he could do to her.
He considered Tamar as an object, not as a person.
He was angry because he was used to getting his way.
His idea of sexuality had nothing to do with emotional intimacy or genuine love.
Other

You could have chosen any or all of the responses. Next Amnon followed the evil advice of his friend Jonadab. Amnon planned and prepared to rape Tamar. He pretended to be ill and asked David, who was his father and his half-sister Tamar's father, to send Tamar to care for him.

Read the following scripture:

So Amnon lay down and pretended to be ill. When the king came to see him, Amnon said to him, "I would like my sister Tamar to come and make some special bread in my sight, so I may eat from her hand." David sent word to Tamar at the palace: "Go to the house of your brother Amnon and prepare some food for him." 2 Samuel 13:6-7

Not only did Amnon plan to rape Tamar, his father unknowingly but directly contributed to the rape. How do you think Tamar might have felt towards her father as a result?

Betrayed, "He set me up for this."
Angry, "This is his fault!"
Frightened, "I don't dare tell my father what happened."
Bewildered, "What can I do?"
Other

Journal about your feelings about David in the story.

Remember that Tamar was not objectively reading these words on paper. She was experiencing the hurt and shame of sexual abuse. Whether or not Davide understood the consequences of his actions, the fact is that he contributed to her sexual abuse, and he did nothing to correct the situation after the rape. Tamar certainly could have felt all of the feelings above and more.

Next notice in verse 15 that after the rape Amnon hated Tamar. He increased the violation by blaming her and sending her away. Still worse he called a servant - thereby assuring that others would blame her - and he had Tamar thrown out of the house.

Remember that you are not responsible for any part of the behavior of a person who abused you. Do not use this activity to excuse or to blame but simply to understand. Describe why you think Amnon suddenly hated Tamar.

We cannot know another person's thoughts or motivations but one explanation seems probable. Amnon knew that what he had done was wrong. Rather than accept responsibility for himself, he shifted the blame to Tamar.

Have you experienced someone treating you like Amnon treated Tamar - first sexually abusing you and then blaming you for the abuse. If yes, describe how it felt to be blamed.

The next injury for Tamar resulted after the rape. She went to her brother Absalom. Absalom's response was typical of many family members of sexual abuse victims. The messages that Absalom sent to his sister were: "Keep the secret. Don't let anybody know about the family trouble. Don't shame the family by talking about this."

"Be quiet now, my sister; he is your brother. Don't take this thing to heart." 2 Samuel 13:20

Write what you would like to say to Tamar instead of the dysfunctional message she received from her family.

As survivors of sexual abuse ourselves, we would all like to tell her that she was not to blame and that she needed and deserved to talk about her feelings with safe people.

Spend a few minutes in prayer. If you can, thank God for providing a safe place for you to openly share your experiences. Thank Him for recording the story of Tamar in scripture so that you would know that you are not alone in the betrayal of sexual abuse Honestly share your feelings with God. He will not respond as many people do. He will not say, "Don't take it to heart." God will listen and will patiently walk with you toward healing.

Working through these family issues is painful and will probably continue to be so for a while. If you feel desolate, betrayed and alone, reach out to someone who can help you. Find a support group in your area, stay plugged in to this blog, and/or meet with a counselor - even when it seems more difficult to work toward healing than to stay away. You need the support, and God wants you to overcome this tragedy in your life. God intends for you to walk in joy and peace, free from guilt and condemnation.

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Next week we will begin Unit 6 Lesson 1, Letting Go of Shame and Guilt. I continue to pray daily for each and every one of you. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your recovery. Many blessings to you. Enjoy the long holiday weekend!

A gift?

2009-09-01T02:21:00.007-05:00

This post is about something I have struggled a great deal with since Friday. Realistically, I know that this is not that big of a deal and that what I am experiencing is very common for people from all walks of life, but I have found shame and failure in it. Primarily because I took a firm stand (with hands on my hips and an angry red face) years ago that I would be nothing like my mother (whom I believe suffers from mental illness and unresolved issues).

So... I saw a doctor last Friday for tightening of the chest, difficulty breathing and dizziness. I've had these "episodes" a few times a month for the last couple of years, but they've always subsided after 30 seconds or so. I was never concerned about them... But in the last couple of weeks they have come much more regularly and an episode on Friday lasted for 15 minutes. To rule out anything serious, I went straight to the doctor. After a perfect EKG and chest x-ray, the doctor gently delivered the news that it's possible that I'm suffering from panic attacks. "They can run in families" she says.

I was immediately brought to a place of shame and failure when I heard those words. I managed to remain stoic in her office, but I was crumbling inside. I've been on a mission for good mental health since I was a child!

It was so confusing too. I can honestly say that I could not be happier and there isn't anything going on that I am worried, anxious or stressed about. Why these panic attacks? The doctor explained that they can come from nowhere and be for no apparent reason; that people who are not depressed or stressed can get them. This news makes me feel out of control, and I do not like that feeling one bit.

I don't really know what to make of it all. If you'd have asked me a month ago, I could have given you a list of a few major things that were on my mind - school starting, my three year old possibly having cancer, having two of my friends lose a child, adjusting to my husband's new work schedule... But I wasn't having increased "episodes" when all that was going on. That would at least make some sense!

So, when I got home from the doctor's office I read about Panic Attacks on the Mayo Clinic website. There I read that people who were sexually abused have a higher tendency to suffer from panic attacks. I was furious to read that they could be linked to the abuse I suffered as a child. How could he take this away from me too? It made me angry to think that, after all the progress I've made in my recovery, these panic attacks could have something to do with the abuse. (But, possibly not - I don't think we'll ever know.)

As I have processed this over the last several days, my anxiety over the whole thing has decreased a great deal. I understand that, if these are indeed panic attacks, it doesn't mean that I will spiral out of control. It doesn't mean I'm going to start making a decisions that devastate the lives of everyone around me. I am not a ticking time bomb.

And even as I sit here and type, I am wondering about something I read on another blog. JMom writes about the bags God packs for us... She says that "Some things bring groans and others bring grins... but all are gifts from a loving Father." Is this a gift? I really like that idea... I'm a silver-lining kind of girl (after I get past the shock and horror), so I'm wondering right now how this could be a gift. Off the top of my head - maybe being humbled by my plan not "succeeding" (perfect, unfailing, always-on-the-top-of-my-game mental status) will grow my understanding and compassion for people with mental illness. Maybe it will grow my compassion for my own mother and bring another layer of healing. The possibilities are endless, as He is God and I'm just me...

'"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the LORD.' Isaiah 55:8

Rather than stay all bent out of shape over the situation, I am choosing to embrace this idea of it being a "gift from our Loving Father". I wonder how He'll use it.

Long time no talk (to Mom)

2009-06-29T16:32:00.008-05:00

When I looked at the date of my last post, I about fell over. I wish I could blog here every day or so, but time is just not in my favor right now. My husband is still working very long days, at least six days a week, and the kids are out of school and keeping me running. I look forward to a slower pace and a return to a more desirable "normal"... and a return to this blog and my friends here!

I was talking with my oldest son the other day about his favorite family activities that stand out in his memory. So many of the things he spouted off were things I never experienced myself as a child. I am so very happy that my children have so much more than I did, but there's still that slight pang of sadness over my lost childhood. As I thought about that for a few minutes, I began to wonder when I'd last spoken with my mother. It was before my birthday, before Mother's Day, before my wedding anniversary (I don't even think she knows when that is)... Honestly, I think it was Christmas. And that was a terrible discussion; the call ended badly. As it sunk in that I haven't spoken with my mother in six months, I began to feel sad and even a little guilty for "not trying hard enough".

I'm sharing this with you because I know this is an all-too-common experience for those of us who are estranged from abusive family members. It is natural - God-designed - that we would desire relationships with our families. What is not natural - not God-designed - is for family members to abuse children and for those children to grow up having to protect themselves from the very people who are supposed to love and protect them.

I do not imagine that I will ever "get over" the estrangement from my family. I will always miss the idea of them. I even miss them to a certain degree. However, one thing that I am NOT is guilty! That is Satan trying to lure me into something that is not true. I am not guilty. I am the innocent survivor of sexual abuse who has been left with no choice but to distance myself and my family to ensure our physical and emotional safety. It is sad that I only talk to my mother by phone a few times a year, and possibly see her once or twice a year. It is sad that as my children get older, they have more questions and put more of the pieces together. They are beginning to realize that my mother is not a safe person for us to be around. Part of me wants to shield my mother from this realization, but that is not my job. My job is, in fact, to do just the opposite. My job is to shield my children from dangerous situations, and that requires informing them that being alone with my mother could be dangerous. This absolutely was not God's design; rather it was my parents' decisions that led us here. As I tread these waters, I lean on Him to lead the way. As each question pops out of my children's mouths, God provides the words for me to answer them. As I mourn the loss of my earthly mother, I am deeply touched and grateful for the perfect and unending love of my Heavenly Father. I praise God for the salvation and restoration found only in Him.

Unit 5 Lesson 4, Believing the Truth

2009-04-29T14:46:00.002-05:00

As you recover you may be surprised to find that some family members may also pursue recovery from their former behavior patterns. If this happens, you may for the first time be able to establish functional and loving relationships with them.

Even so, you need to allow God to become your closest family. You don't have to give up your biological family, but you need to place God at the center of your life. He is the one who will never let you down or abuse you. You an allow God to replace your feelings of unworthiness with His truth about your worthiness. Your hopelessness can be replaced with hope in Christ and your profound feelings of inadequacy with the adequacy found in Him.

Search for Significance explains four common false beliefs created and maintained in part by dysfunctional families. The victim of sexual abuse is almost certain to hold as truths these false beliefs. These false beliefs will create guilt, a false sense of responsibility, low self-worth, and a host of other issues for the victim.

One of these beliefs is: I must meet certain standards in order to feel good about myself. Whatever standards you have set are in part based on the messages you heard as you were growing up. The false belief blocks you from realizing that you already are fully pleasing to God. No matter how intense, perfect or successful you become, meeting falsely motivated standards will not bring you the peace you desire. The fact that you were sexually abused does not have to keep you from feeling good about yourself.

In your journal, describe at least one standard you have held that may be blocking your journey to recovery. As yourself, "What do I think I must do to be a good person?"

Jacque thought that she could never let anyone know she felt inadequate or afraid. Regardless of her accomplishments she never felt adequate because something always remained that she didn't know or understand. Her ability to admit she needed help blocked her recovery.

I must have others' approval is another of the false messages families transmit. This belief will lead you to become consumed with pleasing others at any cost. As a result, the fear of rejection or disapproval can overwhelm you. Even if others disapprove because you have chosen to talk about the abuse, you can feel good about yourself. You do not have to have their approval.

Have you ever experienced or feared the disapproval of friends or family members becuase of how you are choosing to recover?

If so, how are you reacting to them? Do you need to let go of the need to have their approval? What is their approval costing you?

Your recovery may require that you suffer the disapproval of some significant others. Some people will not understnad that you need to tell your secret so that you can heal.

The third negative message is: Because I have failed, I am unworthy and deserve to be punished. If someone else doesn't punish us, we will punish ourselves. This sense of unworthiness must be recognized for what it is - false shame and guilt.

Do you continue to hold to any feeling that you are unworthy, or deserve to be punished because of your abuse? If so, describe your feelings.

You may already have overcome this roadblock to recofvery. Romans 8:1-2 speaks powerfully to those of us who struggle with the feeling that we are unworthy and deserve to be punished.

"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Jesus Christ the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death." Romans 8:1-2

As you read this scripture, journal the prhrases that you nee dot believe and accept about yourself.

Take a few minutes to pray; asking God to help you let go of the feeling of unworthiness. Write your prayer in your journal. Ask Him to help you believe that you will be free of this feeling of condemnation.

The last of the four false beliefs is: I am what I am; I cannot change; I am hopeless. The family in darkness places the victim in an environment that teaches helplessness.

Every survivor at times feels hopeless. How did you learn hopelessness from your family?

What gives you hope now?

Hope comes from many places. A support group, family and friends, a counselor - all of these can provide the hope that you need. Re-read what you have written in your journal so far... What have you learned and where have you grown? The greatest source of hope is God who sacrificed Himself for you and promised that he would never leave you.

To recap, the four false messages are:

1. I must meet certain standards in order to feel good about myself.
2. I must have others' approval to feel good about myself.
3. Because I have failed, I am unworthy and deserve to be punished.
4. I am what I am; I cannot change; I am hopeless.

Describe in your jounal all the ways that these false messages have blocked your recovery in the past.

Recovery on your own:

Sometimes we must realize that our families will not join us in the recovery process. We may have to recover on our won with the help of a support system that we create.

Jean is the oldest of six children, very anxious, and an alcoholic. Her father started sexually abusing her when she was very young. By the time she was 10, they were having intercourse. She consistently made protests to her mother, bu ther mother only replied, "What can I do?" Jean's mother was jealous of her daughter and her husband. As Jean began to recognize her mother's jealously, she used it against both parents. By age 16, she couldn't stand the situation any longer, ran away, and never returned.

Jean's mother still resents her. She really doesn't try to have a relationship with Jean's father, with Jean, or with Jean's daughter. Jean's father, on the other hand, wants everything to be okay. He wants Jean to forget the past. Jean is working through recovery. Although it would be extremely helpful if her family would also enter recovery, Jean is beginning to realize that her dysfunctional mother and father are unwilling to do the same. She is accepting the fact that she must continue in recovery on her own. She can no longer look to them to change so that she will feel better.

If your family chooses not to pursue recovery from dysfunctional behavior, how does that affect your recovery?

If you family chooses not to pursue recovery - and many make that choice - you will need to find ways to seek support and strength from significant other people. You may need to establish emotional, psychological, and maybe even physical boundaries to protect yourself if your family is abusive.

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I have found that dealing with family matters is generally pretty complicated. Our love for them, and desire to be loved by them, is natural. That is how God designed us. In my own life, I occasionally struggle with sadness and grief over the lost familial relationships. I also second guess myself sometimes; thinking, "Have I just not been merciful enough? Do I need to try one more time to establish a relationship?"

This lesson speaks into my life a great deal. I do not need their approval. I do not need their permission to talk about the abuse and to heal from it. It would be ideal if the entire family would seek recovery, but it is not required in order for ME to seek recovery.

My seeking recovery and advocating for victims of abuse, has come at a high price. Because of my decision to no longer live in fear, pain and isolation, I am estranged from pretty much my entire family. I have no paternal side, so the decision to risk losing my maternal side as well was a very difficult one. If I could have healthy relationships with them, I'd take them in a heart beat! But, as long as what is being offered is unhealthy and unsafe, I choose to keep my distance and break this cycle of dysfunction for myself, my husband and our children. This was not God's design at all - for families to be broken - but God's design cannot be lived out in situations of gross darkness. I would rather live in His righteousness and peace. After all, God truly is my Father; the family from which I will never be separated.

"I can do all things through Him who strengthens me."
Philippians 4:13

"A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families, he leads forth the prisoners with singing; but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land."

Psalm 68:5-6

Long time no talk...

2009-04-20T16:46:00.003-05:00

I only have a few minutes before rushing off to the next activity, but I wanted to let you know that I think of you, this blog and this much needed ministry several times everyday. I wish that things were not so hectic and unpredictable for my family (rendering me unavailable to write as often as I'd like), but that is the season we are in right now. My husband is working more hours than we have ever worked before and I have picked up the responsibilities around the home and with the kids. We are very busy with sports, school, church, etc... We are so very grateful for God's provision in terms of my husband's job. At a time when many people are losing their jobs, my husband is staying very busy and getting paid for every minute of it. But we miss "normal" life and look forward to being able to get back to a slower pace, more time together and more time to serve the ministry that we love.

I continue to pray for you. As you wait (patiently, I hope) for the next blog entry, I encourage you to re-read some of the older lessons and allow God to continue growing you in those areas. I will write as often as possible. I so look forward to picking up where we left off!

Many blessings to you.

Unit 5 Lesson 3, Dysfunctional Family Part 3

2009-04-06T20:12:00.004-05:00

In this lesson you will examine more characteristics of a dysfunctional family. The purpose is not to assign blame or even to determine if your family was dysfunctional. The purpose is to understand how your past affects your recovery.

4. A dysfunctional family does not teach effective living skills to the children.

A healthy family provides an environment that allows children to grow according to their own developmental needs. Children then learn to love themselves and others and to trust that the world can be a friendly place. A child needs a fairly consistent and stable environment.

An example of the dysfunctional family is one that never stays the same. Some victims of sexual abuse report living in more than one family, perhaps first with mother and father and next with grandmother and grandfather. Cindy shares that in her childhood she attended 19 different schools, including five during her high school years.

"I lived with my mother, my grandmother, my mother and stepfathers, my sister's father, and with several other family systems. Each on presented different issues that I had to work through as a part of my recovery. I had to deal with emotional abuse, chaos, and the aftermath of my sexual abuse, all of which made me think that I was profoundly inadequate as a person, since I was unable to alter or control what was happening. The lesson I learned from all of this was that I could do nothing about my life. No matter what I tried to change, it didn't work. No matter what I did to bring order, chaos always resulted. I could not make sense out of chaos.

I carried the outside shame of moving so many times an the inside shame of sexual abuse. When I left for school in the morning, I didn't know if things would be the same when I got home. I trusted no one because if outsiders knew my story, my pain would be worse. I not only acted toward others as if I didn't care, I began to shut down so I wouldn't care. I would say to myself, "Only breathing matters, and I am breathing." But, of course, breathing is not all there is to living. Also, several of the people in my care were alcoholics, which added to my confusion and lowered my self-worth."

Each family system teaches us something very deep about ourselves, and that message is not always positive. The sexual abuse and the chaos in Cindy's family taught her that she was profoundly inadequate. But she also experienced positive learning. Her mother said again and again, "Don't do as I have done, I've done it all wrong. You can do it better."

Cindy says, "She taught me that I was smart, that I could do it. She taught me that a better way existed. She didn't know that better way, but she taught me that if I searched diligently enough, I could find that better way of living. She was right. I found it with God."

Appropriate touch: a living skill

Building a healthy self-image in a recovering sexual abuse victim requires daily reinforcement in terms that demonstrate that person's value. We all need positive statements and healthy physical contact. God created us to give and receive healthy physical love, such as hugging, holding hands, and kissing. Unfortunately sometimes in a dysfunctional family the only touches we may have experienced were bad touches. The result is extremely confusing.

If you wanted to be held but the only time you received physical attention was during abuse, you may have felt guilty. This is a double tragedy. However, you can begin to understand that you were not wrong for having basic human needs. God intended for you to have these needs met in a healthy manner.

In your journal, answer these questions...

What role did touch play in your family of origin?

Describe how you react when you are touched by someone now?

Touch has to do with personal power and control. If you were touched when you didn't want to be and not touched when you did, you may have a difficult time accepting touch. You may not even know what is appropriate or inappropriate touch. Survivors are often re-victimized because they are not aware that they can say no to touch.

5. A dysfunctional family squeezes the members into rigid, inappropriate roles.

Children in dysfunctional families develop survival roles. These role are either assigned by the family or unconsciously chosen by the child.

Some examples of survival roles include:

Scapegoat - usually blamed for the family problems
Hero - works hard to bring respect to the family name
Surrogate spouse - often takes the place of the emotionally absent spouse and becomes the child counselor for a troubled adult parent
Lost child - never gets in the way or causes trouble because this family already has enough problems
Surrogate parent - takes over responsibility of parenting tasks
Clown - avoids the pain by being the center of attention

In the list above, note any of the roles that would describe your behavior in your family. Your role may have changed over the years as the family changed.

What effect did your role(s) in the family have upon how you coped with sexual abuse?

Can you identify roles that other played? What was the effect of their role on your feelings and behavior?

How do you feel after identifying your family role/roles? (Sad, lonely, ashamed, angry, afraid, guilty, other?)

M.J. describes how her sister was assigned the role of surrogate mother. "All my life I would remember how my sister and I were best friends, how she was always there for me. I would remember how she cooked for me. She dressed me in the mornings for school. She loved me." M.J.'s sister was in the role of parental child.

Sometimes in situations like M.J.'s, the child develops a fantasy bond with the sibling that is the surrogate parent. "I couldn't understand why, now that we are adults, my sister has never come to see me. I was always the one who went to her house. I always called her on the phone.

It took me a long time, but I finally realized that it was all make-believe. This 'bonding' was a way I had learned to cope in my loneliness as a child. My mother had made my sister take care of me. I realize now that she didn't even want to. As my sister and I sat on the porch holding hands, I would fantasize that she loved me. This love, this relationship, was only in my mind; it never really existed. The reason she never called now was because she didn't want to. She never came to my house because she didn't want to."

You may need to seek God's wisdom to become aware of fantasy bonding. We urge you to do so, for this knowledge can set you on the path to have real relationships with these relatives. Even if they are not what you thought or even what you wanted, they will be authentic relationships that you can understand and predict. Your efforts may even lead to loving and intimate relationships, if your relatives are willing to consider honestly all the factors affecting your former situation.

Describe in detail any fantasy bonding you may have with family members.

Sometimes survivors of sexual abuse have difficulty letting go of the feeling of responsibility for the abuse. They cling to a fantasy bond to the abuser or another family member who could have protected them.

Have you continued to accept responsibility rather than face the truth that your bond to one or more family member is a fantasy? Describe your experience.

As you process what you have just read, continue to keep in mind what is written in Isaiah 54:4 "You will forget the shame of your youth." Recovery is hard work, but I promise you that replacing the shame is exactly what God can and will do in your life.

As you grieve the fractured relationships in your life, know that "the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:18. That is such a life-giving verse for me.

I continue to pray for each of you daily.

Unit 5 Lesson 2, Dysfunctional Family Part 2

2009-03-24T23:08:00.007-05:00

In this lesson we will study more characteristics of a dysfunctional family. As you better understand your family, you will better understand yourself and your reactions.

3. A dysfunctional family has either repressed emotions, explosive emotions, or both.

A healthy family both permits and models how to express emotions. Children learn how to identify and deal with their feelings. In a dysfunctional family certain or all emotions are forbidden. Many families transmit messages that say, "Don't express your feelings. Don't cry. Don't get upset. Don't get angry. Don't betray the family. Don't ever tell outsiders about the family secrets." These messages, as well as ones more directly stated toward you, affect your recovery. You may have been told that you are a failure, or shamed by any number of derogatory statements - all of these are characteristic of a family based in shame. You will be invited to focus on the issue of shame in detail in a later chapter. For the moment, however, evaluate how you learned to feel shame about your feelings and responses in your family.

As a child, did you learn any of these beliefs? Write which ones apply to your family... Good children honor their parents. My parents had their faults, but they loved me. If I say or think bad things about my family, I will betray them. If I say or think bad things about my family, will feel ashamed.

The first two beliefs are positive and healthy. The last two are sick rules that serve tomaintain the secrecy in a dysfunctional family system.

Describe how these beliefs affect your life and your recovery.

Survivors of sexual abuse are sometimes unable to express the feelings necessary for recovery because they learned in their family of origin that feelings were not acceptable. This is especially true if the feelings are negative and if the feelings concern a family member.

Each family member sends us messages about ourselves. The person who sexually abuses says, "You're worthless. You are no good and you are guilty." Sometimes parents send the same message, not by sexual abuse but by their words and attitudes. Maybe a sister told you that you were stupid. Possibly you had a grandfather who said you were special - a badly needed positive reinforcement. You can evaluate the messages that each person who supported and each person who abused gave you. Then you can make wise, godly and informed choices. You can choose to reject false messages!

How do you feel when you talk about the abuse? Scared, disloyal, relief, shame, guilt, other??

How have you responded to or compensated for the way your family expressed feelings?

Bill was taught that good children honor their parents. He did not understand that one way to honor a relationship is to make it real by being honest when situations are painful and difficult. As a result, he was afraid to talk about his abuse. Negative thoughts were bad things in his family so he felt guilty and shame-filled for having normal thoughts and emotions.

As you think about that, how would you like to respond now?

As you process this lesson, continue to pray for yourself and the others who are going through this study with us.

"You will forget the shame of your youth." - Isaiah 54:4

Unit 5 Lesson 1, The Dysfunctional Family Part 1

2009-03-23T12:21:00.008-05:00

In all the groups I've led and every woman I've counseled, I have found that every family plays a huge role in one's recovery from sexual abuse. Even if you would not classify your family as "dysfunctional", please do not discount this lesson... Please read it carefully and ask God to clearly show you how your family has impacted your recovery in the past, how they are impacting you today and any changes you may need to make going forward. If you are a family member, please read this with a prayerful spirit, asking the Lord to reveal to you any missteps you've made, to give you the courage and humility to seek forgiveness from the survivor in your life (if necessary), and to show you the next right steps in order for you to lovingly offer support and encouragement as they continue their journey towards recovery. It can be very difficult for a survivor to talk to their family members about how they feel about them, so it is my hope and prayer that this lesson will help family members to understand what is running through the mind and heart of the survivor in their life.

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Family issues have a tremendous affect on recovery from sexual abuse. In some families, parents or family members may be abusers, while others parents or family members are unaware that the abuse has occurred. In other families the abuse may occur outside the boundaries of the family system. The family may or may not know about the abuse, or may not realize that something has happened to the victim. Whatever your case, with God's help you can understand the role you family played in your sexual abuse and the role they can play in your recovery.

If the father abused an incest victim, the victim must also deal with anger toward the mother. A child molested by an uncle may feel unprotected by both parents. A victim of rape may feel she cannot disclose that fact to her family if the family is emotionally shut down and incapable of giving support. In families where the child is abused by a babysitter, the child, as we would expect, has been told to obey the sitter. Often this victim has a great deal of anger toward both parents; the child believes the parents must know what is happening and therefore they must approve of it.

Many reasons contribute to a family's inability to cope with sexual abuse. No families are perfect and most families lack the tools necessary to weather the storm that sexual abuse creates. How well they survivor the trauma will depend on how well the family has learned ways of functioning as a family. In recent years, counselors have identified the common characteristics of a dysfunctional family. A knowledge of these characteristics helps us to understand sexual abuse and to recover from it.

Dysfunctional family: A family in which some behavior such as alcoholism, drug abuse, divorce, an absent father or mother, excessive anger, or verbal or physical abuse interferes with the ability of the family to do its job effectively.

In most families where sexual abuse occurs, the family clearly is dysfunctional. But this does not mean that all dysfunctional families are sexually abusive. The term dysfunctional is used to express the inability of family members to meet the God-given needs for nurture. These families are unable to communicate their feelings, both positive and negative, in a consistent and caring way. They are unable to respond to the needs of each family member.

Think about your family. In your journal, list all the primary members of the family. What does each individual represent to you? For example, who in your family represents comfort, expectations, abuse, peace, rescuing, neglect, betrayal, etc.? After writing what each individual represents to you, write down your feelings toward each person.

Characteristics of a Dysfunctional Family:

Needy family members receive an inappropriate proportion of the family's time, attention, and energy so that members learn to be overly-responsible toward needy people and irresponsible about themselves.
A dysfunctional family promotes denial and secrecy.
A dysfunctional family has either repressed emotions, explosive emotions or both.
A dysfunctional family does not teach effective living skills to the children. Children do not learn to touch, feel or trust. They learn to expect rigidity and emotional or physical abandonment.
A dysfunctional family squeezes the members into rigid, inappropriate roles.

As you think about these characteristics, we will begin discussing each one individually. You are encouraged to think about how each one relates to you and your sexual abuse experience.

1. Needy family members receive an inappropriate proportion of the family's time, attention and energy.

An emotionally needy family member may be one who is addicted to alcohol or drugs, or one who demonstrates other obsessive-compulsive behaviors. The energy and attention of the family is directed toward caring for the emotional needs of this family member. As a result, all of the family members become emotionally needy.

Families with addictive family members have an increased potential for sexual abuse. In a family where the focal person is an alcoholic, the unspoken rule in the family may be "Make Dad happy, then maybe he won't get drunk." In a family where there is a rage-aholic, the rule may be "Whatever you do, don't make Mom mad." In a dysfunctional family the family members operate according to these spoken and unspoken rules and not according to personal need.

Can you identify a member of your family who was emotionally needy? What affect did living in the family with this person have on you?

Did a relationship exist between this family member and the way your family dealt with the abuse? If so, describe that relationship.

2. A dysfunctional family promotes denial and secrecy

Gretchen describes many bizarre incidents of abuse by her babysitter. Sometimes she had to watch the sitter and her boyfriend have sex. Sometimes the babysitter would fondle Gretchen or would stick straws, pencils and other objects into her vagina or anus. She would tell Gretchen that she was bad and that she was ugly. Gretchen tried many times to tell her mom and dad about the abuse, but they were so busy with their own problems that they didn't seem to care or even pay attention to her. They scolded her for making a fuss about nothing.

Finally, Gretchen screamed and yelled the whole gruesome story. Both parents were shocked. They couldn't believe it. Gretchen had been very irritable, but they never dreamed what was happening while they were gone.

Although Gretchen's parents were supportive of her in general, the abuse had come at a very troubled time for the family. Once aware, however, the parents brought Gretchen to counseling and participated in family counseling as well as individual counseling. In counseling, Gretchen expressed her appropriate anger toward her parents. The parents accepted the responsibility for their seeming lack of interest, selection of the babysitter, and failure to recognize Gretchen's attempts to communicate.

Conflict is a normal part of healthy family living. Healthy families expect problems and have healthy ways of coping with them. Family members talk about issues even though someone may feel embarrassed or hurt. Family members take responsibility for their own behavior. Problems can be discussed and solutions found. In a dysfunctional family the "don't talk" rule keeps the victim of sexual abuse bound in silence, even if the crime is committed by a complete stranger.

Write in your journal about how you family solved problems when you were a child.

Families solve problems in many ways. Healthy families recognize that they have choices. If one method doesn't work, they try another. Unhealthy families often use the same dysfunctional methods over and over. Maybe your family refused to recognize problems. Often the rule is "don't rock the boat." Other dysfunctional families overreact to things so strongly that everyone is afraid to mention a problem or issue.

What effect has you family's method of responding to problems had on your abuse recovery?

Some dysfunctional families look perfectly normal on the surface. The father and mother do most of the things that parents should do. They keep and orderly house, a nice yard, food on the table and clothes in the closets. However, the family may still be dysfunctional because the parents are not emotionally present for their children.

Consider the example of Beatrice, a volunteer for a local rape crisis center. She became a victim herself. She was raped at knife point. The rape occurred one morning when Beatrice, after having breakfast with friends, returned to her apartment. Hearing a knock on her door, she peeked out and saw a man she knew, although not very well. She asked what he wanted. "I need to talk to someone," he said. One rule most crisis center teach is never to open the door under such circumstances. Unfortunately, Beatrice did open the door and was raped. Then she decided she didn't want to press charges.

When asked why she, of all people, didn't press charges, she replied that her parents told her it was her fault for opening the door and if she were to follow through on the charges, it would be an embarrassment for the family. She said it was just like when she tried to tell them about her grandfather. Her body was covered with bruises from the beating he gave her. All her parents could say was, "He didn't mean what he did," and, "What did you do to cause it?"

More of Cindy's story

Cindy shares that even when she was a very young child, she felt she could tell absolutely no one what was happening to her.

"Everyone around me seemed to have so many problems that I knew it would be useless to tell. Besides, I loved my perpetrator. When he would come home from work, I would run out to meet him. Caught in this impossible situation, I chose to keep the abuse to myself and hide from others. I never played with children in the neighborhood. To stay away from everyone seemed the safest choice. Trying to figure out if the people around me were "good" kept me too confused.

"I also remember always feeling sad, dirty, and completely alone. People frightened me. Once I lived in a place where th emothers in the neighborhood tried to be friendly and talk to me. I would run from them, wondering, "What do the want from me?" One in particular would leave me cookies, showing me from a distance that they were at her door, then going back inside her house. When I was sure she wasn't coming back outside, I would run as fast as I could to get them. I was so afraid and anxious, it seemed like miles down her walkway."

A dysfunctional family keeps the secret of sexual abuse. Other family members may or may not actually know about the abuse but everyone is aware that something is wrong. The family members work together to keep secret the fact that something is wrong, especially from non-family members. Those who are allowed access to the home are screened carefully. The family acts as though all is well and the visitor only sees the performance.

Was your family open to the outside world? Were you free to talk about your family to others?

How does this characteristic relate to your sexual abuse experience?

Many survivors keep their abuse a secret to protect the family from having to deal with the fact that the abuse is occurring. Sometimes they keep the secret because the victim fears that someone will get hurt physically or emotionally or that the family will not survive. The victim will endure the pain of the abuse rather than risk losing the family.

How and what did you do to protect the family?

The focal passage for this unit is from Isaiah 54:4, "Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth."

As I close for today, I want to encourage you to cling to that scripture. What has happened to you is not your fault. You are not to blame. You did nothing to be ashamed of. You are not a disgrace. God is ready, willing and able to rescue you from this mess. Allow Him to do just that.

I am praying for you constantly.

Abandonment

2009-03-12T16:55:00.003-05:00

As I was surfing around the Women of Faith website today, I stumbled across a letter someone had written about the conference they'd recently attended. Here's part of her letter: "Marilyn Meberg gave a wonderful talk that gave me chills. She talked about abandonment and that we were created to be connected. There is a disconnect when one is abandoned; a feeling of shame - “Wasn’t I good enough, why did ___ leave me?” She noted that those who have been severely abandoned, especially in childhood, have a need to control others. And an intense need to never talk about that which they are most ashamed of - that something must be wrong with them to cause the other person to abandon them, they must not be worth keeping. The strange thing is, it is only through recognizing those hidden hurts and working through the hurts that one can heal. A couple good verses that pertain to the subject were: Isaiah 41:9 and John 1:12-13."

"I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said, 'You are my servant'; I have chosen you and have not rejected you." Isaiah 41:9

"Yet to all who received him, to those who believed in his name, He gave the right to become children of God— children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband's will, but born of God." John 1:12-13

As I read this, I thought of you and your recovery journey. I hope and pray everyday that you are encouraged to continue seeking Him and the wholeness that only He can provide.

Unit 4 Lesson 5, Help from Psalm 23

2009-03-11T12:59:00.004-05:00

Another Hebrew word for restore is found in Psalm 23. This is perhaps the most familiar passage in all of Scripture to Christians and non-Christians alike. The Hebrew word for restore in verse three is used in a verb form that means "to cause someone or something to return and to restore someone or something to a former condition." This Scripture can be a powerful part of your restoration. God desires to cause you to return and to restore to you those things that sexual abuse has taken away.

Psalm 23

^"1 The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

² He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,

³ he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

⁴ Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death, ^a]">[a]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

⁵ You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.

⁶ Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever."

As you think about this scripture, take time to journal about how the Shepherd has ministered to you.

God does restore the soul, mind, feelings and emotions. Often survivors can't relate to God, and especially God the Father, during the early part of their recovery. Psalm 23 can help you to start a new relationship with God. The Shepherd will restore your heart, mind, and soul in spite of the scars that remain. Under Christ's lordship, even the scars can help you to become more compassionate, understanding, and resilient from having successfully survived such abuse.

Take a break right now and pray. Talk to God about how you feel about Him as Father. Share your feelings with Him about Psalm 23 - even if those feelings do not seem acceptable. Ask Him to lead you to restoration and healing.

More about restoration

The Hebrew word for restore found in Joel 2:25 means literally, "to make whole." God promised He would make the people in Joel's day whole after a devastating loss. He is still in the restoring business today. He can restore to you those things that betrayal has taken away. God will restore the time you have lost by making the time you have now more meaningful. Most survivors have had part or all of their childhood stolen. Often when victims survey the past, they cannot see anything that is good.

No human could give back what was taken from you. Only God can do that. If every person who abused you came and asked you for forgiveness, none could give you back the loss that you have experienced. You may feel better, but only God can give a life with meaning and purpose. He can make a beautiful mosaic of the broken pieces of your life.

In the book of Job, Job suffered devastating losses. He lost his wealth, his health, and he suffered the deaths of his children. At the end of the story, God restored Job. Job received far more than he possessed in the beginning. He regained his health, greater weather than before, he even had more children. But Job did not gain his dead children. Satan had caused their deaths, and they were not restored to Job - at least not then.

God can restore you in the same way that He restored Job. You can feel clean again. The love and grace of God can cleanse and replace the feelings of shame and filthiness, and the stain of abuse. Allow God to touch those areas where you need restoration. Life will not return to exactly the way things were before the abuse, but God can give you a life with meaning and purpose. You may even come to the place that you see that God has given you more than the abuse took away.

Does understanding God's process for restoration bring hope into your life? Take some time to journal about that.

I have written several different blog entries about the way God continues to heal and restore my life. Twenty-two years into recovery and I continue to be overwhelmed by his awesome power and concern for me! The authors of our workbook could not be more right when they say that the abusers can apologize and seek our forgiveness, but they cannot restore what they stole from us. Only God can do that. I was quite content to merely have a good amount of peace and happiness in my life, but apparently God was not satisfied with stopping there. He continues to surprise me by healing even the tiniest broken pieces of my life. Nothing gets by God and I'm thoroughly convinced that He will never stop his mighty work of healing me. It is overwhelming and totally humbling... Why does He care so much about every little detail? I believe the answer is because He loves his children.

Unit 4 Lesson 4, From Death to Life

2009-03-04T13:34:00.007-06:00

Survivors of sexual abuse suffer a mental and emotional death as a result of the abuse. God created you to live in a wholeness of body and soul. Sexual abuse severely damages that ability. Your first need is to have your mind and emotions restored to life and health.

Now that you have started your restoration from sexual abuse, you can understand the biblical pattern of restoration. One of the Hebrew words for restoration means "to live" or to "be restored to life". Restoration from the abuse means to live, perhaps for the first time in your life!

In 2 Kings chapter 4, a Shunamite woman befriended the prophet Elisha, and she and her husband built a room for the prophet of God in their home. Elisha, wanting to do something to thank the woman, prayed that she would conceive a son. The Shunamite woman gave birth to a son the following year. Later in chapter 4, the son (a grown man) died, but God restored him to life. This story vividly demonstrates the principle of restoration. God gives life and even when circumstances cause death, God can restore life. Only God can do this!

God will restore

Sexual abuse causes its own kind of death. Your next step is to begin to risk and to believe that God will restore the life that has been stolen from you. The Shunamite woman appeared again in 2 Kings chapter 8... She had lost all her land holdings due to a famine. She appealed to the king, who had just learned from Elisha's servant that this is the woman whose son had been restored to life. The king then appointed an officer whom he commanded, "Restore all that was hers and all the produce of the field from the day that she left the land even until now" (2 Kings 8:6).

Through the king, God restored what the Shunamite woman had lost. Our caring God is in the restoration business! As you continue to pray, learn, and grow, God can restore you to a life of meaning, purpose and joy. Begin your appeal to the King, Jesus Christ, and allow Him to restore your life.

In your journal, list your dreams and desires that have died because of sexual abuse.

You might have written something along the lines of, "a sense of innocence, the ability to trust again, spontaneity"...

When I did this exercise a year ago, I wrote: "To have a close-knit family. For my kids to have loving relatives. To be able to trust family." As I think about those answers today, I realize that those are actually things I have to contribute to in order to realize them. My "close-knit family/loving relatives" consist of my in-laws (which I chose when I chose my husband) and our friends... And "to be able to trust family" goes back to my choices again -- have I chosen trustworthy people? In order to have these things restored to me, I had to make wise choices and I had to be willing to take a risk on them. I have done both of these things -- and I am overwhelmed by the way these dreams and desires have come true.

One thing that I did not write down as a lost dream or desire a year ago, but today recognize as one is.... I always wanted to be "acceptable" and "well-liked". I certainly wasn't around my house, so I assumed that I wasn't anywhere else either. In the last several months, God has really shown me that that is not true at all! As I have shared before, I have been reconnected with long-lost friends from my childhood and teen years... The memories they are sharing with me are completely repairing the image I have of myself from those days. I am still amazed at how this is even possible - but God is using these old friends to show me that I was never unacceptable or outcast by them.

Do you think the Shunamite woman ever asked "Why me?" or, "If only things could have been different"? Describe any thoughts like these that you may have had, including the circumstances when they occurred.

Your responses may indicate that you are beginning to let yourself feel some grief and loss about the consequences of the abuse. That is good recovery work! Keep it up.

In your journal write your feelings about the losses you have suffered due to sexual abuse.

Isaiah 42:16, "I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them."

God can be trusted, my friends. I continue to pray for you daily.

A renewed youth

2009-02-25T19:47:00.004-06:00

I am in the process of putting my life's story into a book and in the last few days, I have been feeling like I need to write as fast as humanly possible... The reason? My memories are changing.

Social networking sites like Facebook and My Space are all the rage. Many of my friends are out there and they talk about it all the time. I was tempted, but I knew there were two reasons I did not want to go there. #1 - A part of me was afraid that no one from my past would even remember me and I'd feel rejected. But I know the truth - I know that I was never invisible and that my memories of the past were horribly clouded by my pained perspective. #2 - In the past I struggled with an overwhelming desire to reject people I was in relationship with before they could reject me. Deep down, when considering these social networking sites, I would think, "But, if I reconnect with an old boyfriend, will that tempt me to ditch my husband if I'm mad at him?" The honest truth is that I can never say that would never happen, but my husband and I take careful measures to ensure that our relationship is what it should be. The bottom line - I was choosing not to participate in this social networking stuff out of fear. As I thought about it, I decided that I wanted to make a conscious decision this time to overcome my fears.

God has honored that... I was blessed right away with renewed relationships with several people from my early childhood and teen years. Some I haven't seen in over twenty years. They have said the nicest things to me and have shared some of the most pleasant memories with me. I had forgotten so much of what they remembered. As I talk with them, they are reconstructing my past - giving me a fresh and pure perspective of innocence, joy, and youth. Those gaps in time that I do not remember at all are being filled now with bike races, days at the pool, slumber parties, birthday parties, Girl Scouts, crushes, camp and homemade pizza. As I discussed this with my friend today, I'd expressed my excitement over getting to finally experience this stuff. It was then that she said, "I'll bet you experienced it then too but just had too much going on at home to keep the fun memories fresh in your mind." I know that she is right. I did experience fun things as a child, but the pain of the abuse quickly diminished the good stuff. But the opposite is happening today... I am remembering all the good stuff and the bad memories are diminishing. It is a crazy, wonderful, amazing thing.

This is the third time I have gone through Shelter From the Storm in the last year. When I started leading groups a year ago I had a pretty good handle on things. However, I do not think I would be discovering this much profound healing if it wasn't for the study and the continued recovery efforts that I am making everyday. I want to encourage you to keep taking your journey into recovery. It is amazing the way God has been faithful to his word; "Who redeems your life from the pit; Who crowns you with lovingkindness and compassion; Who satisfies your years with good things, So that your youth is renewed like the eagle." Psalm 103:4-5

I feel an urgency to write this book quickly. I fear that the youth I want to write about will be all but forgotten before I know it. But my story needs to be shared. I want to share it in its entirety so that other survivors will know that they are not alone. God has laid it on my heart to write it, so I know He will allow the memories, feelings and emotions to be real long enough for me to accomplish His work. But it is coming quickly.. a completely renewed youth.

Unit 4 Lesson 3, The Trouble with Denial

2009-02-24T12:14:00.009-06:00

I've mentioned before that it took me a long time to realize the effects that sexual abuse has had on my life. I went to see counselors into my early 20's, but I insisted that the issue I was in for that day was just an issue, not an effect of something from the past. "He hit me because he's a jerk. But I keep coming back to the relationship because he is nicer to me than my parents are." It did not occur to me that I kept coming back to the relationship because the abuse I'd suffered as a child had left me with absolutely no self-worth. When my ex-husband and I started seeing a marriage counselor, I did not agree that my responses to my ex-husband had anything at all to do with what my parents had done to me. I merely had a problem with my ex-husband. "I am fine!" was what I said... and what I believed.

The problem is --- my relationship problems in my teens, early 20's and my first marriage had everything to do with how I'd responded to and coped with my childhood abuse. Without addressing those issues, I could not fix the mistakes I was making that brought on many doomed relationships and ruined others that actually had promise.

The Hebrew word used most often in the Bible for deny means, in its strictest sense, "to lie". If we apply that meaning, when victims deny the effects that sexual abuse has had on their life, they are LYING to themselves. Many sexual abuse victims will say they don't want to dig up the past... Or they might even quote Paul's statement from Philippians 3:13, "But for one thing I do; forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead..." This is a great verse, but it does not mean that we should deny our problems. In fact, Paul spoke more about his past than any other person in the Bible. In the earlier part of this same chapter of Philippians, Paul draws an effective comparison between his past and what he later gained as a true servant of God.

In an individual counseling session, a woman shared about the difficulties she was having in her sexual relationship with her husband. "It can't be my sexual abuse. Before we married, I loved having sex. We had it all the time. It's that I don't love him anymore. I really hate sex. In fact, that's how I know I don't love him anymore. No, I haven't thought about the sexual abuse. It doesn't affect me now. I got over that a long time ago."

Have you ever said anything like that, "It doesn't bother me anymore. I got over that a long time ago."?

In your journal, describe several ways that you have protected yourself through the use of denial.

The truth is, we cannot put ourselves, God or anyone else in a box and close the lid. It is possible that some people exist who have experienced very little problems after having been sexually abused, but those people are likely few and far between.

There is one primary reason for denial - most victims detach themselves from their feelings. Victims of violent rape and incest tend to shut off their emotions to survive the trauma. This is comparable to people who have suffered the shock of physical trauma but report that they didn't feel any pain. The body and mind have protective overload devices to be used in crisis. They are, however, intended for temporary use only. The longer they remain in place, the more damage they do.

Here is a poem that an incest survivor wrote about denial. As you read, make note of the denial she shows. How does her denial compare to yours?

I know I one was young, but I don't remember much
About my childhood times with toys, and dolls and such.

I remember Dad was angry, Mom was nervous and low keyed -
OUR family was quite healthy... that is, all of them, but me.

I got a lot of whippings, but they weren't all that bad.
I'm sure that I deserved them when I made my parents mad.

When mom was really tired, I would babysit -
I didn't mind at all - it was my job to help her out a bit.

I remember how she loved to go to bed and read -
And Dad would keep me up, in case there's something he would need.

Their patience would wear thin 'cause they had so much to do.
So I tried to keep things easy.... that was my job, I knew.

I remember when my Dad found his way into my bed -
I didn't like what happened.... but I couldn't tell, he said.

Confused, hurt and scared. I must have made him mad -
The whippings kept on coming... but... I guess they weren't that bad.

I don't remember much throughout my childhood years -
So often when I try... my eyes well up with tears.

I wish that I'd been better, when I was a little child...
Then instead of anger, my parents could have smiled.

The memories that I have seem to make me sad -
But... I was just a child... and I guess they're not that bad.

Throughout the entire poem the girl/woman was taking responsibility for her parents' behaviors. Then she denies her own pain in the refrain, "and I guess they're not that bad." How do you compare?

Dissociation is different than denial

A more complicated form of not remembering comes from dissociation. Victims sometimes store fragments in bits and pieces in order to protect themselves from the overwhelming experience produced by the compete recall of shattering events. A significant aspect of healing is to recall gradually the fragments and make appropriate connections. It is like putting a puzzle together. If this is your experience you can be free from the domination of unwanted feelings and behaviors caused by dissociated memories. You cannot simply decide to remember, because the process is mostly unconscious. However, in a safe environment, such as a support group or with a counselor, and with the direction of God, you can gradually put together the fragmented memories of reality. Once you know where the feelings and behaviors come from, you can work through the traumatic memories and deal directly with the hurt, anger, grief, helplessness and any other emotions.

It's time to heal

For most survivors it is impossible to just get over the effects of sexual abuse. Everything doesn't just go away because the abuse happened a long time ago. Your tendency to deny the effects of the abuse in your life affects not only you but also your spouse, children, friends, etc.

A favorite scripture of mine is John 10:10. "The thief (Satan) comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I (Jesus) have come that they may have life and have it to the full." A very effective way of killing an destroying an individual is through sexual abuse. If you take the responsibility that belongs to the person who committed the abuse, you will be consumed with shame, anger, and destruction that are not yours to suffer. If you believe God has betrayed you, you will not seek Him. If you stay in denial, the enemy will have stolen the deepest peace and blessings that God has for you. They enemy will have stolen self-love and self-respect. Don't let that happen.

If you are the victim of sexual abuse, the time has come for you to give responsibility to the perpetrator, accept your betrayal, come out of denial, and begin the process of dealing with very painful memories. The process of healing has many ups and downs, and proceeds at varying rates. If you were to remember all past events at once, then you might be overwhelmed, but to begin is important. If memories and feelings become too hurtful or tend to promote destructive behavior, seek professional help.

A final caution

Be careful not to use denial as a way to avoid the truth. Yes, Christians are supposed to forgive our enemies. Yes, God intends for us to be victorious. But forgiveness and victory do not arrive instantly. Wounds must be treated and they take time to heal. Healing from the effects of sexual abuse does not occur until the survivor begins to face the truth. Please do not deny the facts any longer or hide in false responsibility. Allow God to take you beyond betrayal to hope, peace and healing.

Unit 4 lesson 2, I've Been Betrayed!

2009-02-21T13:04:00.004-06:00

Webster's defines betray as "to lead astray, to seduce by false promise, to desert in time of need."

There is no question that a victim of sexual abuse is led astray by the effects of the abuse. And, for many, seduction is a part of the victimization. And most importantly, a victim is deserted in their time of need. A child in need of a healthy relationship with a parent is abandoned in the world of incest. The youth in need of spiritual guidance is betrayed by her minister when the relationship becomes sexual...

In your journal, describe your feelings toward those people who betrayed you.

As I read back over my answer from last year, what stood out to me was, "I feel like an orphan. My parents betrayed me. My birth father abandoned me as a baby. My adopted father sexually abused me and my mother knew about it and chose to look the other way. No one cared about me or did anything to help me - an innocent child! Because of their decisions to harm me and my decision to no longer accept it, I am left without a family. And the things they did turned me into a different person!" The abandonment and desertion in my life is glaringly obvious... It was harder for me to see just how much I'd been led astray. It took a long time for me to accept that the things they'd done (these people whom I so desperately wanted to love me) had completely changed me. Their actions changed how I thought of myself and the world... how I acted, what I believe in, what I valued, what I sought after, etc. Their betrayal had impacted my life in profound and devastating ways.

What about God?

At some point, most victims wonder where God was during the abuse. "Why didn't he stop it? Why did he allow it? Why didn't he help me? Why didn't he kill my abuser? He wasn't there for me then and I don't feel him now."

Consider these biblical teachings that relate to sexual abuse -

God considers sexual abuse to serious that in the Old Testament the penalty for sexual abuse was death. Leviticus 18 clearly sets forth the rules God intended for humankind's behavior. Sex with a child, with a blood relative, or rape all carried the death sentence.
God has granted the freedom of choice to people. They can choose right or wrong. Psalm 115:16 tells us that "the heavens are the heavens of the Lord; but the earth He has given to the sons of men."

God is all about relationships. Above all else, He wants us to love Him. Then we are to love our neighbor as ourselves. In order for us to truly love though, we have to have the freedom to choose. And with this freedom to choose love, comes the freedom to choose evil... He gave us free will to love Him or reject Him. If he forced us always to do the right thing, there would be no true love - we would merely be robots who automatically act a certain way.

God did not cause the abuse. He refuses to treat us the way those who commit sexual abuse treat their victims - by imposing their will on their victims. God does not force people to do what He wants them to do!
Horrible suffering occurs on this planet because people use their free will to do terrible things to each other. God's unfailing promise in this setting, however, is to bring us through all abuses or problems triumphantly as we commit our lives to Him.

God also promises to bring justice to perpetrators. All people are accountable for the choices that they make on this earth. God gave us a manual that told us how to relate to others. This manual is the Bible. Every victim's path has been crossed by someone who chose a path opposite to God's direct instructions. You were betrayed, but you were not betrayed by God.

The Hebrew word for betray means "to cause to fall" or "to deceive, in order to betray". God does not deceive humankind, and no word int he Bible suggests that God betrays people. The Bible is given to instruct us, lead us, and cause us to rise up and be blessed. Abuse is not a blessing, nor is it a way for God to "teach us a lesson". It is a betrayal by people. God is the One who redeems and restores.

How are you feeling toward God regarding your abuse? Angry, betrayed, confused, alone, other.

Are you willing to allow God to lead you to recovery?

Can you identify any barriers, especially beliefs or ideas, that keep you from reaching out to God for help in your recovery? (You are welcome to share these in the comments or in a private email to me if you'd like.)

Everyone struggles with questions about God, but at some point, we must understand that "He is our help." (Psalm 115:9-11) We live in a fallen world that will always have affliction, but God promises that He will never forsake us or leave us. God will rescue us.

Psalm 27:10 says "When my mother and my father forsake me, then the Lord will take me up." What does that verse mean to you? Take some time to tell God...

Unit 4 Lesson 1, Out of the Darkenss into the Light

2009-02-20T13:33:00.006-06:00

This week's goal... You will be challenged to confront the issues of responsibility, betrayal and denial and to give yourself permission and time to heal. You will be encouraged to allow God to lead you to restoration.

This week's memory verse is Isaiah 42:16, "I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them."

Before we get started, I want to spend a minute reflecting on that scripture. God will turn the darkness into light - He will turn the light on so we can clearly see. He will shed His pure, righteous truth on the dark evil that happened in our lives. He will make the rough places smooth - he will comfort us on the rough road to recovery, making healing and restoration possible. He will heal the rough places in our past, making us new and whole again. He will not forsake us - He will be with us every step of the way.

****************************

I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE.

Responsibility, betrayal and denial are issues that all victims of sexual abuse must face. Regardless of our age, we tend to be confused from the very first incident. We immediately lose objectivity and normal reasoning abilities. When victims describe their first incident of abuse, they use such statements as, "I don't know what I did to deserve this"; or "if I hadn't done this or that, this wouldn't have happened"; or I was so confused".

Too often, rape victims take responsibility (at least in part) for the rape. It is true that we can make bad decisions that put us in unsafe situations - drinking, using drugs, riding with strangers, or even opening our front door to a stranger. But making unwise decisions does not remove responsibility from the perpetrator.

Survivors must understand that they were victims of a crime, regardless of any decision that may have put them in harms way. Webster's New Collegiate Dictionary defines victim as "one who is injured, destroyed or sacrificed under any of various conditions," including rage, desire or ambition. Victims of sexual abuse are injured mentally and physically. We were sacrificed for the pleasure of our perpetrators. A crime was committed against us.

As you think about this, write down the person(s) who are responsible for the abuse you endured. How and why are they responsible?
What feelings do you experience when you think of yourself as a victim of another person's sexual sin? Anger, grief, resentment, relief, fear, sadness, pain, other...

But what if the victim benefits?

It is not unusual for an abuser to give gifts or rewards to his/her victim. I can remember my father slipping me $20 every now and then when I headed to our neighborhood pool. He would tell me not to tell my siblings... The money was because I was "extra special". A snow cone probably cost about a $1 and a candy bar wasn't more than 50 cents back then, so $20 was way more than I needed for a day at the local pool. I can also recall expensive running shoes and an expensive formal gown for a school dance in high school (the shoes were for track - not to go with the gown). We spent way more than normal but, again, I was "special". Other survivors have shared stories of similar gifts, attention, protection from others and compliments. Regardless of whatever benefits you may have received, your abuser is still the person responsible. Did you experience some benefits from the person who abused you?

Repeat the following statements aloud three times. You are encouraged to say the words even if you do not believe them.

No child at any time, under any circumstances, can consent to sexual activity with an adult.
Because of the differences in maturity and power, adults always are responsible for their conduct with children - children cannot be held responsible.
Regardless of the circumstances, no person has the right to force or coerce another person into sexual activity against his or her will.

How do you feel after repeating these statements?

What about others who were around?

Survivors must also give responsibility to any co-perpetrator; that is, any person who knowingly aids or allows the person who commits the abuse to perform an abusive act.

Victims sometimes express their greatest anger toward the parent who enabled the abuse. Often the victim has to deal with the question of whether or not the "other parent" really knows. If the victim is certain that the other parent knows, the child is left wondering why the other parent is letting it happen. The child has learned at an early age that parents are to take care of their children. Understanding the role of the enabler is especially difficult if the mother is the person who aided or allowed the abuse. Mother is usually the person tends to wounds, dresses the children, prepares meals, puts them to bed, etc. So why is she not doing something about what is happening?

All victims need to place an appropriate share of the responsibility on the person who allowed the abuse. Most co-perpetrators are not actively involved in the sexual abuse. They just all seem to have come to the same decision - to ignore or discount what they saw or felt was happening. It is not uncommon, once a family comes into a family counseling session, for the parents to weep over what they suspected but did nothing about.

The main issue here is for victims to recognize that others are responsible for not protecting them. We must assign appropriate responsibility to everyone who could have been accountable, rather than to continue taking responsibility ourselves.

In what ways have you avoided acknowledging the role a co-perpetrator played in your abuse?

Other pieces to the problem

There are other pieces to the problem of responsibility. Given society's attitudes toward women, children, sex and pornography, it is not uncommon for a victim to rationalize what has happened and who is responsible. Whatever may be involved, the person made the choice to abuse! For healing to take place, victims must let go of responsibility for the abuse and acknowledge that responsibility for the abuse belongs to the person who committed the abuse.

Unit 3 Lesson 5, Getting Rid of False Beliefs

2009-02-17T09:35:00.005-06:00

This lesson is a how-to regarding letting go of false beliefs. I am going to defer once again to the workbook - quoting directly.

As strange as it may seem, getting rid of false beliefs is difficult. These beliefs seem normal and natural to you. Your feelings and actions make sense because of them. Some of the false beliefs may seem as true and obvious as the statement that the sky is blue! To declare them as untruths will feel strange and phony. As you learn to take a stand on the truth, you will find freedom from the old negative feelings and actions.

For victims to recover, they need to discover what false beliefs they hold and then rid themselves of them, permanently. Telling Yourself the Truth, a book by William Backus and Marie Chapian, discusses the necessity of telling yourself the "real" truth. If whatever you are thinking about yourself has been distorted by abuse, they emphasize, you must solidly determine not to agree with those thoughts or statement. The real battle is lost if you begin to agree with the negative attitudes caused by the abuse. Naturally, at the start you will have no will to stand up adn say, "Oh, that isn't right! You're not worthless, you are special!" You must therefore develop the skill of standing up and saying that for yourself. You must choose diligently to seek God's help so that you will believe the truth.

Five important steps can help you let go of the false beliefs. You have already used them as you completed the exercises in this unit.

1. Identify the False Belief
As you identify the false beliefs, write them down. Then for each one write a scripturally-based truth statement to counter the false belief.

As found in the Search for Significance -- (FALSE) I must meet certain standards to feel good about myself - results in fear of failure. (TRUTH) I am completely forgiven by and fully pleasing to God. I no longer have to fear failure. (FALSE) I must have the approval of certina others to feel good about myself - results in fear of rejection. (TRUTH) I am totally accepted by God. I no longer have to fear rejection. (FALSE) Those who fail (including myself) are unworthy of love and deserve to be punished - results in guilt. (TRUTH) I am deeply loved by God. I no longer have to fear punishment or punish others. (FALSE) I am what I am. I cannot change. I am hopeless - results in shame. (TRUTH) I have been made brand-new, complete in Christ. I no longer need to experience the pain of shame.

2 - Look for the Root of the False Belief
Identify the underlying factor that is causing you to maintain the false belief. Which of these may have been introduced into your thinking by authority figures in your life - parents, teachers, employers, pastors, spouse, or other adults - or suggested by the abuser or significant others in your life?

3 - Recognize that the False Beliefs Are Lies
Identify the false beliefs and the experiences or influences that gave life to the false belief. Then, with the encouragement of your support people, you can become more objetive in your thinking. Seek to recognize intellectually and to accept emotionally the fact that these false beliefs are lies.

4 - Relinquish Your False Beliefs
Pray. Ask God to help you let go of your false beliefs and help you believe the truth about yourself. Record your actions and progress. Begin to keep a journal or notebook. Write your thoughts, feelings, and prayers in your journal or notebook. Keep your journal in a private place.

5 - Use Scripture as the Source of Truth
Learn to take a stand, even argue against yourself, in order to develop a belief system based on truth and not rooted and grounded in sexual abuse. Learn not to be so harsh and critical of yourself, but rather to love yourself.

Select one false belief that you have held and that has affected your life. In your journal, describe as fully as you can the consequences of that belief.

You may have written something like, "I never join in conversation because I don't believe I have anything worth saying," or "I believe no one will listen to me." Never joining into conversations can lead to loneliness and isolation. As you move toward recovery, you will exerpience less and less of those negative consequences.

This part of your recovery is difficult. You may only now be beginning to discover the full extent of the harm sexual abuse has caused in your life. You may be experiencing feelings that seem more overwhelming than those you experienced at the time of the abuse. You may be starting the process of experiencing those emotions and feelings that you began to hide while your abuse was taking place. Because of the possibility of experiencing overwhelming flashbacks, we strongly urge you to seek professional evaluation and assistance if you have not already done so.

A prayer to keep you going
Dear Lord, Thank you for making me a prized treasure with a special plan for my life. Thank you that you have equipped me with everything I need to achieve the goal that has been set before me. Thank you, Lord, that when I stumble, you life me up; when I try to run away, you come after me; when I am defeated, you cause me to persevere and to triumph. Thank you, Lord, for your perfect love for me.

Unit 3 Lesson 4, The truth will set you free!

2009-02-17T09:14:00.005-06:00

I am going to quote this entire lesson directly from the book. I can't say it any better than the book's authors...

The false beliefs result from experiencing the trauma of sexual abuse. They begin in what happened to you during the abuse, what the abuser said to you about the abuse, and what others said and did at the time of and after the abuse. Other factors, such as the number of abusers involved and the frequency of the abuse all play a role. You need to understand that these false beliefs are learned and therefore can be unlearned. You can begin to correct these beliefs and stop their effects.

You've heard those "good news and bad news" stories. The bad news is this, every time you repeat a false belief you reinforce it. But the good news is that you can choose to repeat a different message. Thank of the negative beliefs as an old coat that has worn out and needs to be replaced, as remnants of an old garment that needs to be discarded. Think of it! You get to pick out a new coat, with a different style and flare. It may not feel like you at first but wear it a while and soon it will fit. You will adjust to it!

The Bible says the way we think in our hearts is the way we are (Provers 23:7). What we tell ourselves becomes our reality. If we believe that we are unworthy and unlovable we will only allow into our minds the information that reinforces that belief. The same is true about the way we think of others.

We can solve this problem by changing what is in our minds! We can change the way we interpret and perceive things. We can identify the source of events and people around us. Then we need to adjust our belief systems to the present by putting off the old patterns of behavior that we learned as a way of coping with the abuse. The false beliefs produce feelings and behaviors that are sabotaging our present, therefore, we must learn to speak and believe the truth about ourselves.

Romans 12:1-2, "Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship. Do on conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his Good, pleasing and perfect will."

Others have taken your body and abused it. God asks us to allow Him to remove the effects of that abuse by allowing Him to renew our minds. He desires to restore us. God waits for us to offer ourselves to Him.

What does offering our "bodies as living sacrifices" imply that we are to do with our minds?

Describe what the passage says will happen as a result of being transformed by the renewing of our minds?

Since the passage says we are to offer our bodies, that suggests that we must choose to do God's will with our minds. When we seek to obey God with our minds and bodies, we will know the truth about ourselves, then we will be transformed. Renewing our mind is a process that involves the following four steps. We must:

Recognize the false belief
Reject the false belief
Speak the truth
Repeat the process until our mind is reprogrammed to believe the truth

Take some time to ask God to continue this process in you. Ask Him to give you the strength to acknowledge the false beliefs, to reject them, and continue to speak the truth until you believe and feel the truth.

Memories during intimacy

2009-02-14T14:28:00.002-06:00

Intimacy isn’t discussed until unit 12, but I received this question via email today. Others of you might have this same question, so I wanted to post it.

Question: I just wondered if you still relive all of the past every time you are feeling intimate. I have found that to be something that I can't escape...I don't feel like I struggle with the situation anymore, just the fact that I can't erase the memories.

My response: I am so sorry that you are dealing with that. It is certainly not the way God intended for marital intimacy.

Having memories or difficulty being intimate is not uncommon for survivors, but it is one reaction that I have been blessed to not have had to deal with very much. There are a few behaviors or word phrases that trigger memories, but not a great deal. When I experience something that triggers a memory, I always tell my husband and he immediately stops whatever it is. Not only does he stop, but he is also compassionate, understanding and even apologetic. While he does not mean to scare or upset me, I always appreciate that he understands and does whatever is needed to comfort me. But I had to TELL him about the feelings in order for him to know.

Here is a story directly out of Shelter From The Storm that might help...

One husband and wife came to the counseling office because the wife did not want to have sexual intercourse with her husband. She was in denial as a result of the abuse, and he was very angry because she refused to have sex with him. To his dismay, the counselor suggested abstinence from sex for a period of time so the wife could begin to deal with the past sexual issues. He agreed only because, as he said, "That's what's happening anyway - so it couldn't be any worse." Fortunately, in spite of his initial reluctance, the husband was able to reach deep inside himself to help his wife. God was able to touch their lives, although inside during the early part of the wife's recovery, she simply was not functioning. This story ended in a great victory for both husband and wife.

She said, "For the first time, sex is good. I never knew or understood the intimacy that God intended for me through sex. How distorted it was for me in the past, but now the most beautiful part is how tenderly my husband sees me. I want to say it is a miracle, but I realize this is really just how God meant it to be."

This husband chose to support, accept and understand. He and his wife certainly had good days and bad days in the process of recovery, but they chose to forgive and try again to continue on their long journey through the storm.

A question that goes along with what you've asked is, "How do I get the memories to go away?" I'm going to take a stab at answering that, but I think it's just about as mysterious as explaining prayer... In my journey, I have discovered that as I've processed my story over and over again, I have addressed different parts of it and experienced healing every time. I am going through the Shelter study for the third time right now, and I am learning new things everyday! Recovery is not a one-time thing, unfortunately. While you may be functioning at a very high and healthy level most of the time, it sounds like more healing needs to take place in order for you to experience the joys that God intended in intimacy. Something that has been key in my life is that my old cruddy memories are being drown out by new good ones. Even good memories from the past!

A good analogy is this visual that one of our church pastor's does... Fill a clear glass half-full with water. When we were born, it was clear - pure, innocent, unadulterated. Then someone did something awful to us that changed us (add dark food coloring to change the water color to a muddied, dirty color). The water’s color represents how we feel now - dark, dirty, damaged, impure, etc. How does the water in our cup ever run clear again? The answer - someone (God, our spouse, children, friends, etc.) needs to pour clear water (love, joy, peace, understanding, forgiveness, acceptance, compassion, concern, protection, provision, etc) into our cup. The new clear water will begin to dilute the dark-colored water... and with enough clear water, the muddied waters are almost completely gone. That is how other people are able to make such an impact on our lives - through what they pour into us.

Another vital piece would be to specifically pray that God would minimize the bad memories and direct your steps so that you can enjoy sex. Ask Him if there are things you can do to help prepare your mind for intimacy. I have one friend that sometimes prays during sex. That might sound a little awkward, but I'd certainly prefer to invite God into the bedroom before my abuser!

Thank you for trusting me with this question. I am here to talk anytime, friend.

If you have experienced this and have anything to add to the conversation, please feel free to comment.

Unit 3 lesson 3, Consequences of False Beliefs

2009-02-13T13:31:00.012-06:00

The false beliefs that we have bought into drive much of our behaviors and attitudes. As I read this lesson for the first time last year, I had one ah-ha moment after another. I learned a great deal about myself and my thought patterns. I hope and pray that you will too.

The false beliefs that we've discussed in lessons 1 and 2 lead to low self-worth, guilt and undeserved responsibility for the abuse. Most often, abuse survivors look to family members to fix the brokenness - especially when our abuser was a family member. Survivors try to resolve the beliefs and feelings through various behaviors such as care-taking, people-pleasing and continued conflict. Any of this sound familiar?

Before I go further with this, I want to focus on how a survivor looks to family members to fix the brokenness. I was stuck in this pattern for a very long time. I longed for my mother to love me. I wanted so badly for her to finally take my side and throw her protective, unconditionally loving arms around me. I wanted to hear the words, "You are right. He abused you and I neglected you and ignored the abuse. I believe you and will do everything in my power now to nurture and protect you. I love you. You are special and so very important to me." I thought that if my mother said those words, that it would change everything. It would make me whole again to know that my mother believed me, cared about me, and loved me as a mother should. As I have talked with other survivors, I've learned that most of us have these deep longings for family relationships. And many of us put ourselves in situations that continue to be hurtful, sometimes even abusive, in hopes that the relationship will one day be loving and healing (only to be hurt more while we wait). As I discussed this with a counselor last year, I commented that it was almost "sick" for survivors to do this to themselves... But the counselor reminded me that WE are not the ones who are sick for having these longings. It is our abusers that are sick. It is our dysfunctional family members who are in the wrong. Our desire to have loving relationships with our families is completely natural and God's design; however, it is sometimes just not possible. God did not design families to be broken, but all too often that is the state of affairs in this world we live in. And the "sins of the father" continue to be paid for by the children.

Low self-esteem

One way to think about self-esteem is to replace the word "esteem" with "respect". So, SELF-RESPECT it is. Think about your life. Do you treat yourself with respect? Do you demand that others respect you? If the answer is "no", you likely suffer from low self-esteem. For me - the lack of self-respect led to a relationship with an abusive boyfriend. I believed I was utterly unlovable and didn't deserve anything better. Other ways that one can disrespect themselves include promiscuity (and other sexual behavior), drug/alcohol abuse, self-harming, etc. Many victims believe that they do not deserve respect. You might feel dirty, used up, or damaged. These feelings prevent you from protecting yourself, and you wind up being abused again and again. Having self-esteem provides the ability to acknowledge both our strengths and weaknesses and to see ourselves as people with value and meaning. Another way I've heard it is "God esteem". To view ourselves as God views us.

Frequently, victims of sexual abuse struggle with body image issues. They look into the mirror and see an image that they hate. For some, they hate a specific part of their body - a part that was frequently abused. As a young child, I hated my femininity. I prayed that God would change me into a boy, and engaged in every boy'ish activity I could find. I wanted desperately to repel my father. I kept thinking, "If I can become enough like a boy, he will lose interest in me." For many, this thinking continues into adulthood. Many dress in too-big clothes, or have even intentionally gained significant amounts of weight to ward off any unwanted attention. The thing that runs through a victim's mind is, "I don't want to have sex, so it must be my body that is sending these signals. I hate me. I hate my body. I hate everybody."

The following is a list of symptoms of low self-esteem. Write down the ones that you experience.

A constant feeling of worthlessness
Persistent thoughts that you didn't do it right
Broad swings in negative and positive attitudes about yourself
Self-doubt
One mistake destroys feelings of accomplishment or success
Negative self-statements
Over-responsible - feeling that everything is always my fault
Under-responsible - being unable to acknowledge that I was wrong
Difficulty making decisions

You may have noted one or two, or the entire list... Consider sharing what these have been like for you in the comments.

We need to realize that low self-esteem is a mindset, not a state of being. Low self-esteem is an attitude about ourselves; therefore, it can be changed! We are not vain, self-centered, or egotistical when we view ourselves as God views us. We can allow Christ to lead us as we change our mind-set from one of inadequacy to one of competency and fulfillment. He can transform our feelings from helplessness and hopelessness to affirmation and determination, from condemnation and self-hatred to self-affirmation and love.

Guilt / Self-blame

If you have an absolutely awful feeling inside yourself that says you somehow caused the abuse, know that you are not alone, but that IT IS NOT TRUE. Frequently, victims will blame themselves for not preventing or stopping the abuse. Adolescents and children who have been sexually abused rarely have the emotional maturity to deal with what is happening to them. Physical and mental maturation is not reached until late teens. When children are violated, however, the normal maturation process is severely damaged.

Can you identify any guilt or self-blame in your life?

Let's talk for a minute about that last statement, "when children are violated, the normal maturation process is severely damaged". I have heard that in some ways a child stops maturing at the age he/she was abused. As I've talked with other survivors, many have noted that a part of them was "stuck". That they still felt like that child - young, vulnerable, unable to stop it, unable to deal with it, having no control, feeling the EXACT same emotions from years ago. Many times we also view our abusers as we did back then - as our parent, our trusted family friend, our teacher... A person whom we fear because of their abusive behavior, but that we also care about and desire to have a completely different relationship with. As we journey through this recovery process, we are becoming less and less stuck and are beginning to see more clearly the reality of our lives. We are beginning to recognize our brokenness and are placing responsibility on the correct person - the abuser. We are maturing, healing, growing...

Shame

In addition to self-blame, survivors experience a deeper feeling that something was terribly wrong with them. If they weren't so messed up, the abuse would never have happened. That feeling is called shame. What child victims of sexual abuse must cope with is incomprehensible. Children lose their rightful identities as loved and valuable human being. They must try to mature in life with a foundation based on confusion and betrayal.

Many factors enter into the healthy development of children. The false beliefs of shame and undeserved blame, established as children grow, devastate their emotional stability as adults. Whether we experienced sexual abuse as children, as adults, or both, we need to let go of the shame and undeserved responsibility.

Have you been shaming yourself? Thinking something along the lines of, "I don't deserve to be happy." or "I'm a freak. I am not worth loving."

Take some time right now to pray about these major consequences of sexual abuse. Tell yourself the truth... If you have low self-esteem - tell yourself, "God loves me and I can love me too." If you feel guilty or are blaming yourself - tell yourself, "Responsibility belongs to the abuser." If you are ashamed - tell yourself, "I am worthy of respect and love."

For me - this lesson was empowering, yet it also grieved me. It laid all my losses out in black and white. I was overwhelmed at the life that someone took away from me and the awful one they gave me to replace it. I had to take some time to look closely at this and deeply grieve all that I'd lost. I realized that it was utterly sad, crushing, heartbreaking... I was less angry and just plain sad that my life is not how it should be. And as sad as I feel about it, I can only imagine how heartbroken God is. From a parent's perspective, I feel that I have a very slight grasp of how He feels. This is not how He designed His children (my parents) to treat their child (me - also His child). So, if God is more grieved than I am (and I firmly believe He is), then I have a lap to crawl up into for comfort. I am not alone - God is with me. Tears are streaming down His face as well.

There is a lovely prayer in the workbook that I would like to close with. It is from the book's authors, Cynthia and James. "God, grant these readers the experience of knowing Your love, Your freedom from undeserved guilt, from self-blame and from shame. May they know that they can love and respect themselves. Help them to believe, to accept, and to feel the truth of Romans 8:1, that there is "now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." In Jesus' name we pray. Amen.

Unit 3 Lesson 2, Lies v. Truths, Part 2

2009-02-11T14:50:00.008-06:00

In lesson one we explored the first two false beliefs that survivors of sexual abuse almost always struggle with. Today we are going to explore the other two.

Lie #3 - I wanted him/her to do this to me.

When some part of the sexual abuse feels good, it is easy to confuse that natural feeling with a desire to have this happen to us. For instance, part of the touching might have physically felt good. Or, you might have enjoyed the closeness of sitting on your abuser's lap or receiving the special attention he/she gave you. Enjoying touch is a natural physical response and the desire to be close to someone is embedded in our hearts. This does not mean you wanted him/her to sexually abuse you! As a matter of normal physiology, many victims of sexual abuse enjoyed a part of the stimulation - that is a normal and healthy reaction to an illegal act!!

As you think about the lie, "I wanted him/her to do this to me because it felt good", write down two truth statements to replace the false belief.

God created the human body for healthy sexual interaction. He created sex for our enjoyment in marriage. You are not a terrible person if your body responded to sexual stimulation. You may have written something like, "the human body naturally responds to stimulation", or "the person who abused me is responsible, I am not", or "a child cannot be responsible for the actions of an adult."

The false belief that you wanted the abuse because of the natural responses of the human body traps your mind and holds it captive. Begin to accept your body as it was created. Let go of the belief that you wanted the abuse.

Lie #4 - It didn't happen. I must have made it up.

We were gifted with the ability to suppress memories. Suppressing those memories enabled us to survive without dealing with what happened in our past. However, when those memories start to surface, the challenge we are faced with is determining what is truth and what is not. The memories may come back as flashes, fragments, snapshots... and they can be unclear. What we remember confuses us, so we have difficulty believing it ourselves. We have even more difficulty believing that others will believe us.

Most victims (about 90%) are violated by someone they know and trust. The victim may make an attempt to tell someone about the abuse, but it is so very difficult since it's someone we know and trust. Often children will assume that their parents know since they have this idea that parents are all-knowing. The child may ask, "Do you know what Daddy is doing to me?" or "Do I have to do everything the babysitter says?" Unfortunately, the adult may not recognize the child's attempt to disclose sexual abuse.

Have you ever thought you might be making it all up or that your situation was "no big deal"? If you have, your thoughts are normal. Take some time to think about this... Describe the things that have caused you to ask yourself, "Is this real? Was I abused? Was what happened to me really abuse?"

Rewrite the false belief, "It didn't happen. I must have made it up." into a truth statement that acknowledges your experience of sexual abuse.

False belief: "It didn't happen. I must have made it up."
Truth statement: _______________________

You may have written something like, "I can only remember parts of the abuse. That's normal and I can accept what I remember as real." or "It happened only once but I know it was real."

Your memories are evidence that something was wrong. Do not let go of what is true, even if others respond with angry feelings or non-supportive attitudes. For you to tell your story is appropriate, especially for you to tell your story to someone who can help. You need to find supportive people who will listen and believe you. You are invited to share your story in the comments here or privately in an email. Share your feelings, especially when it's difficult! Sharing details and identities is not always necessary - focus on your feelings.

John 8:32, "You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free."

TheNewPornAddicts.com

2009-02-10T16:01:00.004-06:00

Do you or have you struggled with an addiction to pornography? Help Crystal write the book DIRTY GIRLS.

Dirty Girls is a book that will discuss the widespread, yet silent battle women are facing with pornography addiction. Surveys are being conducted at TheNewPornAddicts.com for women presently addicted to pornography, for women who have overcome a pornography addiction and for friends, family and accountability partners of women addicted to pornography.

Through analyzing surveys, as well as conducting interviews with those who have been affected by pornography, author Crystal Renaud will use her personal story of redemption and Biblical and practical tools for recovery, to show women they are not alone in their battle and the hope that freedom from a pornography addiction is possible.

More can be found at TheNewPornAddicts.com.

How long does it take?

2009-02-09T17:18:00.014-06:00

I get quite a few emails from people who are following
this blog...  One that I received today expresses what
many of you are likely thinking.  With the writer's
permission, I would like to share it with you.

Email from K: You don't know me, I just wanted to drop
you an email and say hi. I came across your blog when
I was looking for Christian resources on this topic.
I think I am just starting on the road to recovery. A
couple of months in. I've been hoping for a quick fix...
but I'm learning that isn't the way the Lord usually
works. I find your blog very hard to read, but thank you
for writing it. Please keep blogging, there isn't much
stuff like this around in the UK and it's such a comfort
and guide to me. I have a million questions, but I'll
just ask one, how long does it take for the memories
to not affect you so much?

My response: Thank you so much for your email.  I am
always so blessed to hear that the blog is useful and
helping others.  I take a lot of comfort in that
personally -- it reminds me that my childhood was worth
more than merely surviving.  That, because of the things
I went through and the way God is healing me daily, I
have something I can share with others to help them too.
This ministry gives an indescribable purpose to the pain
from my childhood.

I know that reading the blog is hard.  Take your time
getting through it.  It is not about speed reading but
about healing.

I wish there was a simple answer to your question.  I
think that a big part of the answer has to do with how we
choose to respond to the situation.  That might be hard to
understand...  It is human nature to feel sorry for
ourselves, to focus intensely on the anger and rage that
we feel, or to get totally caught up in the unfairness of
the situation.  But when we do that, I think we get caught
up in the emotional wildfire and experience the complete
opposite of peace.  When we're in that place, there is no
chance for the memories to fade because we are so focused
on them.

As we take this journey laid out in the Shelter From
the Storm study, we will process through the memories,
feelings, emotions, coping mechanisms, etc.  But our
purpose here is solution-oriented.  We are not going
through this study just to relive all the garbage.  We
want to understand what has happened to us, recognize how
it has and is effecting our lives, and figure out what we
need to do differently in order to be completely restored.

How long will it take?  I wish I could tell you...
Everyone's process is different.  I didn't start involving
God in my recovery until I was 29 years old.  My first
visit with a counselor was at age 12, so that is 17 years
of of my life that might have been drastically different
if I'd had gone to him first.  And when I did invite God
into this process, my baggage was immediately lighter - but
I was very ready for major life change!  You've heard it
said before, "a person cannot be helped if they don't want
help".  That was true in my case.  I had a lot of big ideas
about how I was just fine, or how I could control things
into a degree of fine, or I could just move far away and
discover a great new life.  But none of my great plans
panned out, so God was the only viable option left for me.
And I was as ready for his healing as I'd ever been for
anything else in my life.  I wanted it and was willing to
do everything He asked me to do to get it - even the
things I didn't want to do.

The first month of the process is very hard.  Defining
sexual abuse, reflecting on our lives in order to determine
the abuses we've suffered, naming our abusers, recognizing
the dysfunction around us, etc. are all very difficult
tasks (and all bring back a lot of old memories, flashbacks,
nightmares, etc).  We are ripping down the veil and coming
face to face with what we've invested precious time and
energy into running away from.  It brings back old memories
and breaks our hearts all over again.  This is one heck of
a hurdle!  But from here, once we know what we're dealing
with, we can begin to rebuild.  The earlier lessons involve
exposing all the darkness, pain, shame and secrets.  The
latter lessons are focused on healing them - overcoming
fears, healing loneliness, being comforted, beginning to
trust again, becoming able to discern trustworthy from
untrustworthy people, learning what forgiveness is and why
we need to do it, confronting those who have hurt us, and
discovering intimacy in relationships.  These are the
skills we were unable to develop as victims of
abuse..  God's plan is for us to have deep and meaningful
relationships and joyful lives.  That is where the hope
lies that we need to hold on to for dear life in order to
get us through this recovery process.

Unit 3 Lesson 1, Lies vs Truth, Part 1

2009-02-08T23:39:00.006-06:00

The goal for this week is to recognize and begin to replace the false beliefs you have about yourself and your abuse.

Sexual abuse almost always leaves a victim with false beliefs about their value and worth. We hold these false beliefs as absolute truths and over time these beliefs create mistaken guilt, destroy self-esteem and assign undeserved responsibility to us.

Survivors who are Christians tend to struggle with applying God's word (what we know to be TRUE) to our daily lives. We want so badly to believe what the Bible tells us, but bringing that truth into our hearts is a fierce battle. The lies we have bought in to are so very difficult to overcome.

Lie #1: It is my fault

Almost every survivor struggles with this misconception. Your abuser might have told you it was your fault. He/she might have told you it was both of your fault. You might say to yourself, "if only I hadn't been there" or "if I hadn't been wearing that", "if I hadn't opened the door", or "if I hadn't been drinking". Often times, rapists will yell horrible accusations at their victims as the rape is in progress. Perhaps you were consenting to some physical contact with your abuser, but said no and he/she didn't listen. You might blame yourself thinking, "It was my fault for kissing him so passionately and letting him touch me. He couldn't control himself. I led him on." Or maybe you feel it is your fault because you didn't "stop" the abuse or you enjoyed how special the attention or "relationship" made you feel.

During and immediately after sexual abuse, when the victim is at such a heightened state of fear and despair, the victim is more psychologically open to these false messages. Adolescents and children have even less ability to comprehend the truth of the situation. But the truth is that a victim is NEVER to blame for the sexual abuse committed against them.

Take some time to identify the self-blaming statements you have made about yourself.

False belief: "It is my fault because...."

One example might be, "It is my fault because I enjoyed the attention he gave me."

After you make your list of false beliefs, go back through the list and make a statement that is the opposite of your false belief. Even if you don't believe it yet, write down the opposite statement.

The truth for our example above would be: "Attention is a healthy human need. It is normal to enjoy attention. I wanted attention - I didn't want sex."

Lie #2: I must be a terrible person for him/her to do this to me

It is natural for children to believe that adults can do no wrong. And they view their parents as almost God-like. So, when an adult does something wrong, the child frequently believes that they must have done something to cause it.

Adults can feel this way too. In many cases, this is because the adult victim admires the offending adult and is confused about the abusive behavior. For instance, a church secretary might blame herself if her married pastor started pursuing an intimate relationship with her. She is wondering, "What did I do to send him this message? It must be my fault. I must be a terrible person."

When we accept lie #1, lie #2 follows easily...

As you think about lie #2, "I must be a terrible person for him/her to do this to me", write two truth statements from your own story to counter the false beliefs.

As I think about lie #2, I can hear my old recording in my head.... "If my own mother doesn't love me, who will? I must be so awful. Utterly unlovable. Worthless. A total reject." But the truth is that God loves me, regardless of how my mother feels about me. The problems are my mother's , not mine. I was an innocent child who did nothing to deserve the things they did to me. And God has never and will never see me as worthless - after all, he sent his only son for ME.

Some other truth statements might be: "The responsibility for the abuse belongs to my abuser", "I am a special person, created by God", "I was vulnerable, but I am worthy of respect and love."

Victims often try to hold on to the positive aspects of relationships with the abusers by viewing themselves as dirty and undeserving of respect. Speak the truth! Allow the shame and guilt to fall on the people who committed the abuse. By doing so you will not be making them guilty, you will be recognizing the truth of their guilt. They are responsible for what was done to you.

Our memory verse for this week is simple, but profound. "You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." John 8:32 Think about that. What does it mean to you right now, as you begin to decipher lies from truth?

In the next lesson we will discuss two other lies - "I wanted him/her to do this to me" and "It didn't happen. I must have made it up." I will be praying that God will shine His light on your story and that you will clearly see and BELIEVE the truth.

How do we deal with conflict?

2009-02-06T18:02:00.007-06:00

I think it's rare for someone to come by conflict resolution easily. It's complicated, as it involves emotions, some pre-wired personality issues, and then all the defense mechanisms we establish over time. So, it is not surprising that conflict resolution is hard, and even harder for someone who has been sexually abused.

Since our defense mechanisms are a big part of the equation, now seems as good a time as any to write about this. The way I would normally do this would be to draw pictures, but since I can't do that right now, please bare with me while I explain my images.

Some people cause conflict all the time, and out of very selfish and ugly desires. In my experience, dealing with these people is difficult, frustrating and usually quite hurtful. James 3:15-16, "For jealousy and selfishness are not God's kind of wisdom. Such things are earthly, un-spiritual, and motivated by the Devil. For wherever there is jealousy and selfish ambition, there you will find disorder and every kind of evil." James 4:1-3 says, "What is causing the quarrels and fights among you? Isn't it the whole army of evil desires at war within you? You want what you don't have, so you scheme and kill to get it. You are jealous for what others have, and you can't possess it, so you fight and quarrel to take it away from them. And yet the reason you don't have what you want is that you don't ask God for it. And even when you do ask, you don't get it because your whole motive is wrong - you want only what will give you pleasure." This kind of thinking and relating to others is not biblical and, frankly, it doesn't even make good common sense! The world definitely has a "what about me" mentality, but I think it's possible to care for your best interests while also treating people kindly. Whatever happened to treating others the way we want to be treated?

When God is at work in one's life, there will be certain noticeable attributes. In Galations 5:22 Paul lists these "fruits of the spirit" as love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Christians experience conflict just like everyone else, but their heart should be such that there is a desire for peace, resolution and restoration where ever possible.

My two pictures images would be like this... When someone is rooted in selfish ambition, jealousy, etc. the result is fighting, hurtful behavior, disorder, and every other kind of evil. When someone is rooted in Christ, love, joy, kindness, self-control, etc. the result will be an attitude of resolution, forgiveness, apologies, and any other kind of peacemaking.

So what do we do when someone is attacking us? It is a natural tendency to want to lash out, attack, defend, and perhaps even wage our own offensive. But what good is that? Doesn't that just perpetuate and escalate the conflict? I have found that what works best for me personally is to leave the conversation - politely say that now is not a good time for me to continue this discussion as nothing good will come of it... Then walk away, hang up the phone, ask the person to leave, etc. When you are removed from the situation, I would suggest journaling and/or praying. Both will provide an outlet for you to express how you feel without fueling the flame or stooping to a level that is not productive. As you are praying, ask God for direction about how to deal with the situation. I would not advise venting to your friends merely for the sake of venting, as this generally produces more anger on your part. Wise and godly friends can certainly be very helpful!

James 4:6, "He gives us more and more strength to stand against such evil desires. As the Scriptures say, 'God sets himself against the proud, but he shows favor to the humble.' So, humble yourselves before God. Resist the Devil, and he will flee from you. Draw close to God, and God will draw close to you. Wash your hands, you sinners; purify your hearts, you hypocrites. Let there be tears for the wrong things you have done. Let there be sorrow and deep grief. Let there be sadness instead of laughter, and gloom instead of joy. When you bow down before the Lord and admit your dependence on him, he will lift you up and give you honor."

Friends, I am here to tell you that this works! It may seem silly or incredulous to pray to a God that cannot be seen, but you will begin to see Him in your LIFE when you put your trust in Him. When I decided to stop fighting with my mother, I told her that I could not be in relationship with her anymore, at least for the time being. She berated me and told me what a selfish, ungrateful, hateful daughter I was. I explained that I was way too angry to see her or talk to her and needed time away and that I would be praying about our relationship. She replied with, "What kind of church would tell you it's okay for a child to cut her mother off?" I merely said that I needed space to heal and hung up the phone. I didn't see her or talk to her for over a year, but I experienced a great deal of healing in that time. I had to be removed from the constant fighting in order to heal. God showed me the things I was doing wrong, helped me to begin forgiving her, and began to soften my heart so that grace and mercy would replace the bitterness, rage and hatred I felt for her for so long. It is still unsafe to be in a close relationship with her (she is still very unpredictable), but I can honestly say that I do care about her, I hurt for the many ways she has been abused and mistreated throughout her life, and I try to honor her by spending time together every now and then.

In terms of day-t0-day conflicts that don't require stepping far back from a relationship, my advice is the same. Take a breather from the conversation if it's escalating into arguing, name calling, insults, etc. Get your feelings out in prayer or on paper, ask God how to proceed. Ask Him to show you your responsibility in the conflict and to reveal to the other party their responsibility. Ask Him to give you the right words as you go back to the person with an attitude of resolution and peace.

What is very challenging is trying to resolve conflict biblically with someone who is only thinking of their desires, selfish ambitions, vengeance, etc. Sometimes all you can do is the right thing - own your mistakes and offenses, seek forgiveness (from God and the person you hurt), make the necessary changes in your behavior (which will probably require changes in your heart), extend your desires to reconcile and then wait for them to do the same. If they choose not to, the relationship cannot be fully restored and now you're faced with the decision of what you can handle in the relationship. All, part or none? It is not selfish or un-christlike to come to the conclusion that you have to pull out of the relationship completely. Forgiveness does not require reconciliation. Sometimes reconciling a relationship is too dangerous - especially when abuse is involved. A verse I absolutely love for this is Romans 12:18, "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." We can only do our part - what "depends on us". This does not mean to turn ourselves inside out to to become what others want (I am all too familiar with that behavior), but to have a heart of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. In doing that, many of our relationships will fall into place, some will fall by the way-side (because the other party only wants trouble and we do not), and we will experience a peace, joy and depth in our relationships that we've never known before.

Unit 2 Lesson 5, Restoration Is Possible

2009-02-05T08:27:00.005-06:00

I've mentioned several times that I've seen a lot of counselors. I think "early intervention" (counseling at age 12) helped to curb some damaging thought pattens. For instance, I have never blamed myself for the abuse, and that is probably the most common thought that survivors have. "I must have done something wrong/it's my fault/I deserved it/I'm bad." Perhaps getting counseling at such a young age helped to steer me away from thinking those things, and I am so grateful that that is one battle I did not have to wage within myself --- learning to accept the exact opposite of that garbage. So, while there were still a lot of awful and harmful things going on at that time (I was still being sexually abused), I was being assured by my counselor that it was not my fault (she did not know about the ongoing abuse). And I believed that.

A counselor I had in high school had a poster hanging on her wall. It said, "I am responsible for my day." At the ripe old age of 15, I was learning that it was up to me to choose whether or not I would let the garbage control my life. At that age, I was making a lot of right decisions and a few wrong decisions. But, just a couple years later, the ratio had flipped. I was making a few right decisions and a lot of wrong decisions. But, I KNEW the wrong decisions I was making. I just didn't feel like I had the power to do things differently.

I continued seeing therapists through my first couple years in college and was honest and forthcoming about what was going on in my life (and my head). I told them the truth and they always told me the truth about the mistakes I was making and the changes that should be made. I always learned the "lesson" of what they were helping me to see, but I didn't always change my behavior in response to the truth I'd just learned. Change takes time.

Then I got married --- "rescued" is what I was hoping for. And I was rescued from daily life with my family. We'd moved across the country and life was no longer abusive; but it became increasingly lonely given all my secrets and acting out. I made an absolute disaster out of my marriage - the most regretful mistakes and poor choices of my life. This man did not deserve the mess I made of his life. When I left him, I was fully aware of how I tore through his life like a tornado. When I left, nothing was as I'd found it. Just like when my abusers left my life - nothing was the same with me. I knew I needed to make major changes, as I never wanted to hurt someone else, or myself, like that ever again.

I was suddenly alert and aware as I never had been before. Shortly after my divorce, I was dating someone special and had made a commitment to myself to not lie or keep secrets from him (now my husband). I worked hard at being intentional with my words and actions. Getting my tantrums and insecurities under control was no easy task, but it was important to me. I was upfront with everything I struggled with (which I had NEVER done before). I trusted him completely.

A year and a half after marrying, we started attending church. Getting involved in different church groups changed me a great deal. Many things were really good.... However, I was still mad as all get-out at my mother and struggled in general anytime I'd think about my birth family. That's when I decided to go back to counseling. She was a Christian counselor at my church. At our first meeting, she gave me two things to do for homework. 1- Read "Dorie, The Girl Nobody Loved" by Dorie VanStone. 2- Read the story of Joseph, Genesis chapters 37-50. While reading the story of Joseph, I was to journal everything in his story that compared to mine. I journaled practically the entire story!!! And I discovered that from the very beginning of time, families have struggled, families have betrayed one another, people have had evil intentions, and those who were abused and mistreated can overcome!

Long story short... Joesph experienced massive betrayal. His brothers tried to kill him, then sold him into slavery. While Joseph was a slave, his master's wife tried to seduce him. When Joseph refused to be seduced, he was falsely accused and thrown into prison. In prison he helped others, but when they got out, they forgot about Joseph. But Joseph did an amazing thing. He kept believing in God. Eventually God delivered Joseph from prison and made him second-in-command over all of Egypt. God made Joseph forget the pain, the anger, the loneliness, and all the other distressing emotions he must have felt.

As I completed this homework, I felt relieved to know that God is familiar with families mistreating one another. You will also find a story about the rape of Tamar in 2 Samuel 13:1-39. What we are dealing with is not new to God. He knows what we've been through, what we're feeling, and exactly what we need to heal. Joseph is the perfect example of overcoming horrible betrayal and going on to be hugely victorious. There is hope for us!

All of this to say... Over time you can be fully restored. With every passing day, I discover more and more good health in my life. But, there was only so much I could do without God. I had corrected a lot of my poor choices and bad behaviors before bringing God into the equation... But, the thoughts and feelings that I held deep in my heart and mind could not be fixed without His lovingkindness, compassion, forgiveness and grace.

Romans 12:2 says, "Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind." As I ponder this verse, I feel it is telling me to not allow the world or my painful experiences in the world to determine how I live, think, act or feel. Like that poster in my therapist's office said all those years ago.... "I am responsible for my day." Will I make the choice to carry the baggage with me every where I go, or will I choose to lay the garbage down and accept a renewing of my mind?

God wants to make us new again. He wants to renew our minds and heal what our abusers have done to us. Sexual abuse is not the will of God. He is not using the sexual abuse to "teach us a lesson". His will has always been to restore to our lives that which was stolen by the abuse.

Just as the effects of abuse become evident without prior awareness of how the abuse was affecting you, God's restoration happens without your awareness of His work. One day, you are surprised by the joy of realizing that you have been changed! You are better.

Unit 2 Lesson 4, Symptoms of Abuse, Part 2

2009-02-03T20:14:00.006-06:00

So, I felt like there was a lot to take in yesterday... This is my 3rd time through this study. I saw counselors regularly from age 12-20, then counseled a little more again around age 30. I still check-in with a counselor a couple times a year, but no longer for things specifically related to sexual abuse. Anyway, my point is... Even with all that counseling under my belt, the specifics of how a person can hurt another makes me sick at my stomach - especially when we're talking about child abuse. So, if you've had a hard time reading the last couple of entries and are having some flashbacks, insomnia, etc. - know that you are not alone. Read the entries at your own pace -- this is not about speed reading, it's about HEALING. And to heal we must go through this painful process of dealing with things...

For the second half of the symptoms:

Perfectionism - Do you want everyone and everything to be in order? Do you have rigid or high standards? Do you expect everyone to meet your standards and become angry or disappointed when they don't? Do you get stressed out when your home/appearance/children/etc. are not "perfect"?
Performance/need for achievement - Are you highly driven to succeed? Do you find that being good is not good enough, you must be the best? Do you feel that you must earn the right to be happy or worthy?
Repeatedly feeling betrayed - Do you feel like everything that goes "wrong" has gone wrong because someone wanted to hurt/offend you on purpose? Do you feel that everyone is against you? Do you feel that if your husband/roommate/children leaves the kitchen a mess that it was some sort of personal attack on you?
Fear - Is your mind full of all the bad things that could go wrong? Do you fear the dark, being alone, being abandoned, getting sick? Are you unable to do certain things because of your fears?
Withdrawal - Do you isolate yourself from others? Do you avoid social situations? Are you nervous and uncomfortable in a crowd, thinking that no one will like you so you should not even be there? Do you make yourself "too busy" so that you can politely turn down invitations and then privately feel sad that "no one likes you" or that "you're not part of the in crowd"?
Anxiety/sense of doom - Do you become anxious for what appears to be no good reason? Do you feel like you can't try anything because you're just sure you'll mess it up? Do you feel like you're just one big mistake?
Repeated victimization - Have you been victimized over and over again? Do you blame yourself, telling yourself that you must be doing something to cause all of this mistreatment?
Seductive behavior - Do you dress to call attention to yourself? Do you enjoy the attention you get from others when you dress sexy? Does it somehow prove that you are attractive?
Anger and depression - Do you go through periods where you have no energy? Do you just want to lie down? Do you want to avoid people and relationships? Do you feel angry when others try to get you to do things with them? Do you just want to go to your room and shut the blinds?
Codependency - In your relationships, are you either being controlled or controlling? Do you impose your expectations on those you are in relationships with? Are you jealous when your friends have other friends? Do you want people to need you? Do you feel important when you are helping your friends? Does that validate you?
Self-destructive behavior - Do you go from one conflict to another with your friends and family? Do you lie, knowing that you will get caught? Do you eat when you're not hungry? Or hurt yourself because you think it's the only way to relieve the emotional torment, and justify the hurting behavior saying that you deserve whatever physical pain comes your way?

Thinking about these symptoms and how they are affecting your life has hopefully given you a powerful start to your recovery. Your feelings and behaviors should be making more sense to you... Identifying the symptoms in your life will help you to set specific goals for recovery.

I can carry on about the many symptoms above that have played out in my life, but it's getting late and I've been feeling a bit under the weather today. Please write in the comments or email me privately if you'd like to "talk" about how these things have or are impacting your life. I'm all ears.

I want to close with this excerpt from the book -

The Overcomer's Hopes

In Christ I can -

live without fear controlling me.
live without being controlled by others.
live without needing to control others.
live without condemnation or condemning others.
live without shame and guilt.
live where I know the difference between what is safe and what is not safe.
live without rage, hate and depression.
live with stable emotions.
live with joy and happiness - even in the midst of trails.
live with peace and love.
live without helplessness.
live understanding my value in Christ.
live where I can be intimate with others.
live where I can trust others who are trustworthy.
live with a deep relationship with God.

****************************************
I made a new blogger friend today. We've been reading each others blogs and something she wrote just reached into the depths of my heart so I had to email her to "chat" a little in private. She sent me a nice note back and then mentioned me in her blog tonight. She called me "an amazing person". And while I am deeply humbled that she would say that, I want you all to know that I am a super ordinary person. I do not have some extra special Leigh-only gift that enabled me to overcome my abusive childhood. I AM JUST LIKE YOU. I was a big mess and fought most of my recovery tooth and nail. The LAST recovery thing I did was to forgive my mom, and there are still days where I have to forgive it all over again. And I have days when I don't want to - when I want to be mad, hold a grudge, get even, etc... I am soooooo very normal, average and ordinary. My recovery has not been made possible by anything I did, but by everything that Jesus did. Well, I guess I did choose to let Him handle things, and I choose to believe all that the Bible tells me about Him and me. But, from where I'm sitting, why wouldn't I? From a purely selfish standpoint, the Bible is the place that tells me that I'm fearfully and wonderfully made, that the Lord is close to the brokenhearted, that the Lord is just and justice will be His, and that He knows the plans he has for me - not to hurt me but to prosper me. So, I'm not amazing - God is. As my pastor recently put it, I hope that you are not impressed with me, but with the JESUS IN ME. A bit cheesy, but so true.

Unit 2 Lesson 3, Symptoms of Abuse, Part 1

2009-02-02T14:30:00.007-06:00

Trust is a difficult issue for survivors of sexual abuse, but I want to encourage you to trust God as much as you can. The Bible tells us that He understands when we cannot. God responds to faith as small as a mustard seed! Don't become bogged down trying to remember things from the past. Allow God to reveal insights and memories according to His will and timing. This will keep you from getting too overwhelmed and will enable you to deal with them one by one.

We are going to spend the next two days talking about "symptoms" of sexual abuse. However, before we get started, I want to clarify that these symptoms alone do not mean a person has been sexually abused. There could be many explanations for these behaviors/issues, but they are tendencies that are common to victims of sexual abuse. In some ways these behaviors allowed us to survive. As you process through these tendencies, remember that valuing yourself and your ability to cope is the first step in choosing to make positive changes in your life.

Symptoms/behaviors/tendencies:

Headaches/migraines/stomach aches
Sleeplessness/oversleeping - Do you suffer from severe insomnia or sleep for days on end?
Sexual difficulties - Do you want to stop sleeping with others but can't stop yourself for fear of rejection? Do you swing unpredictably from romantic and affectionate one day to not wanting your partner to even touch you the next? Are you unable to participate in certain sexual behavior? Are you promiscuous?
Low self-esteem - Do you think that you are no good because someone told you that while they were abusing you? Do you think no one will ever love you because your parents didn't? Do you think you are dirty or damaged goods?
Lack of healthy boundaries - Are you completely unable to tell someone no? When someone says no to you, do you feel rejected? Are you easily walked on? Do you put up with mistreatment rather than risk losing a relationship by standing up for yourself?
Rage - Do you fly into a rage when you're upset? Are your children afraid of you? Do you yell and scream a lot?
Over-reaction to people and situations - Do you have panic attacks? Are you paranoid? Do you think that every time someone is upset or in a bad mood it's because you've done something wrong? Are you easily startled?
Addictions - Do you eat/drink/smoke/use drugs/etc. so that you can escape your problems? Do you medicate your feelings with compulsive behaviors? Not eating at all, overspending, working excessive hours, keeping yourself busy with church/volunteer activities?
Spacing out - Do you find that you are oblivious to what is going on around you sometimes? Do you check out and stop paying attention?
Memory block - Are you unable to remember parts of your life? Have you blocked it from your memory?

There are still three pages of symptoms left to discuss tomorrow, but my house is quiet now so I'm going to share a few of my strongest tendencies... I want you to know that in every group of survivors that I've ever met with, at least one woman has struggled with every single one of these symptoms and we've always had more to add. We are creative when coming up with ways to cope with what has happened to us.

I was going through a divorce when my (current) husband and I began dating. I was beginning to recognize some major missteps I'd taken and really wanted to turn my life around. I became painfully honest with myself, started keeping a journal, and was also very honest with my (now) husband.

The three things I used to cope were alcohol, relationships and exercise.

I was not an alcoholic. I didn't drink alcohol frequently, but when I did drink it was very excessively. I drank when things were difficult. Even now, if I have an especially difficult day, I catch myself thinking "I need a drink!" It is this "take the edge off" mentality... But it really didn't take the edge off of anything, it only allowed me to postpone feeling whatever I was feeling. I have never once had a drink because I enjoy the taste of it - my intention with every drink was to consume enough that my problems would go away.

Relationships, interestingly enough, were another thing I used to cope. I couldn't be "alone", and anytime I was on the verge of ending a relationship, I would never do so until I had another one lined up. I was not a confrontational person and didn't have enough confidence in myself that any problem could be worked out... So, at the first sign of trouble, I would come up with my exit plan. Reject before being rejected. This applied to both friendships and boyfriend relationships; which explains why I didn't have my first meaningful, mutual and lasting friendship until I was 30 years old.

As a teenager, I was a runner. I ran track for five years. Never a sprint - always distance. I wasn't a fast runner, but I had stamina. The reason for this is because I used exercise as a way to literally run away from my problems and as a way to torture my body. This is the hardest for me to write about, because the tall, slender physique I inherited is getting less slender every year and I'm scared to exercise. Exercise - running, aerobics and gym memberships - have always been associated with stuffing my problems. I need to learn to exercise again. I know that life will never be problem free, so I'm faced with the issue of whether or not I can exercise in a healthy way.

I have chosen to never drink again and do not join social networking sites like FaceBook or My Space. I don't need those temptations in my life, as they can be slippery slopes for me should I ever find myself dealing with a crisis, anger or heartache (which we know WILL come!). So, I avoid them. However, I cannot avoid exercise - not if I want to live a long, healthy life. So, this is an area that I have to begin surrendering to Christ and expecting Him to help me discover a healthy way to do it. Such a scary thought.

There is still a second half of the "symptoms" remaining to be discussed tomorrow... Do you relate to any I've written about so far? Have you experienced any growth with any of these tendencies or are you currently struggling with any? Please feel free to respond in the comments. This blog receives about 100 hits each week, so there are many survivors hanging around here. You never know who might need your encouragement or who might have the perfect encouragement for you. Thanks so much for taking the time to read, and thanks in advance for sharing and growing with others!

Unit 2 Lesson 2, What is Abusive?

2009-02-01T14:24:00.004-06:00

One thing that many people do not realize is that sexual abuse does not discriminate. It can happen to anyone - old, young, male, female, wealthy, poor, Christian or not. And abuse can happen anywhere - school, church, in the home, at a neighbor's, on a date, etc. Often, victims of sexual abuse will minimize the abuse in order to hide the pain, saying things like, "it's no big deal", "he/she didn't mean anything by it", or "the abuse hasn't impacted my life". Regardless of the duration or nature of the sexual abuse, it is a big deal and it has affected your life negatively!

Let's discuss what sexual abuse is -

Freedom to choose is a key component in the issue of sexual abuse. Were you given the right to choose or did someone force their desires upon you? A person does not consent if she/she does not have the ability to choose or refuse the sexual activity. Age, circumstances, level of understanding, dependency and relationship to the offender are all factors that can limit a person's ability to choose.

Most people can easily understand that a young child is too young to consent, but what about the elderly? I recently read about some people ranging in age from 19-25 who worked in a nursing home. They were supposed to be taking care of residents, but found it entertaining to sit on their laps, give "lap dances", fondle their breasts, flash their own bodies, etc. It seemed harmless to the offenders, but this is sexual abuse! The elderly victims were confined to wheel chairs, dependent on these people for their care, and/or lacked the ability to communicate what was happening. They could not consent; therefore, these acts are criminal.

Most states have determined that the legal age of consent is 17. But many kids are dating well before that, and they view themselves as much more mature and grown-up than they are. Some adults prey on these teenagers and establish "relationships" with them that are completely inappropriate and criminal. A 15 year old girl, no matter how smart and sophisticated she thinks she is, cannot consent to a sexual relationship with an adult. This adult might buy you gifts, tell you that you're his princess, agree with you that your parents are controlling and treating you like a baby, etc. But there is nothing right about an adult having a sexual relationship with a minor. In this case, the adult is manipulating the victim. This is not an affair. This is sexual abuse.

A similar circumstance would be someone who is being pursued and forced into a relationship by his/her employer. The power he/she has over the employee constitutes sexual abuse, as the victim lacks the ability to give genuine consent. This can happen to anyone at any age. If someone has power over you and you feel you have no choice, you lack the ability to consent.

Sometimes in the repeated sexual abuse of a child by a family member or friend of the family, the abuser seeks to get the "consent" of the child, though the child is too young to consent. If this happened to you - if you gave this kind of permission out of guilt, childlike loyalty, fear, or any other reason - recognize that you were not capable of making an adult decision. This "consent" does not render guiltless the person who abused you! You were responding in the only way you knew how. You were a child - adolescents are not adults!

Think about your own abuse situation and identify the factor(s) that prevented you from being able to choose. Age, level of understanding, dependency/relationship to the abuser, fear of consequences, physical strength or intimidation, another??

Types of sexual abuse -

A lot of people have a hard time understanding sexual boundaries. If you were raised without healthy ones, you might be really confused about what is accepted and what is not. Following is a list of behaviors that are sexually abusive when not consented to. Some of these are not crimes, but all of them are damaging and offensive.

(As you read through the list, make note of the ones that have happened to you. Also make note of the ones you did not realize were sexually abusive. If you have experienced other sexually abusive behaviors, add those to your list.)

Physical sexual abuse:

Touching or fondling a child or an adult without consent
Excessive tickling and physical restraint
French kissing a child
Excessive enemas or excessive concern about genital hygiene
Intercourse/oral sex or sodomy with any child or with an adult without consent

Examples of visual sexual abuse:

Exposure of child to pornography
Exposure of pornography to an adult without consent
Force, manipulation, or coercion of another to observe masturbation or the sexual activity of another
Exposure of the genitals to non-consenting party or to a child

Examples of verbal sexual abuse:

Exposure of a child or non-consenting adult to sexual jokes, teasing, or graphic sexual descriptions
Exposure of a child to repeated remarks about the child's developing body
Refusing to allow a child privacy for bathing or dressing
Name calling of a sexual nature - calling a child a "slut" or "whore" is sexually abusive

Examples of covert - without the immediate knowledge of the victim - sexual abuse:

Observing another person nude without their consent
Videotaping people having sex without their consent

Examples of ritualistic sexual abuse:

Forcing a person to participate in religious activities that include sex
Sexual activity that involves chants or incantations

Sexual abuse does not have to involve physical contact; in fact, it often begins with non-contact types of abuse that invade the emotional and psychological boundaries of the victim. And most of the time, sexual abuse does not involve intercourse or force. The abuser is rarely a stranger.

I remember reading this list for the first time - it was surprising and heartbreaking. I'd remembered so many obvious touching incidents, but didn't even realize the more "subtle" abuses that happened to me -- and I'd forgotten some too. My father loved pornography - there were boxes and boxes of magazines throughout the house. My siblings and I, and even our friends, would look at them. I remember all the boundary-less ideas I had about sexuality and my body as a little girl and into my mid-20's. A lot of those ideas came from the images we saw in the magazines. Also, I'd forgotten about the discovery my mother made as we were moving out of our house. My dad had drilled holes in the bathroom ceiling and was apparently watching us bathe (from my bedroom above the bathroom). Thinking about that takes me back into a place of hurt and anger all over again at my mother. She had proof that he was watching us and still chose not to believe me.

Some victims are confused about the reality of the abuse. Vague memories from long ago can seem unreal. Many people have images of "pictures and frames - like in a movie" or remember their abuse as if they're watching it happen to someone else. Sometimes a person may remember a situation and see it as sinful or morally wrong but fail to recognize it as abuse. And many people suffer from memory blocks. I have chunks of time that I don't remember at all.

Psalm 51:6 says, "Behold, You desire truth in the innermost being, and in the hidden part You will make me know wisdom." You have begun the healing process, and it is important for you to see and know the truth. Pray this scripture regularly, asking God to make your thoughts clear and to lead you to accurately determine fact from fiction in your life.

This lesson is a hard one - seeing in print the different types of abuse and applying the reading to our own lives; remembering the awful things that happened. Remember that YOU ARE INNOCENT and that YOU DESERVE TO MOVE OUT FROM UNDER THIS DARKNESS. You are not alone. God will carry you through this each and every day. You are always in my prayers.

Unit 2 Lesson 1, Recovery Is Possible!

2009-01-31T13:56:00.002-06:00

The goal for this week is to recognize and accept that if you have been sexually abused, your life includes personal and relational tendencies that are similar to those of other survivors of sexual abuse.

Life for someone who has been sexually abused often resembles living in a storm. Things might feel out of control, hopeless, chaotic, never-ending, devastating and completely messy. Many struggle with depression, a drive to prove ourselves or earn someone's approval, or a need to be in control of all things. You may be feeling inappropriately guilty or ashamed. And some survivors feel absolutely nothing at all.

This lesson begins with one of the book's authors sharing part of her story. Here is what Cindy Kubetin writes: (Make note of any words or phrases that describe your experience too. Is there any part of Cindy's story that you would like to have in your life?)

"From personal experience, I know that healing from sexual abuse is possible. The process may be slow and will include pain, setbacks and frustrations. The awesome power of God is available to overcome these obstacles. Isaiah 57:18 describes how God restores, heals and gives comfort. Many years elapsed before I felt the comfort or received the wholeness, however. As a very young child, I began to isolate myself from others because of sexual abuse from someone I loved and believed was there for me. My memory is too sketchy for me to be sure of the extent of the abuse prior to age seven. I don't know if more than one person abused me in those early years. I do know that at least ten people had sexually abused me by the time I reached adulthood.

"To fix vividly in my mind that I had been a victim took many years. Somehow the abuses just seemed like something that happened to me. I felt devastated when I actually recognized that I had been a victim of childhood sexual abuse. I felt more shame than ever. My flashbacks became more frequent, and I felt despicable and worthless. As God's restorative power began to take hold of me, however, I not only saw myself as a victim but I began to see that to become a survivor was possible. I even began to feel a joy in having survived so much. I saw more positive things about myself than I ever had, and even learned to risk myself a little more. I liked this stage, but there was still too much pain inside, too much anxiety and fear. Also, I continued making grave mistakes in my life. It seemed so obvious that I didn't have it together yet!

"By this time, I had begun to seek God in my life. I wanted the mental torment to stop, not just for a day, but for a lifetime. But when I read the Bible's wonderful promises, I was sure that they applied to someone else; surely this book couldn't have been written to help me. I couldn't yet see the Bible as a resource for me. I hadn't begun to understand the way of Jesus - that He wanted me to have good things in life, not just bad things. I didn't understand that God wanted to redeem my life. But I kept reading, and for me Psalm 103:4-5 explained the Lord's way quite well. As I read these words my heart pounded with hope. A real and personal God was still difficult to believe, but I knew that even a little faith was better than none."

"I have seen his ways, but I will heal him; I will guide him and restore comfort to him." Isaiah 57:18

"Who redeems your life from the pit; who crowns you with lovingkindness and compassion; who satisfies your years with good things, so that your youth is renewed like the eagle." Psalm 103:4-5

Spend some time reflecting on this part of Cindy's story and answer the questions posed earlier.

*************************************

As we more forward on our recovery journey, it is important to understand what sexual abuse is. Many people think that sexual abuse is limited to intercourse, but there are many other behaviors that can result in the same damage to the victim.

Any sexual activity carried out in an inappropriate context is abusive. A complete definition of sexual abuse would be as broad as the range of human activity. But, with a narrow definition, both victims and perpetrators tend to minimize the harmful results or even deny that sexual abuse has occurred. Therefore, we will define sexual abuse as any sexual activity - verbal, visual or physical - engaged in without consent, which may be emotionally or physically harmful and which exploits a person in order to meet another person's sexual or emotional needs. The person does not consent if he or she cannot reasonably choose to consent or refuse because of age, circumstances, level of understanding, and dependency or relationship to the offender.

During unit 2 we will discuss some different types of abuse, we will go into detail about the many ways sexual abuse can impact our lives, and we will close with the affirmation that restoration is possible.

This week's memory verse is from Psalm 103:5 (NASB), "Who satisfies your years with good things, so that your youth is renewed like the eagle." The NLT puts it this way, "He fills my life with good things. My youth is renewed like the eagle's." I've said before that I am not a Bible scholar, but when I reflect on this scripture I believe it's telling me that God wants to replace the junk with his good stuff ... he wants to replace my pain with His peace, and my sorrow with His joy, and my hopelessness with His expectation and wonder. He wants to mend my broken wing so that I might fly again like the eagle.

The work we will do this week will affirm for you that you were, in fact, sexually abused. When we discuss the "symptoms" of abuse, you will clearly see that you are not alone and will see just how deeply impacted you have been by sexual abuse. In recognizing that, it is my hope that you will also see every reason to recover and not allow the abuse to control your life.

I love so much what one survivor recently told me... "I have been recovering from sexual abuse for over 30 years. Some days are still really hard, but it doesn't ruin my life anymore." I want that for all of us - that it won't ruin our lives anymore.

Unit 1 Lesson 5, Help in the Storm Part 2

2009-01-30T13:59:00.005-06:00

This lesson pretty much reiterates the previous 4 lessons, so I'm going to wrap it up by reminding you that recovery from sexual abuse is a process and takes time. What likely took years to develop will also take a considerable amount of time to resolve.

For many, the most difficult part of recovery will be to rely on others. During the countless discussions I've had with other survivors, I've learned that most of us keep ourselves busy helping and serving others. (Sound familiar?) As long as we are serving others, we are in control and our focus is on their problems and not our own. But it is time to deal with our problems and choose a lighter load. It's difficult to open ourselves up to needing and accepting others' help, but it is necessary to fully recover.

We can find shelter from this storm through family, friends, our spouse and God. What we must acknowledge is that our sexual abuse is not just our problem. It effects everyone around us and we can all choose to recover.

What do you need from your support people?

Support, acceptance, love, time, understanding, interest, forgiveness, help, belief, prayers, encouragement, hope, honor, trust, validation, loyalty, concern, physical affection, priority, care, a listening ear, someone who will talk about it, a shoulder to cry on? Create your list!

Do you have people in your life who are already doing these things? If you do, these may be very good sources of support as you take this recovery journey. Reach out to them, explain what you need from them, and accept their love and support as you begin your journey.

I am reminded of Matthew 11:29, "Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls." Jesus frees people from their burdens - including the heartache and pain of sexual abuse. The "rest" that Jesus promises is love, healing and peace. Allow your loved ones and Jesus to help carry your load, bringing you rest.

My failed marriage

2009-01-29T12:59:00.008-06:00

As I was getting a little quiet time in this morning, I felt God nudging me to share about my failed first marriage. Unfortunately, it is a good example of two things - the unimaginably high price we pay for unresolved issues (by we, I mean EVERYONE) and a failed support system.

My first marriage should have worked. He and I were both very nice people and had the same values and life goals. We got along very well. In fact, we never had an argument. We were, however, very young (I had just turned 21) and I was hurting more than I was willing to admit - more than I even realized. I'd told him about my childhood abuse when we were dating; however, I shrugged it off as much as possible and pretended to be just fine. On the occasions where I did show some emotion about it, I never told him how deeply those feelings ran.

It didn't start off this way though... Early in the relationship, he was someone I could be honest and open with. But then.. Shortly before he asked me to marry him, there was an incident at home where my mom's 4th husband had become physically and verbally abusive with me. As all this chaos was going on in the background, I called my soon-to-be-fiance. I was sobbing and my mom and her husband were yelling at me, saying awful things and calling me horrible names. He (my ex-husband) came to pick me up 30 minutes later and I never went back. He was supportive and compassionate with regard to the physical maltreatment, but it wasn't long before he was encouraging me to cut my mom some slack and allow her to have a "normal" relationship with me. (By "normal" he meant trips to the mall, dinners at their house, mother/daughter phone calls, etc.) There were so many things wrong with the way my mom treated me and allowed her husbands to treat me, that I just knew there was no way to have "normal" under the circumstances. I tried to explain that my mother's neglect and selfishness were the reasons that the sexual abuse from husband #3 and the verbal & physical abuse from #4 lasted as long as they did. But my ex-husband couldn't grasp my idea that not all moms are created equal. In my case, my mother was abusive and I deserved protection from her. He thought she deserved a relationship with me, regardless. This is when my walls started coming up and I stopped being honest with him about how much I hurt.

As we've read throughout unit 1, many times people do not know what to say or do to help people who have been sexually abused - especially when one is abused by a family member. My ex-husband was a young man who came from a wonderful family in a delightful midwestern small town. Things like this were unheard of - which means it happened in secret and no one talked about it. It was practically taboo for him to talk about sexual abuse, so it stands to reason that he would be ill prepared to help me recover from it.

When I felt like he was "on my parents' side", I felt betrayed and all alone. I completely stopped talking to him about anything I needed. We moved to the east coast a few months after we were married, and distance from home was a good thing for me. I was relieved to be far from the chaos and strained relationships; however, I'd brought all the baggage with me. Birthdays and holidays were the hardest, but I barely let on to my ex-husband that anything was wrong. He could tell that something was "off", but I think he figured time would heal it. When he didn't reach out to me, I didn't bother reaching out to him. That's when I began having difficulty with fidelity - I was looking for affirmation from other men. I needed someone to find me interesting, attractive, appealing. My ex-husband worked hard and was pursuing a career as a professional athlete, so he didn't have a lot of time for me. That hurt my feelings, driving me further away. But I didn't say much. Occasionally I would tell him that we weren't as close as I wished we were... But, by the time we were in marriage counseling, I was already pretty checked-out of the marriage and really had no intention of checking back in.

As I look back on this failed relationship, I have many regrets. He is truly a very nice guy and I believe he was willing to listen, if only I would have talked. I believe he would have been open to understanding where I was coming from, if only I'd have had the courage to be vulnerable with him. I know now that he was just inexperienced, not insensitive.

When I say I have regrets, I absolutely do not mean that I regret where I am today. I DO NOT. But, I regret how I acted in the first marriage, how I hurt my ex-husband and our families and friends; how I dragged that baggage with me and let it consume my life for so many years. I deeply regret how I hurt others, all because I was wounded and was choosing not to deal with it.

Unit 1 Lesson 4 - Help in the Storm Part 1

2009-01-28T19:45:00.008-06:00

I hope I don't get sued for plagiarism, but there is just so much reading in unit 1. I promise that there are more reflective questions and layers to peel back in the units to come.

Now for lesson 4...

The purpose of this unit is to not only help you, the survivor, but also to help your support people be as effective as possible. By the time many survivors have reached maturity, they have been re-victimized many times. And, sadly, many of us have abused others - at least by being overly angry. Accordingly, the most precious gift this study can give is to impart truth to all readers - truth that would produce life for everyone.

What not to say

The list below contains "the don'ts." The statements in this list are all words that family, close friends, or well-meaning Christians might say to a sexual abuse survivor. These words and phrases are not helpful. Sometimes people make these statements because they have absolutely no understanding of sexual abuse issues. Other times the speaker may be mentally exhausted with the survivor or the recovery process. Still other people simply may not wish to deal with this difficult situation.

The Don'ts

Don't say to a survivor -

"Why are you making such a big deal of this? You were very young at the time it happened."
"What did you do to make this happen?"
"Why didn't you stop it?"
"You're the problem. You're just using this as an excuse to get your way."
"You mean you didn't tell anybody when it happened? So why tell now?"
"Why can't you just forget it?"
"You should just forgive and forget. God won't be there for you unless you forgive."
"I don't believe you were ever abused."
"What is past is past. Let's just not bring it up again."
"Just pray about it. God will take care of it."
"Why can't you just hurry up and get over this?"
"I'm so sick of hearing about your needs. What about my needs?"
"You are just feeling sorry for yourself."
"Can't you just let it go? Nothing is happening to you now."
"It is a sin to think about this. God says to focus on what is good."
"The Bible says to forget the past and to press on to the future."

In the list above, make note of the statements that others have said to you when you have revealed your abuse to them. Write the feelings you experienced when this happened.

For me - the most frequent statement was that I needed to just get over it. The abusers were my parents. So many times people would say something like, "They made mistakes, but they are still your parents and deserve a relationship with you. No matter how they treat you or how it makes you feel, you should suck it up and spend time with them. It breaks their hearts that you won't." During my first pregnancy, I had a big baby shower hosted by a couple of friends. One other friend in attendance said, "Your mom may not love you, but this is a baby! Surly she loves this baby enough to be here. You should have invited your mom." Needless to say, I was in shock when my friend said that. Statements like these leave me feeling abandoned and betrayed by the family member or friend who has said it. I definitely feel like they are on my abuser's side and have turned their back on me - the innocent.

In addition to these frequent remarks above, there was one other statement that was very difficult for me to overcome. Not necessarily because I believed what this man said, but because I trusted him... In a counseling session with my mom, my sister and me, our church pastor told my mother that it was a sin for her to divorce my abuser, no matter what I said he'd done. He said that my mother should run (not walk) back into his arms and remarry him immediately. Marriage was forever, and my abuser and I just needed to resolve whatever issues we had. If only it were that easy... I'd admired this man since I was a little girl and looked to him for spiritual guidance. In my heart I believed he was wrong, but I was crushed that he would turn his back on me and recommend that I be returned to a home where my abuser was allowed to do whatever he wanted to me. All in the name of sacred marriage. What about those sacred and innocent children?

While we cannot fully understand or control others' reactions, we can learn more effective and appropriate ways to respond to their statements. Read the above "don't" statements again and select the two that trouble you the most. Now, write an appropriate response to those two statements.

For me - an appropriate reponse to, "Can't you just move on?" would be, "I cannot forget the past, but God is teaching me a lot and helping me to put it to rest as I learn from it. A reconciliation may or may not be possible, but I know that God has brought me to a place where bitterness, anger and rage are no longer controlling how I feel about them."

As for that pastor, I believe that the truth is this - "God designed marriage to be sacred and forever, but when a parent violates a child the way my step-father violated me, a mother has to take the steps necessary to protect her children. In Matthew 19:14 Jesus says, 'Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.' Jesus was talking to PARENTS and DISCIPLES. Do you think that molesting your children does not hinder them from coming to Jesus?"

Whatever the reason people have for making these "don't" statements, we must recognize the statements for what they are: statements that bring darkness - a kind of death - to you and to other survivors. In time, you will be ready to leave the past, but premature advice to forgive and forget can be very destructive. All too often people make these statements when they first learn about the abuse or during the difficult days of the healing process.

Most people do not understand that they are hurting you with their "helpful" advice and comments. They think they are helping. The scars of sexual abuse are deep and emotionally painful. Others cannot know you hurt unless you tell them. Choose your support people carefully and be honest with them. Continue to think about your list of supportive people and be ready to name them as we wrap up lesson 5 tomorrow.

I'm glad you're here and look forward to sharing more as we journey this together. Praying for you.

Unit 1 Lesson 3, Indications of Recovery

2009-01-27T00:11:00.004-06:00

As we take these early steps towards recovery, you might feel frightened and anxious. Thinking about the events of the past that have hurt us so deeply is a difficult and scary thing. The Apostle Paul writes, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7. As we prepare to become vulnerable with other people in our lives, it makes sense to first be vulnerable with God. Share with Him your fears and anxiety. Know that our hope in Christ focuses upon God's promise of a life to come that is free from suffering and anxiety. While life on earth will never be completely free from pain, we can experience some of what is to come through God's healing grace. He is faithful.

Recovery from the effects of sexual abuse does not follow a precise path. While other survivors you know might find peace in areas where you are still having difficulty, bear in mind that this is YOUR journey and you have to process through it at your pace. As you advance in your recovery, be assured that God will equip you with the ability to handle whatever comes your way. Recovery is an ongoing process.

The following list describes a person who has worked through and recovered from sexual abuse. As you read through the list, think about where you are at. Be honest with yourself, but also be patient as you work toward the goals that are the most difficult for you.

I am willing to face the abuse and acknowledge the hurt and pain.
I understand that the abuse was a violation.
I have an increased awareness of my value and worth.
I can list significant others that I can trust.
I can share thoughts and feelings about the abuse with others if I choose to do so.
I recognize relationship tendencies that avoid honesty and intimacy.
I am overcoming feelings of shame and false guilt.
I recognize that I was a victim even though I may have experienced physical arousal during the abuse.

As you read through this statements, make note of the areas where you are already experiencing recovery. Are there any that you do not understand? Are there any that are particularly difficult for you?

You may be thinking that some of these things are impossible. As a person who was once in your shoes, let me assure that they are not. If you are willing to hang in there and keep forging ahead with this process, you will find more freedom and fulfillment than you could ever have imagined.

I want you to ponder these indications of recovery and apply them to yourself; therefore, I'm not going to relate any of them back to my own experience just yet. If you have any questions, feel free to comment and I will reply.

Good night for now. God bless!

Unit 1 Lesson 2 - Can I Get the Support I Need?

2009-01-26T22:56:00.007-06:00

This lesson is a lot of reading and encouragement; not really any questions. So, I'm going to attempt to paraphrase the reading...

Support people are really a big part of one's recovery, but it can be very difficult to bring yourself to a place where you are comfortable asking for someone else's help or being vulnerable with your feelings. You might even be faced with telling someone for the very first time that you were sexually abused. Almost everyone who goes through recovery is reluctant at first to reach out to others, but your support system will largely determine the success of your recovery. You need support. You are worthy of support.

Just today I had a nice talk with a girl friend. Four and a half years ago I'd told her about my abusive childhood. She told me today that she had no idea what to say or what to do with the information at the time, so she felt like she did nothing... I remember the day that we were together and I remember parts of our conversation that day, but I actually didn't remember telling her anything about my childhood. Her reaction (or lack of a reaction) didn't register with me, but it stuck with her. As I've thought about this over the last ten hours, it occurred to me that I was just beginning to talk openly with others about my childhood about the time that I told her. Just telling her was what I needed. I didn't need a response or any solutions, I just needed someone to tell who wouldn't treat me differently after. And that is what I got. Even without a significant response on her part, just the acceptance and a listening ear was healing. This, my friends, is part of a support system.

As you begin to reach out to others, it is important to think wisely about who you will talk with and what you will share. Most people will not automatically know what to say or what to do, so providing them with some do's and don'ts can be very helpful. People who genuinely mean well may say and do some painful and damaging things because they do not understand. We have all opened our mouth and inserted our foot at one time or another.

As you tell family and friends, be prepared for them to respond in any number of ways. They may be angry, sad, hurt or afraid. They might be confused. If the rule in their house was to avoid talking about painful events, their reaction might be to turn off their feelings. They may pull away because they don't know what to say or do. However they respond, try not to accept responsibility for their reactions. And don't take their reaction personally. They might also attempt to smother you with concern and care. We must remember that this recovery journey is ours. Our supporters will help us, but they cannot take this journey for us.

People commonly respond to sexual abuse with silence and secrecy; however, telling your story is an important part of the recovery process!

Guidelines for selecting supportive people:

Pray for God's wisdom as you choose a supportive person.
Choose a person unrelated but sympathetic to the situation surrounding your abuse. You may want to consider someone who has been in recovery for a year or more, a professional counselor, a pastor, or lay caregiver.
If you tell a family member do not blame them for not helping sooner.
Determine how much of your story you want to tell. You might want to try writing an outline ahead of time. Remember that you do not have ot tell anything you do not want to tell.
Pray for the person you will enlist for support.

Some survivors have difficulty with the reactions of others when they tell their stories. Remember to allow you supporters room to struggle with their feelings and remember that they need for you to tell them what you need.

As you think and pray about who the support people are in your life, remember what the Lord says, "I will go before you and make the rough places smooth; I will shatter the doors of bronze, and cut through their iron bars. And I will give you the treasures of darkness, and hidden wealth in secret places, in order that you may know that it is I, the Lord, the God of Israel, who calls you by name." Isaiah 45:2-3

He has placed someone in your life that can be trusted to love on you through this recovery process. He knows where you are headed and exactly what you will need once you get there. He will provide, and you will discover treasures, hidden riches.